Its done

Gattsama · 2025-07-11T12:09:44+00:00

Congratulations on getting a final settlement worked out. The system is fundamentally broken, but it does end. Going forward, things will get better. I am now 2.5 years post divorce and have never been more peaceful and stress free. I owe a lot of spousal support, but that ends next May. Even with spousal support, I actually have more discretionary income now than when married (downgraded and removed unnecessary BS).

Take some to recover, then plan out what your best life would look like, then take steps to create that.

Spared-No-Expense · 2025-07-10T18:27:13+00:00

as a man, there's a irrational feeling that's hard to kick... that even when her behavior over months or years is 100% batshit under any circumstance... is there any possibility that if I could have been just a bit more of a leader, a bit more attractive to her, and then maybe she would have been more happy, at peace, and wouldn't have gone off the rails in so many self-destructive ways — which ultimately led to the division of a family?

again completely irrational, because dealing with her batshit insanity caused far more justifiable sadness and stress for us, compared to whatever amount of sadness and stress she may have had by feeling we were not her perfect version of a disney prince — and yet that sadness and stress didn't make us immediately self-destruct, cheat, or turn to abusiveness in even a remotely similar fashion.

and i get that many believe that men are supposed to be the leaders and are ultimately responsible for bedroom and romantic bliss... but we have to give ourselves the grace that there has to be a limit at some point to that. we are not 100% responsible for all outcomes. women do not get off the hook as being robots with zero agency who only act how we program or force them to.

when the exit behavior is as polarizing as the OPs wife and many others, we have to bury that irrational feeling that we could have done more, and forgive ourselves in full — without caveats of maybe if I'd just done a little more of this or that. No. It's not supposed to be that hard. And with many women, it isn't — regardless of whether she is more or less attractive than you — and many women are able to end relationships with partners and spouses without all the extra bells and whistles.

Unfortunately many do, and now the trick is simply screen better for those indications in the future.

Your only error was not recognizing it earlier, or ignoring it. But it led to your child, so you are unable regret the choice anyway.

You couldn't have done anything to stop this. Forgive yourself. The next choice will be smarter. To have actual happiness in life and also these particular children, the only path was through her. And now you're on the other side. The hardest part is over.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-07-10T17:10:23+00:00

When it comes to an end it can feel so anticlimactic. Give yourself some sort of a treat and set some new goals.

After_Experience_764 · 2025-07-10T14:56:14+00:00

I'll have a beer for you tonight, brother :)

And I'm not sure when exactly, but eventually I'll be right there with you; living as a free man!!

Objective-Apple-7830 · 2025-07-10T13:39:35+00:00

Just wondering , did she show any red flags before getting married?

AssistantActive9529 · 2025-07-10T13:33:06+00:00

You’re a free man. Enjoy it

Title	Its done
Author	twayevrynmeistkn
Upvotes	49
Comments	10
Date	July 10, 2025 1:20 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lwcjtp/its_done/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/its-done.1556795 https://theredarchive.com/post/1556795

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