What is a real gentleman?

To start out, I believe that men have failed at being real gentlemen, but embodying the behaviors of a gentleman can be quite complicated. I will give examples of a gentleman that is a little too nice, one that is too mean, and one that fits the bill.

Many women today are discouraged that men no longer behave like gentlemen, but what is this mysterious figure that women seek?

If you ask people what a gentleman is you will often get the following: "He is a man that opens car doors, plans romantic dates, and always treats women with the utmost respect. That sounds like a fine person, but there is an issue in that description that men often confuse.

The description seems fair but it has an unfortunate overlap with a more negative term. Bare with me here, and please hear me out. The term "simp" generally refers to a man that desperately chases after women's approval, which is not an attractive quality. Now ask yourself, would a simp also do every action that the above-described gentleman would? -- The answer, is yes.

So is a gentleman just a simp that women find physically attractive? Absolutely not. The description sounds nice but it does not include any opportunity for strong emotions or passion that a gentleman must be capable of.

Now we will discuss the evil version of a gentleman. This version is exciting but unhealthy.

There is another kind of man who will hold open doors, plan romantic dates, and who will respect women in public spaces, but he does not do these things for women. He does those actions solely for his own image. This counterfeit gentleman is the narcissist. He behaves with eloquence and demonstrates charm, but it is a lie.

He makes use of gaslighting, manipulation, and psychological abuse while hiding it behind the façade of a well-intentioned human. Women are often drawn to this type of man, but to their peril. He creates strong emotions, and passion, but does so only for his benefit and cares nothing for the women he hurts. Yet, those in his circle will see his outward display, and call him a gentleman. His subtle Machiavellian behaviors are alluring, but a real gentleman, he is not.

Now, to the reality of what men should seek to embody, but have failed to become.

The real gentleman exists somewhere between the two. He is willing to sacrifice to make a woman's life better, but he also cares for his own happiness. He is empathetic to women's feelings, but he is not afraid to engage in playful teasing and banter. He is respectful of women's autonomy but understands that her desire for physical intimacy often coincides with his own.

He can hold open doors, plan romantic trips, and be respectful with the sole purpose of loving a woman, but he also has an expectation to be treated well.

A real gentleman is balanced. This leads to the question: why has our society failed to create these men?

The answer is this:

All men are taught to only embody the gentleman that is too nice. Men try their best to embody what they are trained to be. But while they are living out the ideals of niceness they see that women continually choose narcissistic men.

The good men then have two options. To take up the tactics of the narcissist, or to lie to themselves that being too nice will one day make them attractive and capable of creating strong emotions.

Society rejects the notion that a man must be a balance between the good and the bad. A man must learn to respect himself first so that the respect he shows to others will be appreciated.

I hope that one day our society will learn what it is missing, and will take steps to create balanced men.

If you've finished reading this post, I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts. Thank you.