Divorce Imminent

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2020-11-29T14:34:44+00:00

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

Trinity0519 · 2020-11-29T13:59:39+00:00

It will get better with time. Talk to a lawyer and try to get joint 50/50 custody if that's what you want. Go see a therapist too. Go to the gym.

Gch05 · 2020-11-29T14:35:40+00:00

The advice here mentioned helped me a lot, but I was really surprised how much reading the book “I Wish I Knew This Before My Divorce: Ending the Battle Between Holding On and Letting Go” helped. It looked cheesy but it really explained how the amount of attachment to her causes pain and how to cope with it and be at peace with it. It sounds impossible now, but it won’t be.

pharmd718 · 2020-11-29T14:05:43+00:00

I definitely agree with the comment above. Things will definitely get better...much better. But you can’t see it now. Especially from where you’re standing. I was also in the same shoes as you. Also have two small kids. They both adjusted very quickly and are happy. Focus on your kids and being a good parent. I have 50/50. I also met an amazing woman...so things are looking bright. Please hang on. Eat right, exercise, see a therapist, and get enough sleep. In a few years you will be in a very different place. I promise!

CollinHawkins · 2020-11-29T22:20:54+00:00

Man, these comments and reassurances seriously have me bawling in my office like a little girl right now. Guys I know it only took you a few minutes to type, but you have no idea how much it means to me.

CollinHawkins · 2020-11-29T16:47:17+00:00

I just really want to thank everyone. I'm taking it all to heart.

SpacemanLost · 2020-11-29T19:29:20+00:00

If she is as you describe, odds are very high you are about to get blindsided big-time by her. She's probably counting on you being in a funk and expecting to have you on the defensive the whole time.

Also, you have 2 children to protect. You need to prepare for war, as in you are about to be hit with Pearl Harbor soon.

Get an attorney immediately. A couple real common move by women in your wife's position is to move all the money she has access to, to somewhere you can't touch even though it's marital property and you have right to half (starve you out financially). Move half your money to an account only you can access. If you don't have one, first thing Monday morning.

The next common move is to try and get you to move out. Resist like a super villain is trying to throw you off a cliff. If she can't get you to voluntarily go, she might and try the domestic violence report gambit -- it happens WAY more often than people realize, attorneys even 'advise' (wink, win, nudge, nudge) their female clients about it. Read up here: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence

Also, read all the relevant sections on the site: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ and don't let your STBX know you are making any sort of preparations if you can possibly avoid it.

You're biggest mental move to is to accept that you can't talk or negotiate her to change her mind and suddenly want the vision you had when you two got engaged. The only way that can meaningful happen is if she decides on her own. But it really sounds like she has checked out a while ago and mentally already moved on. In her mind, you are not the man she wanted. You may have been at one time, but no longer.

Get ideas of right and wrong out of your head - you're not going to be able to reason with or convince her that she seeing the world incorrectly. SO MANY guys have made that mistake, and all come to regret wasting the time, etc and losing any leverage.

You have to protect yourself and take action for your children's sake, as well as yours. You'll get your head back in a better place, but for now you gotta not let that be your only focus .. the clock is running and the 2-minute warning has already happened.

edit: typos

MartyMcFly7 · 2020-11-30T04:18:55+00:00

Like others have said, it starts out bad, but will get better with time. But it's a marathon, not a sprint.

A few thoughts:

Be prepared for a few more shocks. It's said that you don't really know a woman until you divorce her. She will likely ask for everything she can, possibly even full custody. (Now that she doesn't have you for security, she'll need to take from the marriage whatever she can.)

It's entirely normal for men to end up feeling alone. Research indicates that men have a much harder time dealing with breakups:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202001/why-some-people-cant-stop-thinking-about-their-exes

We men tend to rely on our spouses for emotional support, so when we divorce, we're often left with no one else to turn to (and often try to numb the pain with substances, other women, etc.). That's why a therapist is often recommended during a divorce.

Don't take it personally. Unhappy marriages are the norm. Half get divorced, and of the half that stay married, many (if not most) are often miserable. The odds were always stacked against you.

But you will get through this, you will find someone new, and you will even remarry. Statistically speaking, this too the norm. (Hope springs eternal, I guess.)

macscheid · 2020-11-29T15:16:25+00:00

Get a counselor, support group and whatever other friends you have. Your gonna make it through. If your Christian, I recommend divorce care. You may need an antidepressant or something for sleep for a while. All these dudes have been there, and it sucks. The courts are stacked against men, but you will make it.

Runningoutofbacon · 2020-11-29T23:50:29+00:00

Your kids will adjust better than you think. Mine barely even blinked. Fight for 50/50 and have the discussion with your kids with your wife. Explain to them that they will be living sometimes with you and sometimes with mommy.

My kids are a bit older than yours, but I was blown away by how many examples of other families my kids could rhyme off where the parents didn't live in the same house. In a year from now, think of how much better your kids will be having 2 parents who are happy even if they aren't living together.

MyNewNormal808 · 2020-11-29T17:47:32+00:00

I think any man who’s hears the words, “I’m done” feels as devastated as you feel now. I went through my “dark days” where I thought I couldn’t go on. Luckily, I found a therapist that was able to adjust the way I was looking at the world. That was 2 years ago. I recently signed the divorce decree and somewhat happy with life. I’m amicable with my ex, I understand that teenage kids are teenage kids and while they rather be with their friends, they still love me, and I’m starting to get back into dating and feel all the hope, nervousness, and excitement that comes along with that. Just work on yourself and take each day one at a time. Good luck and hang in there.

peterfromnyc · 2020-11-30T13:37:10+00:00

whoa! don't give up on yourself. she don't know what she is missing out on. do whatever you can to be the best dad to your kids.

SUEDE2BLACK · 2020-12-02T18:38:37+00:00

Your not alone.You can do this 10 years from now it will be a distant memory.

Title	Divorce Imminent
Author	CollinHawkins
Upvotes	23
Comments	22
Date	November 29, 2020 1:52 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/k39paw/divorce_imminent/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-imminent.817716 https://theredarchive.com/post/817716

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