In Limbo

Knave7575 · 2019-08-28T21:46:16+00:00

Before you pull the trigger, start spending more time with the kids. Think of it as a one year process. Use email. At work send her things like "I'm thinking of taking the kids to (activity), do you think Wednesday or Thursday works better?". If she can go crazy on you in writing all the better.

Meanwhile, start finding small jobs for your STBX. She does not need to be at home for an 11 year old and a 9 year old. The trick is to get her employed. Maybe it starts at 5 hours a week, or 10 hours a week. The goal is to stop her from living the slug lifestyle.

A year from now, you pull the trigger, but instead of being a weekend dad, you be a real dad. If you pull the trigger now, you are probably screwed. Be patient. Be nice. Be strategic.

zulu-nation · 2019-08-28T19:36:56+00:00

first of all, you dont know how the numbers will add up.....so get that out of your head. Also, you will be so much happier lol. your kids will be happier. she will be happier. Do you have a dog? it will be happier.

Get used to the idea of temporarily living a modest lifestyle for a few years. its ok. I rented a small apartment and had JUST enough money left over for food and an occasional outing with my boys.....and it was worth it. you will survive. you will have sex with lots of women and love life and be a happy father to your kids.

OR, fix the marriage...you have options, son...(although you are probably 10 years older than me)

warrior_up · 2019-08-28T20:25:57+00:00

I'm there brother, c-level executive at a tech company also working 2-3 nights as a part time bar tender. It eff'n sucks, you have to accept the financial hardships you face ahead, trust me hard to make sense of eating Top Ramen making close to $200K per year. Ultimately the money we make played a critical role in their decision to jump ship and every other one of the single mothers out there.

The cards have been dealt, is what it is - and the sooner you accept it the better. The good news is that your left with only two choices:

1.) Complain, lose yourself, tell your sob story - quit, run away or let the BS hand you've been dealt drive you into a deep depression

2.) FIGHT like a mother f'er, focus on the positives and embrace this new chapter in your life as the start to something greater.

Your kids will come around, you keep trying, you keep smiling, you keep asking to go places.... if it were me, I'd look that b~~~ straight in the face and ask her what the f~~~ is she gonna do about it?? Regardless of how you handle that situation and/or every other shit sandwich thats coming your way in the next 12-24 months - it doesn't matter, lot of it is out of your control especially in a weakened, confused and traumatized mindset. Just get through it, whatever is happening, just keep reminding yourself "to get through it" keep moving forward as every minute of every day gets you closer to your freedom. Don't let her break you, show your kids and that soon to be ex c~~~t what its really like to love your kids, and the courage it takes to stand-up to bullies. Your kids will come around man, if shes anything close to what you describe they will come running to you as soon as the courts allow it. Keep being a good man and keep being the best father

With these types of woman, its especially important that your superdad x 1000, focus on that and enjoy the ride - these bitc~~~ aint sh~~

redveinlover · 2019-08-28T21:52:58+00:00

Definitely do more research on the numbers. I am not a lawyer but I recall reading that the courts will generally not award more than 60% of your income to your ex combined cs/vaginamony. I pay $2500/month combined (1500 is cs) and I make around 100k. I agree with getting as much communication in writing as possible. The more evidence you start building towards being a responsible, caring father, the better. That kind of stuff can go a long way legally. Judges will not give much, if any consideration for "but she said this and that", if there is no proof.

TeeMonty2 · 2019-08-29T01:29:33+00:00

You're have very difficult financial dilemma. I'm glad you took the time to analyze your potential exposure instead of jumping feet-first into the unknown. I'm coming from the place of being a former divorce attorney and now a divorce coach defending mostly male clients. Have you taken the time to speak with an attorney about potential financial hits or are the numbers for alimony and child-support speculative on your part? Why hasn't she gone back to work? That's going to leave you in a bad position because she's been home all these years and it basically almost cancels out her degree because her earning potential has been limited staying home so long. Given your ages and you didn't mention her age I don't think that you would have to pay her lifetime alimony because any alimony awarded will be rehabilitative in nature to allow her to get back into the job market and/or update her skills. Do you have any way to increase your income?

letak2018 · 2019-08-29T03:35:44+00:00

Start keeping a diary/spreadsheet of everything that happens with her. Record her outbursts with a phone or other device. I’m going through a similar situation, narcissistic wife with frequent rage attacks and other forms of emotional abuse.

