Maybe getting divorce

stumpjumper_steve · 2019-07-11T11:34:22+00:00

If she cheated once, she will cheat again. Been there, done that.

I live in a “no fault” state and she still got half. It’s bullshit how she can cheat, fuck up your life, and get rewarded.

HJass4117 · 2019-07-11T13:47:17+00:00

Honestly I'd bide my time to lower my income and in the mean time start flexing my muscle by not giving a shit and doing the same.

"Oh, you're going to your boyfriend's tonight? Well let's split a baby sitter since I have a date [tinder, colleague, etc.] tonight."

calegreens · 2019-07-11T11:30:55+00:00

This was literally the same situation I was in (minus the money.) I got everything paid off and found out she was having an affair. I lived like you for 5 years. It began to fu*k with my health and work life. Also, I was not able to be the father I wanted to be, constantly having her shit in my head. I finally broke and laid everything on the table. All the evidence I had. Still she denied It. But the proof was there and I was done. She has been civil being I could burn her and him in court. I would definitely talk with a different lawyer. In the state I live in you can sue the other party for being involved with a spouse.

WowzerzzWow · 2019-07-11T11:51:24+00:00

Is this the first lawyer you've had? If they're telling you that, i'd swap to someone else. If you're making 90k a year, you can afford to shop around.

hairy_russian · 2019-07-11T14:26:49+00:00

I was in a similar situation but in New York; I would recommend the following!

I assume you want the kids.

Consider the following scenario:

Have you considered going back to school? Maybe get a PhD or a second bachelors .... take a long sabbatical have ZERO income get some student loans. Spend EXTRA time with the kids?

She will probably take the opportunity to see the fuckhead more. You will have proof of being the primary caregiver. She will have to take on half the student loans. You will not owe alimony you might even get alimony.

DO NOT MOVE OUT OR LEAVE THE HOUSE If she starts saying she “feels” abused wear a body camera at all time around her. My ex told me that all feelings are valid, even though she admits there isn’t anything to justify feelings of abuse. I told her I might feel like the queen of England; but I ain’t getting a tiara!

Document everything to prove you are the primary caregiver. While the judges are biased the law isn’t. And if you show up to the negotiation with letters from the daycare that you dropped off and picked up the kids it helps. Show calendar date of when she left and when she came home to prove she wasn’t there to help.

Wait out the year and a half so it shows you only earn 90k, if you feel ballsy make less then 90k.

calegreens · 2019-07-11T15:15:08+00:00

alienation of affection

Braccas · 2019-07-11T15:59:18+00:00

Good ideas.....currently I’m 100% focused on the kids. We build blanket forts every night, build models with the oldest. Wrestling with all of them, dancing in the kitchen. I see a huge change in their behavior. I realize how much I was fucking up. I don’t know how to respect myself any more. I think I’ll have to establish my own personal boundaries and space. Other then that I’m basically at her whims

EyesOpened50 · 2019-07-11T16:00:06+00:00

Wow been there and still in the mix but changed quite a few things to protect myself, it takes time to recover but with a plan you can regain control on all fronts! You cannot do a short term blast, it will not work - slowly slowly catch a monkey!!! You'll have to PM me if more advice needed on finances.

With regard to the current situation you need to change you - big time!!

Have you read up on marriedredpill ? Get out of the Beta way of thinking and go Red - as far as you need or feel happy! Take what you need and leave the rest! Good start is to read 'No more Mr nice guy' - free pdf on the net, you'll recognise yourself like most of us do - read it twice and make some changes! Get down the gym, start working out plus general exercise - you need to get into shape with whatever happens, plus it'll help burn off the anxiety and stress, keep off the alcohol and lots of water plus good healthy food - your going to war to win back yourself!! Be the best you can for yourself and your kids, forget about her at the moment but you need to start going out, no more babysitting whilst she's out enjoying herself, that's done!

Does she work?

How old are you kids?

Is it stable at the moment?

Look at the other comments - there's some great advice too!

Start researching and reading - knowledge is power and wisdom comes from using it!

You can do it, you're successful in business, now you need to focus on you and make it the best for you and your kids - you're wife has shown you who she really is, believe her!!

Keep posting, especially if it helps you!

Good luck, you can do it!

throwingit_all_away · 2019-07-11T20:50:32+00:00

This is a huge red flag. Before you've even retained the lawyer has given away 8k/month.

