Married for 10y. No kids.

We have been bad for a while, almost 3y. I have some good memories, but most of it fights about how I’m absent and don’t show up or pay enough attention to her. She became more and more feminist, fighting against anything that she felt was patriarchal… I’m always all ears, as I would not like to be abusive at all, and I don’t want to use my former Christian background as a way to judge everything, so I was open to listening, and tweak things.

Over time, I just lost interest and focused more and more on work. And I think I have a pretty successful career. Work gave me control and a space to be myself fully, a place where I’m appreciated.

She had an affair, no sex, I believe her (but what is the difference), as she is not good at sex at all, actually a big issue in our relationship. Our sex life is bad, and she is just way too passive. I have to do it all, including her satisfaction. No actual surprise or creativity on her side, every other month. But the affair hurt so much, that I don’t feel like I could forgive her. I’m stuck there in the fact that even if I was not doing my best, she decided to explore other people.

The affair was the beginning of the whole crisis, 3y ago. At the time, I wanted just to end everything, but she had no job or money, we are immigrants and were on a visa at the time, and I felt like leaving her would f* her life very bad. Besides, I was got by surprise and had never thought about leaving her before.

The weird thing that makes me ponder is that we work very well as a team, partners. Our daily life is smooth, and we agree about most of things. The first 7y of our relationship were great, like we were discovering life together, moving and visiting new places.

I’m very confused, and I can’t even know how to tell her what exactly is not working, is it the sex? The annoying feminism? The affair? All together? Therapy is not working much, just superficially, as the harsh topics are never brought in.

I fear we have a way to fix it all, and giving up in the process will make me regret it later. She is beautiful, she is funny, she is smart. Why is it so messy and confusing right now?

Should I just move on? what would you try next? What am I missing here?