Trying to make up my mind here. I’ve lurked this subreddit for a long ass time.

Background:

Been married for north of 20 years. One adult child, debt free minus the home. Have been subjected to consistent and what I’d consider blatant disrespect for the past 10+ years. While it isn’t necessarily a daily thing, it’s enough to give me pause. I’ve been in therapy for a while now. Even that is a point of contention. According to the other half, the intent wasn’t for me to get therapy, but a joint thing. Mind you, the demand that I get help was because I was being an “asshole” and I was under threat of divorce if I didn’t seek help for my “issues.” Anyhow, my therapist is basically paid to agree with me. They’re of the mindset that I am experiencing emotional abuse. I tend to agree, but am confused. Last bit of background, when we were younger, problems would be patched up through affection without addressing the underlying issues.

About a year ago, we had a death in the family. It was sudden and unexpected, so it rocked everything, hard. I handled the arrangements; I was repressing it all because I had to continue to function. When I was finally able to start processing the grief, I was told that because it wasn’t my blood, that I should instead be there for her. Shortly after burial, a spat ensued and she kicked me out of the master bedroom. I’ve been living in the guest room since. In late November, she asked me back. I declined. In working with the therapist, I’ve come to realize that most of this is a thinly veiled power play.

Yesterday for example, was working around the house, was folding my laundry and was barged in on. Was told that I had been “given too much time” and had to decide by Wednesday whether it’s quits or not. Had a business trip scheduled early this morning. Took some Benadryl to sleep earlier than usual because of the alarm time. About 40 min after taking it, it was a “help me understand…” request which turned into a monologue about how if I would only just give her the affection she wants, she’d finally show me respect. Told her that without respect, there is no reason for me to give her affection. She asked what that meant. Told her that accountability is key for me. She constantly says things like, “if you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y” as a justification for her shitty behavior. Informed her that I didn’t need until Wednesday. I know that you cannot negotiate desire and/or respect.

Bedded down and about 30 min later as I’m in the cusp of falling asleep, got a knock and a 2 min generalized apology if she made me feel unloved.

This feels like a push/pull and Hoover situation. Am I off base here?

Am I free of culpability? No. I’m human and have fucked up plenty. Do I feel it is okay to hold a boundary and require some semblance of respect before I change? That’s what I’m struggling with. I believe it should be okay. My hang up is based on a sense of honor.

Anyone else struggle with this? If so, what did you do or how did you handle it?

Thanks for reading.