Know it's right but I still doubt

organicwilly · 2023-11-20T17:47:45+00:00

I'll tell you what I would tell myself because I'm in a similar situation. There are different types of love. You still love her and have a kid together so you'll always be connected on that level. But it's not romantic love, or the passion you're craving. That's why you're feeling guilty, your kid is involved as well.

Honestly it sounds like you're incompatible. That's basically it. Don't get confused regarding PTSD and your experiences, and her just being cold to you. This isn't your fault, some people.. I'd argue most people.. shouldn't be together. We make mistakes and that's just human nature.

I personally decided that I'm not going to live married to someone I'm not connected with, just for the sake of being married. That's called wasting your life.

Do you want to be miserable forever? Or do you want to play the field, have fun, and possibly meet your soulmate? Even if you never settle down, you're at least having fun, no strings. Or you could keep the bag around and be treated like shit.

When you make that decision and take control, she's actually going to respect you more, and it's your choice to take her back. I personally will never take that back but we have kids together and so we need to be nice for their sake. Otherwise I'd be in Panama or Hawaii or some place far away.

Your kid is your life now. Focus on that and not some unsalvageable relationship that brings you nothing but pain and misery.

That's what I wish someone would have told me. Take what you want from it.

Hang in there and thank you for your service.

SecretAltruistic6878 · 2023-11-20T16:50:48+00:00

I’m prior as well. Choose navy though. We’re taught to succeed and not worry about our emotions or caring about our feelings - hence the dark military jokes. You’re not a failure nor is your wife. She could slow her roll abit and you could try to frame your frustrations in a less structured way to show her how frustrated you are. But it’s not really your fault as you may be so frustrated you don’t want it to come out as it may be visceral and a poring out of crap from many years vs just whatever the topic at hand was.

As far as initiating. Have you considered you may bec attracted to her but in this recent back and forth you are putting up walls to block intimacy? I did this one and had to work through it abit.

Do work on you and consider a therapist. I burned through a few until I found the one who could tell me to STFU and consider things to be honest. I’m very black and white and need that blunt commentary from a person.

Also try writing things down even if it’s for your benefit. If you’re hell bent on divorce don’t give things on paper to the stbx as she’ll prob use it against you but you could go somewhere else away from her, write, toss it, and not tell her what you’re doing. Man has rights to privacy but this helped me.

WakeUpAndGoooo · 2023-11-20T16:24:58+00:00

Your feelings are valid and normal. I know that divorcing my STBX is the right thing for me and my kids in the long run. She has proven this to me time and time again. She has given me every reason to divorce and yet it still hurts. I asked my therapist about this and she said it's hard to turn off all the love immediately. It will take time.

Talking with close friends and therapy has helped in leaps and bounds, but I am still an absolute mess. Time is the only thing I see that will help. Take care of yourself, plenty of rest and keep moving. We hear you and are here for you. I'm always up for a DM if need be. This is a really hard road and a lot of help is required.

lifelesswriter69 · 2023-11-20T16:57:23+00:00

i am on this journey and feel as you do...

a friend of mine brought up loyalty. could it be loyalty causing all this for us? possibly -- after all, we expect that in such a relationship.

so unfortunately, i dont have any words of encouragement other then to say you are heard. you are not alone. others feel as you do. reach out or pm if you feel it helps talk at a deeper level to understand it. i am trying and havent made much progress yet

MrCleanWI · 2023-11-20T18:00:28+00:00

Well I do know how it goes when they say they do everything and you know you do quite a bit. Honestly, that's something most women seem to do and I don't get it. I do so much around this house yet she tells her friends I don't do much. It is what it is and it sucks. As for feeling bad, I'm getting out of a toxic one myself and I still have my feelings for her so that's why I feel bad. Even when I divorced my first wife, I cried in court the day it was finalized because I knew a relationship had just ended. Even when a marriage goes bad, there still can be a friendship and sometimes the marriage takes that too and that's what hurts.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-20T23:48:54+00:00

>Why do I feel guilty or sad?

because as a man you take commitment seriously and do not want to see a commitment to the marriage end. But you are not the only party and your soon to be ex wifey wants to eject. In no fault bizaroo land of modern family court... her "feelz" are enough to blow up your marriage.

>Is it because I do still care about her and don't want to see her hurt?

somewhat, you care because you do. You took care of wifey best you knew how and all that, to reward you she will take half your sh!t and make you pay alimony and child support...

>Is it because I'm worried about what it will do to our child? (7)

yes somewhat we all worry about our kids and affects to them. But once again in no fault bizzaro land the woman is rewarded and NOT held to account for the damage she does by exiting marriages.

>I'm curious as to see what helped you move forward.

The best thing to get over an ex is to get over another willing woman who wants to have sexual relations with you. The goal is to find a girl who wants that WITHOUT demanding you wife her up so she can do to YOU what your current ex is doing to you.

OH AND ANOTHER THING:

it's hard but don't believe any "you didn't communicate" bullshoot that the wifey told you. most likely had you been a fantastic communicator she still would divorce you.

The flight controls for the western female are often NOT what they tell you they are.

Jimbothebimbo696969 · 2023-11-21T05:55:40+00:00

Your expressing what most of us have felt and gone through. It’s like a blueprint copy to my situation. Other than me not being in the military.

Gattsama · 2023-11-23T12:01:12+00:00

In my case, it wasn't the lack of sex. It was the lack of intimacy. We went dead bad for the last two years of the relationship, and I didn't care because sex became another chore, and we were distant. There's this school of thought that men just love sex and we don't care about anything else. they just need the warm body. But we are human beings with emotional needs, too.

Her initiating feels wrong because it is wrong. It sounds like you guys need to work on a lot of other things first before sex. For a lot of guys, they don't know how to connect or give / receive intimacy outside of sex.

If she's willing to work on things, consider having more open, honest conversations about your feelings and issues. Look at models like the Gottman Institute yo get started and for a framework.

With that said, some relationships are not healthy and not workable. But you should try everything first before termination.

Title	Know it's right but I still doubt
Author	Ok-Net9524
Upvotes	6
Comments	14
Date	November 20, 2023 2:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17zqccc/know_its_right_but_i_still_doubt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/know-its-right-but-i-still-doubt.1238923 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238923

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