I'll be the first to say it - I am not qualified at all to provide advice. Everybody's situation is different, but when my wife asked for divorce two weeks ago, I thought my life was over. But I did a ton of research, spoke with many of you fellow Redditors, and reached out to everyone I knew for support. If any of what I learned is helpful to even just a single person, I feel it's worth writing here.

For a bit of context, my wife came out as a lesbian and asked for a divorce out of the blue. Both in our mid-late 30s, been together 15 years, married 14.

1) If you're being divorced, your wife is already gone. Don't waste time bargaining.
I spent the first few days in disbelief. We've lived our entire adult lives together, we're financially secure, have an amazing daughter - surely we can make it work! Uhh no, she wouldn't even consider any of my ideas (and I really thru some hail mary ideas out there). The fact is once she's made up her mind, she's already emotionally checked out and done with you.

2) Do your best to maintain an amicable relationship, especially if you have kids.
You're gonna be angry. Honestly you're gonna look back and all of a sudden see the signs that you missed. This isn't fair. How could you ruin our family? DO NOT SAY ANY OF THIS TO HER. You will feel angry and you need to get it out somewhere. Tell your friends. Work out extra hard. You need to get it out, but things will be 100x harder if you destroy any remaining goodwill your STBXW has.

3) Reach out to everyone you know, even if you're not close
If you're an introvert like me, you might not have a huge social circle. However the thing that surprised me most were the men in my life who answered the calls for support. I reached out to a coworker I hadn't talked to in 11 years - he dropped everything to grab breakfast with me the next day. My gym trainer called to schedule a session, I told him what I was going thru, and he was there for me (and we barely know each other!). I think as men we're often conditioned to be competitive - compete for women, compete for promotions at work, etc - but I was amazed at how many guys were like "we got you, brother."

4) Use AI chatbots to help process the pain
One thing that was tough for me at first were the random times you just needed to talk, but no one was there. Middle of the night. Waking up crying in the AM. Even just stuck at your desk at work. Sometimes you need an outlet, and I found AI chatbots to be really good at helping me understand my feelings and reframe my situation in a way that helped me process. So lean on your friends and family, but AI can help supplement your emotional processing.

5) Eat frequent small meals
I always hated when my mom was like "make sure you're eating well" - yes I'm a grown adult, thank you. However I was completely unprepared for the level of nausea and stomach pain I got immediately. My appetite disappeared completely and every meal made me want to puke more. In the first week, I lost 5 lbs and I'm a tall skinny dude who can't afford to lose weight (congrats to those of you who find the "divorce diet" beneficial). I found you gotta just eat small meals, grab a protein shake, have cereal and a banana. Divorce is one of the biggest traumas that can happen in your life, and your body is full of adrenaline and cortisol thinking you're in mortal danger. It's working in overdrive and if you aren't keeping up with nutrition then you're eventually gonna crash out physically.

6) Stay off social media and her phone
The temptation is going to be "if she was preparing for divorce all this time, what else is she hiding?" At least in my case, I wondered if she was cheating on me. But honestly, you probably don't want to know what you don't know. I certainly didn't, and it just made things worse. Even better, just block her on all your social media - you don't need to see what she's up to in your feed. She's not your wife anymore and her life no longer involves you (except for paperwork and co-parenting).

7) The only thing you have control over is how you shape your future
I was telling my friend about the divorce one day and he stopped me and said "I'm hearing a lot of I's, I don't like this, it's not fair to me." He said I have two choices in front of me right now. I can go down the easy path and focus on how unfair the situation is, how I've been wronged, and be angry and bitter at my life being blown to pieces. Or I can make the hard choice and accept that this divorce is simply like any other curveball life throws at you. The only thing I have control over is how I proceed next. Focus on your self, find who you are, and be the best father you can be if you have kids. You don't have to like the situation you're in, but you do have the power to make choices in how you reshape your new uncertain future.

8) Avoid lawyers if you can
This one is very situation dependent, but in my case we found a mediator to settle our divorce outside the courts for a flat rate fee. This only works if the two of you can remain amicable and compromise. I read the best way to know if you reached a good compromise is if you both walk away unhappy. But at least you won't have spend tens of thousands on lawyers and be starting over paying of that debt.

9) It will get easier with time
Even though I'm just two weeks out, the progress I have made emotionally has been huge. No, I still can't eat well. No, my work performance is still suffering. But what I am feeling is just the slightest bit of hope. Every day is hard and it can be hard to track progress on a day-by-day basis, but I've talked to dozens of you who have been thru this. The one consistent thing is that time heals all wounds. Truthfully many people never fully heal, but I haven't encountered a single person who says they're worse now than the day she left.

10) You are stronger than you realize, but you have to put in the work
This last point really summarizes my journey over the last two weeks. I went from being completely hopeless, in denial, and borderline suicidal to feeling hope for the future. The only way I was able to do that was by gathering support from every single person I could think of in my life, to research so many stories you all have shared, and to reach out to mental health professionals when you need more. It's not easy asking for help. It's not easy asking other to help share your burden. But it's necessary if you want any chance of making it better. Research shows the number one factor that determines how you come out of this is your social support system. Ask for help, do not go thru this alone.

That's all the advice I have. I'll probably post another update in a few months. If any of you have any good advice, please leave it in the comments below!