After nearly 9 years of marriage I told myself I knew with 100% clarity that I am leaving her. thought through the pain, emptiness, financial loss, loss of time with kids, pain of being replaced, etc… on the other side and embraced it.

Told myself im just here for a couple months intil anniversary so that i can string together 2/3 months of me ignoring the hurt and feeling misunderstood so that we can end on good terms instead of fight hoping this will lead to healthier co-parenting for the kids sake (1 &4).

then we went to therapy again a couple days ago after another fight that lasted days and almost ended our marriage after a fight about something in which i told her what i needed and meant deeply to me and she did the opposite (happens monthly. we have been in counseling for years at this point)

now im finding myself thinking “other girls will be bad too and you wont really know their true self until after marriage anyways and you do love her and when she is good she is a kind loveable soul”

im only 32 so i know if i divorce after the soul crushing pain i’ll forsure do a lot of drugs and sleep around for a while but eventually will want to settle down and grow old with someone. so why not just stay with her?

im forgetting all the pain, misunderstanding, fights for days, manic like episodes of hers, etc… man..

she also sucks and fucks me whenever i want when we are good terms and is so beautiful my college gf. but man when its bad its so bad and i feel like im wasting my life but damn im falling back into the cycle

advise me wise men of reddit who were once stuck in a marriage where it used to get really nasty pretty frequently and the joy from joyous occasions was removed by the wife’s behavior. frequently felt like you were wasting your life. marriage frequently almost ended, etc. talk to me like im your younger self or your brother