Avoidant attachment style - what's helped me and what I've been doing

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-05-23T05:46:47+00:00

Dismissive-avoidant here. Thank you so much for the tips! ❤️

I couldn’t agree more with #1. We can only have a healthy relationship with a securely attached person. I tend to attract anxious guys in the past, so now I’m more aware of anxious behaviors and run when someone seems like they may be anxiously attached.

We probably won’t start relationships with another avoidant person because none of us would need each other, so that leaves us with anxious and secure. And we just gotta weed out the anxious in order to find someone securely attached.

Edit: also know that imperfect attachment styles are not something that can be easily “healed”. You can be aware of it and improve on it, but at the end of the day it stems from your childhood and it won’t change easily. I’ve learned from my psychology classes that being in an relationship with a securely attached person helps you become more secure, and that doesn’t mean you’ll “drag down” the secure person in any way - it just automatically balances the dynamics and pushes you towards the secure side.

DelicateDream · 2020-05-23T06:29:17+00:00

Most books on this topic sympathize with anxious types and demonize avoidant style. It seems you’ve noticed this already. I’m guessing the authors lean anxious as the anxious tendency is to play victim and make everyone else the bad guy. This triggers avoidants who easily feel manipulated and that their needs are trivialized as the demands of the partner eclipse them.

Avoidants are often avoiding manipulation and having boundaries violated. What can help is communicating expectations and boundaries early to see how someone responds. Say you don’t like texting 24/7 and someone can’t respect that, then they aren’t for you. If they can communicate what they need and give you space to meet them halfway then you’ll probably feel less pressured. Over time, if someone is consistent yet shows respect for your boundaries then you may find yourself less likely to get overwhelmed.

rinabean · 2020-05-23T10:26:29+00:00

Relationships with men are not a safe place to improve your attachment style. If a man ever makes you want to run, you run. It doesn't matter what's wrong with you. It doesn't matter if you hallucinated the entire man! Respect red flags. Never second guess yourself. I have never in my life met a woman who over analyses men and comes out thinking they're worse than they are, either

You can practice healthy relationships with female friends. You wouldn't get over a fear of cats by climbing into a cage with a tiger, or even a housecat that's known to scratch

I have worked on my mental health my whole adult life and, though I still broadly tend towards avoidant, I have a secure attachment to my husband. I have never found anything aimed specifically at attachment styles to be helpful. As you mentioned, the problem is things like low self worth, social anxiety, and negative views of the future, and there's a variety of ways to improve those. When you feel good enough about yourself and the future you are able to build secure attachments. It helps that my husband has a secure attachment style himself. But I never forced myself to be with him, made myself doubt myself. That is not a safe strategy for dealing with men, who kill women, and if your psychologist suggested it she's not fit to practice. I knew I was attracted to my husband even when my anxiety was so bad I was suicidal. This sub and others are full of women's accounts of being totally mentally healthy and convincing themselves they were attracted to a man they weren't, though.

dannh123 · 2020-05-23T05:45:37+00:00

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ny-lady · 2020-05-23T11:02:27+00:00

I can only work with a secure if you're an aware avoidant actually working on it.

As a secure with a dismissive avoidant side when I dated an avoidant nothing I did worked with him as he was unaware and didnt want to work on himself.

Jebs forum can be a good read. https://jebkinnison.boards.net/

Find a therapist that works with attachment issues as not all are equal and good in this area.

2020-05-23T07:48:16+00:00

My avoidantly attached ex repeatedly broke up with me and cheated on me then said he wanted to marry me then said he wanted to live together then said he wanted polyamory then said he wanted to be single. Of course I was anxiously attached to him and afraid of abandonment. I used to completely trust him not to hurt me, when he was across the country. Then after he hurt me and expressed not wanting commitment, then wanting it, then not wanting it again, I didn’t trust him anymore. I completely trust a securely attached guy to go out with his buddies. Definitely did not trust my ex to do that.

devoushka · 2020-05-23T19:51:23+00:00

I used to have an insecure attachment style and now I think I've become avoidant. I had a couple of really bad heartbreaks within like 6 months of each other and now I'm kinda like empty inside. I don't even want to get to know someone unless they remind me of my most recent ex. Like that's the only thing that gets me going.

Probably time to get back into therapy.

dzgata · 2020-05-23T06:08:09+00:00

Coming from someone with secure attachment please do not engage in a relationship with anyone until you overcome your avoidant attachment style. You’re causing people unnecessary trauma and pain. Seek therapy and work on yourself until you’re healed.

twozen · 2020-05-24T00:56:29+00:00

I think you've made some great points and it's clear you're taking this seriously and trying really hard. Make sure you give yourself credit for that. I think for those commenting on whether or not you should be dating right now, you can decide that for yourself. It depends on how deep your trauma is, the effort you're putting forth, and what kind of partner you have, and I'm sure lots of other variables too. Your whole point about not being able to tell if you have lost attraction to someone vs. being afraid of the intimacy and pulling away is very real. It feels the same. No one else can answer that for you, nor are you guaranteed to leave a wake of heartbroken people behind you.

If you are initially attracted to someone then you start pulling away, I would guess that is the fear surfacing. I read a quote recently that said if you are feeling an emotional need (either needing attention and reassurance OR avoiding and running away) that feels urgent, then it is likely the attachment issues at work. For example, I have moments where I might think about a person ALL DAY and feel the need to make a confession of feelings. Or other times when I'm finally alone and have downtime, I'll share a ton of texts/memes/tweets/whatever and get frustrated when I don't get a response asap. These are full-on anxious thoughts so they are different from yours, and I feel the deactivating strategies may be different. But I have picked up on some general advice that seems to be helping me. These steps go in order and get more difficult at the end. I still have trouble with #5 (basically initiating difficult conversations), but I do push myself to open up when my partner asks.

Pay attention to the urgency of your feelings. If it feels urgent, recognize that it is likely the result of attachment trauma.
Investigate the uncomfortable feelings. What is hurting you? What is your default reaction to that? If the roles were reversed, would you make the same assumptions? How do you view yourself? Try to turn your feelings into words.
From step 2, challenge any negative conclusions about yourself/your partner. When the thoughts are directed towards yourself, utilize the ideal parent figure protocol. (pretty simple concept but DM if you want to know more) When directed at your partner, list out the positive things about them.
Practice acting on your feelings in a new and healthy way. This could mean politely asking your partner for space. If you can handle it, try to also be reassuring or offer another time to talk/hang out. I recommend being direct and not using other excuses - people can see through those and will lead to confusion and distrust on your partner's end.
When you are feeling comfortable, try to open up in small amounts. Tell them you are working through some intimacy issues and you are working on getting better. Tell them it is NOT personal, it's just how you have been taught to act with everyone. Express any needs you've figured out in step 2. Any amount of discussion here I think will be very helpful and informative to your partner. And if you have a partner that responds with understanding and patience, then that builds trust on your end too!

gimmeshelter48 · 2020-05-23T22:39:03+00:00

How do you know if a partner is secure? What does it feel like to be with a secure attacher?

Title	Avoidant attachment style - what's helped me and what I've been doing
Author	dannh123
Upvotes	89
Comments	28
Date	May 23, 2020 4:11 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/goyils/avoidant_attachment_style_whats_helped_me_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/avoidant-attachment-style-whats-helped-me-and-what.675393 https://theredarchive.com/post/675393

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