Greetings,

Quick background. I got into PUA material about 10 years ago and followed it on and off until ~2015. Got to sleep with a decent amount of women over 10 years (not necessarily because of the PUA stuff), but I've never managed to be in a healthy long-term relationship. Somewhere, something's wrong with me.

Back when I started my self-help journey, the red pill wasn't around as far as I was aware. Sure, PUA has always has close ties to its ideas, but I never considered myself a red piller. When I learned about it, I was mature enough (as well as highly educated) to see how flawed the "philosophy" (lol) was. Maybe the PUA ideas still run deeper than I thought.

Now to my actual problem.

I haven't been in love many times in my life; I count 4 times in my adult life. In fact, every time I've been in love, it ended up terribly, usually with me "losing" to another man (yes, my mentality is fucked up). Recently, I met a girl I started to develop feelings for. It was this kind of impossible relationship: she had to go back to her country, and I'm travelling. But I couldn't help it. We started talking about plans to meet up again. I believe she felt the same, but was afraid to let it go since she knew we were gonna separate.

Like many travel romance, it was short and intense. We spent all our time together for about a week before we inevitably went our own way. During that time, we slept together in bed, had some foreplay, but didn't have sex. First, because she was having her periods in the first few days. Then, my understanding was that she was coming from a conservative background. We talked about it, and she told me she never had casual sex, she exclusively fucked with LTRs. She told me she didn't want us to fuck because she knew this was going nowhere.

Even thought I was horny as fuck, I understood. I even wrote it down as an epiphany in my journal. Sex was secondary. Having an emotional connection was the priority. I felt like I was overcoming years of toxic mentality. We then left for our respective way; I was sad, sure, but it wasn't a bad "breakup": for once, I didn't feel like I failed at something, it was simply bad circumstances. I was not responsible.

Fast forward to yesterday, and coincidentally I learn from someone else that one week before we met, she fucked some other dude in their hostel's bathroom on the first night. Now, I'm fine with her having sex with other men; in fact, I saw another girl while we were together, but then decided to cut that as it made me feel guilty. What is getting to me is 1) why did she fuck that guy on the first night while we spent all this time being lovey-dovey without any sex? and 2) why did she lie to me about having no casual sex as an excuse not to have sex with me? My trust for her went in the trashcan.

I feel confused, sad, angry. I feel cheated. I feel like everything I got out of this "emotional connection is the priority" is rendered null. I also feel like a total loser. I feel beaten.

And that's where I feel the red pill thoughts creep in. You all know these. I played the role of the provider, of the beta male, while the alpha male fucked her. She "used" me (even thought I didn't pay for anything) for whatever reason. Looking for emotional connection was weak. Believing a woman's conservative sexual life was idiocy. I should've acted like a stud, give no fuck, and we would've had sex instead of holding hands and cooking together.

I guess what I'm looking for is a healthy way to deal with these small relationship traumas that just seem to accumulate over time. I realize it is with these thoughts that I always coped with heartbreaks. I don't want to fall in the same pattern again. But I need help to rationalize it, because all I can see right now is confirmation of the red pill/mgtow. I need counterarguments but cannot find them myself.

I also need advice on what to do. On one side, I want to text her to find the truth. One the other side, I feel like that'd be way too intense. And then, this might be more PUA conditioning with the idea that asking her would be beta, that I shouldn't give a fuck.

Thanks for any help.

TLDR: girl told me she never had casual sex. Learned she did a week before she told me so. Red pill thoughts coming back.