This is a one swing at the plate opportunity. You fight for every single blade of grass you can get. You take the most extreme, but reasonable, position possible. You get it all, she gets nothing, and back off from there. From there you can appear reasonable while giving away on the items you didn't care about allowing you to fight harder for the things you do care about without looking like you're fighting on everything.

You can do this. You'll be better off after.

edit: you should also request 100% custody and child support from her.

tbone916 · 2019-07-14T07:52:47+00:00

Man it sure does suck to work hard to be able to be good in the long run to end up betrayed. I feel you but I believe some intensive counseling will work. God bless

warrior_up · 2019-07-11T15:09:29+00:00

Not a lawyer, this is not legal advice just something I would consider, here’s my thoughts

consult with a new attorney
quit your job do to emotional stress/trauma, maintain that narrative as long as you can - get a low paying job at Home Depot stay there as long as you can.
get fired for not showing up because you were too depressed to get out of bed
take a trip to Vegas, go to a bank pull out as much money as you can.
Using the same narrative (emotional stress/trauma/ anxiety) “you gambled all your money away and slept with hookers during 3-4 day bender in Vegas, the affair was just too much for you to handle, you had an emotional breakdown”
Not sure if you have any friends in Vegas you can trust with that amount of liquid cash so you May have to drive the cash back in a rental put it under the mattress at your parents house if you have too.
get a job at Lowe’s or Best Buy or collection agency and continue to act depressed, show up drunk at work and file for medical leave so you seek medical “help” document it
get fired for not showing up again due to depression/anxiety and emotional trauma
have fun sleeping with multiple woman, live your life, build a Harley from the ground up whatever
in ten years go back to the mattress, grab it and use that money to pay for your kids college or don’t and just travel the world - sleep with more woman and build more Harleys
most importantly - screw her

ideliver22 · 2019-07-11T11:50:43+00:00

Not sure of your ability to keep earning like that, but I pay similar. For me....it’s worth it

I’m so much better off and happier. I really am.

Don’t get me wrong...signing over half my cash was brutal and writing that check every month sucks balls. But, in the end, I sleep well.

Your only chance is to get her to go for a dissolution and hope she doesn’t get a lawyer. Make the terms reasonable, lower the monthly support amounts and pray she goes for it.

raider2139 · 2019-11-22T00:33:45+00:00

I can't believe you allow her to go to the bf house I'd change locks soon as she left and say you want him then go but you ain't coming back here then I'd wait till your divorce to figure out everything and how come you ain't go by this guys house and remove another tooth from his mouth I doubt I could just sit by and let her rub my face in it like she is

raider2139 · 2019-11-22T23:57:20+00:00

Good cuz people that keep their dick out of someone else's relationship needs to get hurt a little to its only fair he comes in ruins a relationship and hurts people in the process shouldn't he able to be the only person who benefits from the situation he caused but then that's my opinion

tuzimaster007 · 2019-07-11T15:07:48+00:00

I just want some power back. I want to feel like the “man” of the house. I want to be able to flex a little muscle. Instead I have to sit meekly and do the dishes, feed the kids and put them to bed while she goes to her Boyfriends house. (10 min up the road)

You need to respect yourself and find value in yourself before she will respect you. You can't ask for the relationship dynamic to magically repair itself. You can't just "ask" for respect. That is earned. And you don't earn it by making money full stop. What are you doing for yourself? Exercise? Hobbies? How are you building a relationship with your kids? Simply sending them to sports leagues isn't building a relationship. Are you taking them camping, hiking, exploring the outdoors? What personal activity do you do with them that they can learn from you?

Look, money is great and all - but it definitely feels like you have gone all in on making as much money as possible and have sacrificed alot along the way. Along the way, your wife was clearly not getting the emotional connection that she wanted, and found that somewhere else. Pull back from work and try to refocus on yourself and your relationship with your kids. Maybe your wife will see your efforts and will likewise put some effort into the couples therapy. If not, the lower income will help to reduce the child support and alimony payments.

Title	Maybe getting divorce
Author	Braccas
Upvotes	10
Comments	43
Date	July 11, 2019 11:08 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/cbug6x/maybe_getting_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/maybe-getting-divorce.819398 https://theredarchive.com/post/819398

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