I’ve been following FDS for a few years now after the end of a horrific situationship that had yet again left me with whiplash and my self-esteem in a free fall. I found FDS when I had hit rock bottom after being taken advantage of, unable to form or enforce boundaries, and totally unable to control my emotions.

Through the brutal advice given from the women here, therapy that focuses on boundary and trauma work, and deep self-reflection, I have emerged on the other side. I have practiced what is in the handbook (which interestingly enough has been eerily similar to what my therapist has been recommending even though I haven’t mentioned FDS to her at all), uncomfortable self-love that included a complete break from dating and now not only understand my self-worth but have the tools to shut down disrespect, dehumanization, and abuse that extends beyond romantic relationships.

This work has allowed me to experience what respect, boundaries, and self-love truly looks like. I am currently dating a man who listens to me, respects me and my boundaries, can show attraction without degradation, and seems to truly value me for the person I am. And while I’m happy (yet cautiously so) to finally understand what this feels like, I’m also extremely sad. I’m sad that the girl and woman I was raised to be tolerated and expected both abuse and disrespect.

She made so many excuses for the men who hurt her. She abandoned herself to make others comfortable. She absorbed the emotions of everyone around her to keep the peace. She disrespected herself to fit in. She let men decide what kind of woman she should be.

I’m sad that I am just now experiencing what should have been the bare minimum of decency in my romantic relationships. I’m sad that my parents both forced me to be independent but didn’t allow me to express boundaries or self-worth. I’m sad that I was sent out into the world without the knowledge or tools to save me from abusive environments. I’m sad that I allowed myself to stay in them for years. I’m sad for the women I’ve spurned and ignored who tried to help me, who told me I deserved better.

I’m sad for the woman I used to be, who didn’t understand or know what respect and decency felt like. Who let others use her just because they could. The contrast between what I allowed, what I thought was love and respect, what I thought was normal is both stark and alarming.

I grieve and mourn the woman I was. But I never want to be that woman again.

EDIT: I am deeply moved by all the words of support, encouragement and strength from all of you ❤️ and I am so glad that I could share a beautiful moment of growth with all of you!