Dealing with jealousy

popfriday · 2020-03-28T00:01:17+00:00

Trust your gut, it’s telling you the truth sis.

2340000 · 2020-03-27T23:15:58+00:00

I honestly hope that you will take a serious look at the gender stereotypes that you've internalized. You are not insecure. You are not jealous. You aren't too emotional. You don't have issues. Stop calling yourself a pickme. You are learning, just like everyone else on this sub. Be kinder to yourself. Would you accept anyone talking about you the way you talk about yourself?

You two are in highschool. Regardless of your age, he is lying to you. Do not let what society says about women and what he says about women, gaslight you. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough.

He went to another girl's house. And chose to lie about it first, saying it was a gym. This is not love.

Please know your feelings are justified!!!!! This is not okay at 18 or 35. And, he is NOT perfect.

I understand how you feel. Guys are mystical. Perhaps you want to be "that girl", because everyone knows about you two. I know it's harsh, but if you were my sister this is what I'd say.

finance_lady · 2020-03-28T01:18:42+00:00

Two high school seniors in a house alone “working out.”

I don't want to be that person here, but I am in my mid-30s here and you're 17 or 18 years old. You have so much time to date, and you'll have plenty of jerks and a few HVM. Your boyfriend is not the last guy in the world. Your feelings are valid, and if you communicate them to him and he ignores or downplays them, you should break it off. It's almost the end of senior year now, so if you see him a lot, that might stop anyway. <3

Sayeesa13 · 2020-03-28T02:13:29+00:00

When I was dating LVM, I was "insecure" too. My "insecurities" would trigger at the worst times- like when they were 'just being harmlessly flirty' or spending a lot of time alone with another woman but 'nothing happened' and I was 'making a big deal' out of it, or whatever B.S. line they used on me to deflect from their own disrespectful actions.

Shockingly enough, the very second I started dating a HVM, my "natural" insecurities were basically nonexistent.

You've stated he's "naturally flirty" with other women. That other girls hitting on him was an issue in the beginning of your relationship. That you started out at FWB and it was you pushed for a relationship. That's he's been with so many other women. That he doesn't want you looking at his phone. You feel insecure in the relationship.

...He is NOT a HVM. He does not deserve your time. Stop telling yourself you don't deserve a man's complete affection. You can do SOOOOO much better than him. Think of all his amazing traits you think are HV, and add loyal, validating, and honest (traits he definitely doesn't posses) then you might be somewhere close to defining a HVM.

Trust your intuition. He's definitely not perfect.

level_up_always · 2020-03-27T23:24:09+00:00

What are your standards and boundaries? This should be something you think about for yourself before getting into a relationship because it's not about the other person it's about you and what you're comfortable with. So now you get the chance to think about what they are. Is this a deal breaker for you? You've told him you're uncomfortable, now the ball is in his court what he does with that information. You can't make him do anything so you have to accept it or leave. It's really that simple but not easy.

> She goes to our school and pretty much everyone knows my boyfriend is taken. But my boyfriend is really attractive and just naturally flirty, I wouldn’t be surprised if she or other girls would hit on him.

When someone is in a relationship that actually makes them more attractive esp when it's a man, this is called preselection. So it really doesn't mean much that 'everyone knows' although of course it's a good thing it's just not a detterent the way you may think it is bc there are girls who don't care or would even see it as more of a reason to pursue them because they have low self esteem and getting a taken guy to cheat makes them feel powerful. It just shows you who the shitty people are who would do this knowingly.

And of course he's going to have other girls hit on him. That's the nature of having a desirable man.

> This was kinda an issue in the beginning of our relationship. We had an fwb type thing going on and I was the one to push for a relationship since I didn’t like giving him all the girlfriend benefits without the relationship. To top it all off he told me he’s been with many girls before me but I’ve been his first real relationship. Meanwhile, he was my first and I was kinda disgusted he’s done the intimate things we’ve done with tons of other girls he wasn’t even in a relationship with.

This is the kind of stuff that in the reverse is posted a lot about men feel insecure that their gfs were with lots of other people. You really need to get over this because it doesn't matter. The problem is you're insecure because you forced him into a relationship not because he's been with so many people.

I know you want to think you're going to have this future with him and living together (which you really shouldn't do anyway tbh) but most likely college will break you guys up and he will want to go out and experience women and college life. 9/10 this is what happens. Could you be the exception to the rule? Sure. But based on the way things started and the current dynamic it's not looking good. If you want to salvage your relationship and be seen as a hvw you need to make some changes and the relationship may not survive this. You're so young and have so much life ahead of you don't get stuck on one guy esp if a lot of it is tied up into him being your first. 99% he's not going to be your last so focus on yourself and your happiness/self esteem independent of him and the relationship because that is what makes pickme behaviors come out.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2020-03-28T01:47:06+00:00

Yeah, that shit would not fly with me for several reasons. 1) If your gyms are closed, I assume you also have a shelter in place order? Anyone who violates that is an absolute fool. Plus workout equipment is notoriously filthy. 2) I think it’s inappropriate for someone in a relationship to work out with someone of the opposite gender if they’re not a family member , especially in the way he hid the truth from you. He knows he’s up to something or else he wouldn’t say “gym”, he’d come right out and say “Instagram Becky’s garage”. He knows it’s inappropriate. If it’s platonic, why doesn’t he invite you along?!

