I'll be coming up on my first year divorced in July. In a little under a year I've gone from my brothers basement on an air mattress to living in a new state and in my own apartment.

I've gone to counseling, avoided booze, worked out (probably not enough). The deep and dark days of uncontrollable sobbing have passed. The hopes of her ever coming back have faded.

Still, I'm plagued by what-ifs, by could-ofs and should-ofs. I know it doesn't help to think those thoughts but they're their. All the time.

One moment in particular, the tipping point. I replay it over and over. I've taken responsibility for being the cause of my marriage failing. I never cheated, didn't abuse her, didn't fuck with her mentally. I was basically just lazy, never 'launched' if that makes sense. Looking back, I feel like if I had only made a few small changes everything would have worked out.

That's the worst part.

Of course, you never know, maybe it all would have played out the same no matter what. Still, I miss her every day.