I'm 43 years old and have 3 kids. I'm one month out from our divorce being finalized and 7 months out from our seperation. I feel lost and overwhelmed with life - I had a panic attack just putting together an online Walmart order the other day....

Her and I were together for 24 years and married 17 years - so she was all I ever knew. Things became more and more difficult in the past 10 years and exponentially got more challenging in the last 3 years.

I filed for divorce back in 2023 and moved out for 9 months, but we ended up reconciling after that period of time. I gave up my apartment and all its furnishings to move back into the martial home with her. That lasted 18 months and everything came to a head again last August resulting in our last seperation - which has now led to the actual divorce last month.

My ex had substantial issues with her emotional regulation - and anytime there was ANY conflict she'd immediatley go straight to "Fight of Flight" and she was not the type of person to run from any conflict - so that meant she'd FIGHT. She would say the worst possible things during the argument (things that you dont say to your partner, even when you do fight - things that have lasting impacts).....and then suddenly the fight would be over and she'd act like nothing happened. This went on for years - I felt like a rubber band constantly being strectched to the point whered I'd snap only for her to then act normal again - this went on forever.

She became estranged from her own mom and her relationship with her father was hit or miss - he'd wander into her life every so often but showed no interest in our lives or our kids lives. My parents on the other hand showed lots of interest in our family and kids - often asking to babysit or offering support in one way or another. For whatever reason this made her hate my parents - I suspect it was her way of dealing with the fact that her parents were not in her life and seeing my parents wanting to be in our lives made that fact a bit more apparent for her.

The police were called to the house at least 5-6 times in the past few years - she was asked to leave on multiple occasions for the night because of her behavior. Back in 2023 she ended up in a psychiatric ward involuntarily due to a psychosis episode she had. She was there for 5 days and when she returned I assumed she would realize how bad things were and she'd make an attempt at getting help - instead she came home, blamed me for "committing her" and then we never were able to talk about what had happened. My kids and I were extremely concerned for her welfare and I was home for that week taking care of 2 older kids and our 1 year old - so I know it was hard for her - but it wasnst exactly an easy week for me either..

I saw a picture of her on FB with her new boyfriend - who is some local guy she went to high school with. It hurts to see her smiling with this person - especially after I was the person that went "through hell and back with her" for so many years. I'm angry that she's able to just move on without a second thought. Even if I had someone interested in me - I cant imagine being able to share my life with anyone right now - I mean, I can barely function alone right now, let alone sharing it with someone new. She's become nearly unrecognizable from the person I knew for 24 years - she has a bunch of new tattoos, is into country music, hockey/baseball...and hanging with this MAGA dude - which is incredible because she was NEVER into any of that - and she also hated MAGA, but I guess given enough attention, she's willing to not care about any values she once had...

It's also hard to realize the differences between how women and men are treated after a divorce. I've had a couple people online that I've talked to - but as soon as they know you've recenlty been divorced, they're gone......which makes sense, most women rightly dont want to be the rebound. Whereas she was out fucking around with this guy literally on Oct 1st, which was 1 month after our seperation - he doesnt give a shit if she was just married or coming out of a long relationship.

Anyways....I'm rambling and really don't know what I came to say - I just needed to unload this off my chest. I'm in counseling and have been for years - but that only helps so much. I excercise and do all the things "they say to do" when you're in this spot in life, but it doesnt seem to help much. I realize time will heal the pain I feel - but man, this hurts.......bad.

I know I look at things through rose colored glasses and when I think of her I'm thinking only about the good times - which were quite awhile ago and it's so easy to not think about the times that were hard - and there were LOTS of those times. I was really upset about the finalization of the divorce back in March and cried lots that particular day - then I felt ok for a couple weeks, but for some reason the past few days have been more challenging than expected.

thanks for listening....