Took me (42M) a while, but I realized tonight, just now, that my wife (39F) is a lost cause. We had a conversation today via text that cemented it, I’m not sure why…but it’s like something clicked in my head and I finally understand that it is all the way over.

Like many of you here, I’ve been dealing with a wife who cheated a few years ago. By way of background, we were married for 13 years, she cheated at year 7 and was quickly forgiven for the indiscretion. Unfortunately, things have been slowly declining for the past 2 years. She and decided to move out 1 year ago. We did the usual…she moved out, we went to counseling for a few months, she moved back in, she moved out again a few weeks back and here we are today. Luckily we have no kids and I went ahead and fully separated myself from her financially when she moved out the first time. The only thing left to handle is health insurance on Nov 1.

I was far from perfect, but always honest, trustworthy and loyal. Throughout our marriage she never really settled into any routine or found a purpose. Every career she tried, she excelled at…but she would randomly become unhappy and leave after 1-2 years (red flag 1). She is type1 diabetic and refuses to manage her chronic illness properly and has been hospitalized 4 times in the last 5 years (red flag 2). She cheated (giant red flag 3). And most recently, she quit communicating and trying…the final red flag.

Despite all of that and until today, I always defaulted to working things out. I always left room in my heart for reconciliation. I told her that I was struggling with this and trying really hard to avoid going no contact because every single message that indicated (in any small way) that she was wavering was instantly being misinterpreted by me (creating false hope that was later crushed when I realized that’s not what she meant). I’ve mentioned this before in other comments, but I really had a hard time accepting that she was no longer my responsibility. Her physical wellbeing, her happiness, her mental health, her financial position…all of that is solely on her. It has nothing to do with me and it’s still a bit strange, but it’s what she wants, so that’s how it will be.

I’ll admit to being a simp on this one cause she was never in that same ‘reconciliation’ space over the past 12 months. I don’t think she was there when she moved back in the first time and I know for sure she isn’t there now.

Knowing for sure that it’s over is an interesting thing. Not sure what I expected, but there is some comfort in it. I’m still a bit bummed because I loved this woman, but she was always a bit manic, irresponsible and untrustworthy, so I’m done ignoring the things I overlooked (much more than the things listed above) and ‘accepted’ over the years and will, instead, accept this is for the best for both of us.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. Now that I read it all out loud, I’m realizing just how terrible I am at recognizing red flags and listening to what her actions (for the past 6 years) and her words (for the past 12-16 months) have been saying. 🤣