I had a major lightbulb moment that I wanted to share with everyone because it’s so simple but it’s reframing every interaction I have with people (but mostly men).

And that is asking myself in every scenario where I am being asked to do anything: how would this situation this benefit me?

If I find myself even asking this question, then the answer is usually that it doesn’t benefit me at all.

I am a very empathetic person and am find myself going out of my way to do things that other people wanted me to do because I’m a nice person and I like doing nice things, even if it’s inconvenient for me. I’m currently working on having better boundaries BEFORE I feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or just stretched too thin. Asking myself this before I take any action has really helped me determine what my limits are and how I can avoid feeling bad or guilty about setting them. Sometimes I’ll even ask a man: why would I do that? And most times they answer “because you’re nice,” “because you like me,” or just can’t answer. This is because they know what they’re asking you is solely for their benefit.

For example, a few nights ago a guy asked me out for drinks tonight (I know FDS doesn’t like this but I was a specialty outdoor bar that I already wanted to go to). Cut to today, this guy asks to meet at his apartment first and then cut through a sketchy park that isn’t well lit. It’s also cold and rainy outside.

Aside from this being LVM behavior, going to some guys apartment and walking through a shady place doesn’t benefit me AT ALL. I have absolutely nothing to gain from these interactions and everything to lose. I shouldn’t feel bad about declining. I shouldn’t feel bad about blocking someone who, best case scenario, has put zero thought into my comfort or safety, and doesn’t value my time.

And I don’t.

Am I potentially missing out on someone good? I don’t think so, because a good person wouldn’t try to switch preplanned activities hoping I’d be too timid to say no. They wouldn’t try to convince me to risk my safety and comfort because they want something from me.

Most men are extremely self-serving, and they’re really good at it. They don’t feel bad asking other people to do things that only benefit them. Women on the other hand are taught to be self-sacrificing often at great personal cost—hence why I would feel bad when telling someone no. It’s so deeply ingrained that it’s hard to recognize in the moment. But I strongly feel that this is one thing men do right: they put themselves and their wants/needs first no matter what.

For the other people pleasers here, join me in making it a habit to ask this —either to ourselves or the asker— every time we’re asked to do something for another person.