This is something that has been on my mind for a very long while, so talking about it makes me feel a bit better.

My ex was terrible at sex. That's it! And I never said what was on my mind. "You don't attract me physically", "You are asking for too much", "I'm not in the mood", "You make me feel insecure about my body", etc.

I kept drowning in sadness and anxiety, bc I was a cool girl, right? The sexy girl that is always horny and thinks her man is a Greek God. But the "cool girl" doesn't exist. She never did. She was just a insecure girl, that thought having a bf would make everything better. That thought not being pleasured both in sex and other things wasn't bad at all, if her bf still liked her.

So sex was pretty bad. But the fantasy was nice. To pretend I liked him. To pretend I was enjoying. "Fake it till you make it". The fantasy of having a relationship was sexual to me.

Now that we aren't together, I can't masturbate without porn. Because I feel horny only for people I am/was romantically interested. So whenever I try to get off, I think about him. As I hate remembering him, I use porn. Bc porn is kind of "lifeless". There is no romance or attraction. Just sex.

So I prefer lifeless sex than remember my dark past relationship. It really sucks. But I think I'm slowly getting over him, bc last night I could imagine having sex. But ofc, the face of the person fucking me was blank. That is what makes me angry: not having a face. Men are used to do not think about faces, just brainless sex dolls. But I'm not used to it! :/ it sucks.

Well, wish me luck! If you have any advice, please tell <3