So, I'm 30. When I was 23, I was working with this woman that is 12 years older than me. I was always a stand offish person and buried myself in working, so when I meet her, I feel in love instantly. My first thought was "I'm going to marry this woman". We started talking, started dating, realized that she had 2 kids that were around my age which was super weird, but I still kept in there becuase I didn't wanna judge her. Besides, she was a great person. We split up once and got back together. I figured that I loved her and she loved me. I purposed to her, she said yes before I got it out. Fast forward 1 year, got married. As soon as we got married, at the wedding reception, I saw her change up on me. Our honeymoon was horrible. Newlyweds fornicate like rabbits. We didn't. I'm 28 at the time and super virile. She's 40 at the time and sex was the LAST thing on her mind. I saw her mentally and emotionally check out within the first 4 months of the marriage. After a year, she calls her cousin whose a female pastor, apostle, w.e tf. My "wife" tells this woman first, not me, that she never loved me, doesn't respect me as a man. I kept her son from being locked up, helped him beat the case, put up half the money for it. His father is still alive btw. Anywho, helped her daughter not be a malicious and mean towards men. Tried to tell her to not do some of the bad decisions she did anyway that lead US into financial trouble. Didn't listen. Then blamed it on me. In the 2 years of marriage, had sex 8 times. The last 3 times was just a chore on her end. She didn't even try to fight for us. I tried to go to marriage counseling, she didn't wanna go. When she QUIT her job and was unemployed for over a month, I supported her and gave her love. She acted right for 1 week. After that, asshole mode. When my job was going thru pay cuts, then she bought up the "I think we should get a divorce, becuase you're not happy and you deserve to be with someone that will make you happy". Oh yeah, during the 2 years, she got drunk and would either fight me, or one of the kids, to which I separated and took many punches, bruises, and insults. Then she wanted to "find jesus" and tell me she wants it to be over. I was in a depression the whole time, it was never a good time between us. Depression was so bad that oftentimes I didn't even shower or eat. Her response? "I've never been so depressed that I couldn't wash my ass". She wrote up a eviction notice via microsoft word lol. She told me I had 30 days to move out during which time, she wanted me to pay a portion of the bills. She had a van that she didnt use. She gave me the van. I didnt ask for it, she said "you need a vehicle other than the company van. After the separation, she said "I don't wanna give you the van becuase you're going to sell it." I told her I wasn't, she still pressed buttons until I said "I'm not gonna sell the fucking van, I need it!" She turned it into "Oh, since you're going to talk to me like this, no, imma give it to someone else". She still has my EBT card to this day. I didnt trust people before her, and now, I really have a horrible time even making the attempt. Most of all, I really just feel empty. I smile and fake laugh but I'm not remotely happy. I've thought about suicide so many times. I don't know what I even wanna do anymore. None of this seems worth it at all. To top it off, the divorce hearing, that I do not want, is scheduled on my birthday. I have Covid for the second time this year right now. The first time ALMOST took me out completely. This time, who knows. I just need help of some kind. I honestly don't even know what kind of help I need. Any advice?