Naw, sis...

kwalden2 · 2020-03-28T00:28:01+00:00

You need to get self control over your own actions and emotions. You knew it wasn't right to intiate an exclusive relationship it, but you did it anyway. You knew it was best not to show jealousy, but you did anyway. Not good.

You have Mr. Supposedly Perfect on a mental pedestal- even though you know exactly why we're all going to tell you he's not all that great. Honestly, you make it sound like he was pretty much only a f***boy before you, especially for such a young man. Maybe that's where your issue with his past FWBs comes in. His values have always been different from yours.

I second another comment here that says you shouldn't plan to live with this man in college immediately. Give it more time and keep your won space. Even now you should be having friends to work out and stuff with as well, basically. Remember: your life can/will go on without him!

As a listener, I try to understand what you mean by "feeling jealousy." You're not unhappy about something in particular that he did with or for Miss Gym Rat. You say he did nothing wrong and he's not a cheater. What you feel is insecure because you say she's "much more attractive than you" and he's "a natural flirt." You don't feel worthy enough of all his affections. Maybe that's you seeing things from his perspective. I'm sorry to say it, but I think the insecurity stems from you being wiith a flirty, usually noncommittal jock. I don't think it stems from you. Were you ever insecure before him? I'm guessing no. This is why we don't go asking for exclusivity first. We need to know what the man wants so we feel comfy.

Now, onto what Mr Supposedly Perfect actually did by being alone privately with Miss Gym Rat. I would most likely not be comfortable alone in a secluded space with a strange man... unless I was already involved with him! Are they friends since they were babies? There are circumstances, maybe, but it's rare. At best, they took a risk. You are right to have been suspicious. My comment is already a wall of text though... Maybe we can PM about it.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-03-28T05:00:25+00:00

This relationship doesn’t sound healthy for your mental health. Sex has a lot of emotions with it. They are hard to break.

Start being a badass that you were meant to be. Start being your best friend. What would your best friend say? And listen to it.

AnnieandFish · 2020-03-28T14:54:56+00:00

Sis, you’ve got to protect yourself a little. Why were you even in a fwb scenario in high school?

WestAtmosphere · 2020-03-28T17:26:05+00:00

This is not a good sign. I’ve been there. Guy seemingly has friend that is a girl - which ok np if he knew her before I was there. But often there is history.

My one ex kept this one girl as a friend, and I turned a blind eye because I didn’t want to be a nag. Turns out they have slept together previously. I was FUMING, because he was still close to her and I had been left in the dark. Eventually he claimed to have stopped talking to her, several months later I find he still has her number, along with 100s of porn pics in his photo album. God I don’t know how I lasted in this relationship, I was obviously extremely insecure to stay and endure this torture of not only what I had just listed but also him liking porn accounts on instagram and blatantly sexual pictures of female friends.

I sure dodged a bullet. He’s the type of man that will never truly settle even if he’s married. And probably will never have a successful relationship unless his partner is a willing doormat.

I’m really not trying to be mean about this, it’s just bleh I completely understand where your head is at. I just never see it as a good sign. The only other thing maybe you could try is going to workout with him? Ask if you can join them. If it turns into an issue then I think you have an answer.

January347 · 2020-03-27T23:08:38+00:00

Why don't you go her gym with him and see what their dynamic is like? My boyfriend can also be a little insecure at times, it can effect the relationship pretty badly, but we always resolve any conflicts because we truly trust each other.

I'm sure you are plenty attractive, and your partner must think so too because he is dating you and not her! I hope you can overcome these feelings, if you really do trust your partner wholeheartedly, then don't worry, and especially don't doubt your own attractiveness.

I think the quote "A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms." really applies here, and I hope you find it helpful.

pizzamagic · 2020-03-28T17:05:21+00:00

You're soooo young, you're still a senior in high school. Dump his ass and don't be afraid to be single. Seriously. You have your entire life ahead of you. Work on you. Take this advice from a recovering pickmeisha, serial LTR-haver with LVM for over 10 years.

Lethalprincessrabbit · 2020-03-31T01:30:26+00:00

trust your gut, he's definitely cheating sis and you should never form a relationship with a FWB and you said it yourself you had to initiate the actual relationship. A guy doesn't go down to a really pretty girl's house to play scrabble. he's BSing you. Kick him to the curb

Title	Dealing with jealousy
Author	Ugythrowaway123
Upvotes	7
Comments	20
Date	March 27, 2020 10:32 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fq7g0m/dealing_with_jealousy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dealing-with-jealousy.679485 https://theredarchive.com/post/679485

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