Pre-Mediation Talks

Opposite_Birthday_80 · 2026-04-26T03:48:09+00:00

Based on some of your past posts you are getting divorced because you cheated on your wife, had a baby with your affair partner, then hid it for over a decade, then cheated again. Now, I am honestly not trying to shame you, but context matters. Your wife is likely traumatized by your actions and your kids are probably going through a lot also. Do you think your actions were “fair” to your family? Do you want your wife and kids to have to move out of their home as a result of your colossal failure as a husband and father. Again, I’m not trying to shame you, and I’m not saying you are irredeemable but you have some fences to mend. You may be a good father but your actions completely destabilized your kids lives and robbed them of an emotionally healthy mother. Let her heal for them.

Hopeful_Divorce · 2026-04-26T00:28:17+00:00

I would not die on the hill of the retirement plans. It's simple math, the law is clear and an accountant will figure it out for you, why argue? Get a CPA who specializes in this sort of thing to do the calculation of her share of yours and your share of hers and then equalize it in another way if you really don't want to pull from either account.

I would however not give up on the house. She either has to move out or buy you out and that's it. If she is going to buy you out you need a clear deadline for it to happen, and detailed plan for what happens if she doesn't buy you out by the deadline. If she doesn't meet the refi deadline, when will the house go on the market, who will pay for repairs to ready it for sale, how will you decide what needs to be repaired, how will you choose a realtor, what will the minimum sale price be, how many days will she have to vacate the house before it goes on the market, you don't want to be showing the house with her living in it and she really doesn't want it to sell. This is the hill to die on and you really need to be detailed.

I strongly suggest you pay for a consultation with a family lawyer in your area. You don't have to hire them to fully represent you but just to give you some advice so you fully understand your rights and obligations under the law. There is a lot of misinformation out there.

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-04-24T13:41:01+00:00

Negotiate your retirement plans. You won’t take from hers and she won’t take from yours. Hold firm on the house. She doesn’t get her cake and gets to eat it too. She owes you something and there may be something in your states divorce laws may have extra guidance on that.

Start with what you agree on, make a list and have it ready. Get that out of the way first. It saves time and generally helps the mood because you’ve got a good start.

Where you disagree. Keep to the facts and be logical. Don’t let emotions take over. My ex hated that tactic. Drove her nuts when I wouldn’t give her an emotional response and it kept the mediation process in my favor.

Stick to the plan but have little concessions in your pocket. I had bigger goals and she was petty. I would concede a minor thing like it was a burden and slowly work towards my main objective. She was trading worthless items for keeping her credit card debt. When it was said and done she had no clue how much she actually cost herself.

Go in knowing that not everything favors the wife in settlements. Because of how I negotiated, especially with the house and her amazing credit card debt. I was in a good place post divorce and being granted complete custody of our kids. She had legal issues which helped the custody but everything else made us debt free and ready to start our new lives without her.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-04-24T13:07:56+00:00

You need to get your head on straight. She’s not your wife, you’re not her husband anymore. Your emotions are separate from the business of the divorce. The sooner you’re able to compartmentalize the better. You should insist on a completely fair and legally correct outcome, which you are not. And so now the money and financial settlement you’re entitled to which you will use for the betterment of your kids - will go to her! Don’t wither, fall on your sword, and be a martyr for your marriage by accepting unfair terms or being “generous” or willing to accept something unfair. You’re rewarding her for wrecking your marriage? Shit.

Look at what you’re saying here:

She does work full time and has her own retirement plan which with the same formula I’d receive my portion of hers (but I don’t want it).

My lord. Why don’t you want it? If you wanting it means she won’t touch yours and you end up agreeing that neither touches the others, isn’t that better? Plus you’ll have to pay to have the QDRO done which is a couple thousand bucks maybe.

Bottom line, I do still love her, I’m not looking for this to be messy & nasty.

Standing up for your self isn’t making it nasty. Yes, you still love her but she doesn’t love you and is trying to take advantage of your pain. Is your love still so blind?

I didn’t want this, she does.

It takes two to keep a marriage and only one to wreck it - she wrecked it. So it doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what you do and being wounded is no excuse not to get a fair deal.

If you can’t do these things by yourself to make the divorce fair, then you can’t afford not to have a lawyer.

Ok_Industry3016 · 2026-04-24T13:00:48+00:00

Get a lawyer, protect your assests. Freeze your credit/debit cards. Scan your records monthly.

footnfootout · 2026-04-24T11:15:54+00:00

If you are correct about the law, then I would ask the mediator to set her straight. It is likely better to come from them than from you, Unfortunately, the think that helped me/ us the most was time. It took 1.5/2 years for ideas and concepts to become reality in my brain. I wish we could have gotten there sooner, but you are both going to feel a bit screwed in the process. Also, there are many interpretations of family law so be open to that. Best of luck! It’s better on the other side. And know that 100% you will eventually get a settlement. Be patient!

FUMoney · 2026-04-24T09:55:51+00:00

Prepare for trial. Get a good lawyer, and get ready for trial. And don't give an inch more than you have to.

painfulletdown · 2026-04-24T09:49:09+00:00

My exwife was unreasonable from the get-go and that lasted 1-2 years through failed mediation till the day before trial. Doesn't sound like yours is going to be able to meet you in the middle despite having a lawyer who should have already discussed reality. Recommend keeping your expectations very low and moving forward with your own lower help move this thing along. Unfortunately, in my case, the only thing that got us to settlement was actually setting trial date and having the a judge decision creep closer.

Ok_Industry3016 · 2026-04-24T09:23:51+00:00

Yep lawyer up, if your name is on the title and no history of DMV. STAY IN THE DAMN HOUSE!!!

Divorce lawyers will tell you to stay with what you wish to keep.

Hell slept in my bed while she slept on the couch. F her.

Kick rocks.

Title	Pre-Mediation Talks
Author	StarXXIV7
Upvotes	1
Comments	18
Date	April 24, 2026 8:41 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1su9z8l/premediation_talks/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pre-mediation-talks.1578765 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578765

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