I really have no one to talk to so I figured maybe putting words down would help. I would appreciate any words of encouragement or even just hearing your experiences. So here it goes...

I (35m) and my wife (34f) have somewhat agreed to a separation. We have one kid almost 8 and have been together for 15 years total 10 married. I'm a veteran and am currently in another mentally demanding career.

I would say things have been a steady decline for a while now. She says that I've changed since she met me, and to that I say of course I have. I've been a loner my whole life and practically raised myself. I was never taught how to navigate emotions and healthy communication. However I have been trying to better myself on that aspect, anyways. She tells me that I'm always angry, I'm depressed, and things are the way they are because of me. She tells me she doesn't feel seen or loved. After self reflection I just stopped trying. Maybe because when I told her in the past how I needed to be loved as a husband I got a half assed try. I guess I got tired of voicing my feelings and having it turned back to me.

So after some arguing I agreed to seek counseling for myself to "fix things". I went for a while and I felt good. I learned a lot about myself and what my belief of a loving relationship is. She gets upset and says counseling isn't working. Well recently she asked us to separate. I agreed. This isn't the first time she's asked btw. So that's the plan we separate and see how it goes. Or so I thought. Lately things will be calm and cordial for a little and then bam. She's crying and sad then goes to mad. She asked for this btw. She tells me I guess I was hoping you'd find another way. I swear sometimes I'm being gaslit. I know that I don't want to be with her anymore but why do I feel so guilty and shameful? Has anyone else experienced this? I feel all these emotions. I could cry, scream, break things.

I fucking hate this.