I’m in TX, so it may be a vastly different result for you, but my first hearing went very well, and I give a lot of credit to the documenting I did.

letak2018 · 2019-08-29T03:39:08+00:00

Think of things this way: right now you are teaching your kids that her behavior is acceptable and that this is a normal healthy relationship.

That realization is what got me off my butt. If you can’t cure her, and you can’t, you owe it to yourself and your kids to at least live in peace and show them what they should expect from relationships and how to be happy as much as possible for the rest of their lives.

letak2018 · 2019-08-29T03:42:40+00:00

I went from living in a 3600ft² house to living in a 2 bedroom apartment. But I am happy and comfortable in the apartment. No screaming. No arguing. No walking of eggshells. And my kids are happy here. It’s a fun, happy place. And we won’t be here forever.

BONUS: I have the AC turned down to like 65°!!!

Every day here is better than every day with the narcissistic b*tch.

SpacemanLost · 2019-08-29T08:48:00+00:00

Can you get a new job in Austin, TX and move there?

Job hunt on the downlow and get an offer. Make up a story that you are going to be laid off, or make it look like you got fired, and lucky you, you got an offer from Texas the next week. Stress that there's a lower cost of living there. Time for a change of pace. Austin is full of Cali transplants. etc. Give her no clue that you're looking to split.

Yes, it'll take you away from family, but you hardly see them. Establish residency there, and then file. Alimony is caped at 5 years in Texas formula should limit it to around 30% take home. CS will be around 2200/mo due to resource cap. Oh, she'll be told that there's plenty of demand there for engineers and to use her degree.

edit: Just saw you are an Associate Dentist. I have no idea if it's easy or hard to locate the same job out of state.

TeeMonty2 · 2019-08-30T01:10:04+00:00

You're welcome and thanks for the clarification. When I suggested you increase your income I should have added that an increase of income should happen once you leave so that you can make up the shortfall with any child support and alimony payments. You really need to get a consultation with an attorney so that attorney can give you real numbers.u I understand that your salary is maxed out right now.

At this point, get her back in the workforce. Wait this out and have her at least in the workforce for a and two would even be better. Let her be established herself so that when you do file for divorce she's working. Lowering your income right now as opposed to suggest it is not a good idea because the court can still impute income to you because of your earning capacity. A court would look at it as if you purposefully made less to lower your support payments.

Also, start doing a lot of parenting with the kids against her objections. This means taking them places on your own if need be making sure you attend all their school and extracurricular events and helping them with homework if you're not already doing that. You don't want to look like the disconnected father in court. You need to show that you are an active co-parent. There may be a way if you can get 50% custody that your child support could also be lowered.

I will look into some good LA attorneys and I will get back in touch with you. Stay strong.

Yourlifetimecoach · 2019-08-31T19:22:10+00:00

This is a tough decision that a lot of people go through. You could stay, but being miserable will take a toll on your mental and physical health. You will live a life, but it won't be thriving and you will not have much motivation to do anything because you will feel stressed out most of the time with no energy for the things you enjoy. If you leave, you will have less money, however, you could figure out a way to maybe get a higher paying job or do something online to gain more money from home. You will be working more, but you will be happier mentally and with time the debt will go down. I don't want to tell you what to do, just thought I would throw some of my thoughts in there.

BornJade · 2019-11-24T12:37:03+00:00

I know it’s been months since you posted this but what happened? Are you an associate or owner of a practice? I feel like the cost of living in LA is just way too high for an associate dentist to live comfortably unless they owned a gigantic dental practice or a DSO

Title	In Limbo
Author	Shaved-extremes
Upvotes	6
Comments	27
Date	August 28, 2019 7:14 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/cwpcy4/in_limbo/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/in-limbo.1204541 https://theredarchive.com/post/1204541

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