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Don’t pay for dates because you’re afraid men will feel “entitled” to sex. You’re letting them start negotiation on their terms. Get used to men being unreasonably entitled and offended at your rejection of their half ass effort. And get even MORE used to not giving a SINGLE FUCK.

CoolMelonade

November 30, 2019

151 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e3q6zo/dont_pay_for_dates_because_youre_afraid_men_will/

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Title	Don’t pay for dates because you’re afraid men will feel “entitled” to sex. You’re letting them start negotiation on their terms. Get used to men being unreasonably entitled and offended at your rejection of their half ass effort. And get even MORE used to not giving a SINGLE FUCK.
Author	CoolMelonade
Upvotes	151
Comments	28
Date	November 30, 2019 3:48 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e3q6zo/dont_pay_for_dates_because_youre_afraid_men_will/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-pay-for-dates-because-youre-afraid-men-will.687760 https://theredarchive.com/post/687760

Comments

[–]velocity2dsFDS Disciple67 points68 points69 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]dandelionmommyFDS Newbie36 points37 points38 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]pinkyberriesFDS Disciple21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]dackarooRuthless Strategist76 points77 points78 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]TinkerInTheDarkFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple42 points43 points44 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Years ago I was in two first dates where:

Date 1: dude got angry when he tried to ask me to go to his house after dinner and I politely declined and said I preferred going in another time. He got up while I was still finishing desert and went to the cashier to pay for his part if the dinner and went outside while I was left inside "wtf?" Lmao

Date 2: dude paid me some drinks on a date where he most talked about himself and his achievements, asked zero questions about me or even listened to me at all. At the end of the date he got angry and almost stormed off when he realised I wasn't going to have sex with him that night.

This to say that let them pay. If they get entitled to sex or angry or passive aggressive they didn't get sex then take it as a red flag to stop seeing them and wasting your time with them.

[–]velocity2dsFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]jmsmith10124 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ItsAnonCatFDS Apprentice57 points58 points59 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]pinkyberriesFDS Disciple37 points38 points39 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Purple5091FDS Newbie43 points44 points45 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Epr191 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Purple5091FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]topDOOMFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]rad_daphneFDS STRATEGY COACH15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]smolgiraffFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]rad_daphneFDS STRATEGY COACH5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Montpellier335 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

So what do you do in the case of guys who think that because they paid they're owed sex, but they're also manipulative enough to act nice until they get it, and then they turn into assholes afterward?

I mean obviously they're still in the wrong. But after one-exboyfriend who spent a lot of time bitching about "how much he did for me" when I was breaking up with him, with incessant crazy phone calls, etc. I was well scared off of letting guys do much for me before they've earned my trust. For casual dates, I've had 100% less guys blowing up my phone about how I'm a "cold bitch" for not sleeping with them when I've gone dutch.

Everyone is entitled to their own priorities of course, but for me and my income I'm happier paying for my own drink and in exchange not having to deal as much with misogynists bitching/blowing up my phone when I see right through them and reject them anyway. I guess if you don't make much money or you're less bothered by bullshit whining then yeah, a free meal might be worth that to you.

Once I'm in a relationship, however, I favor what a friend called "the socialist bar tab." That's where each person pays a percentage of the bill that reflects their income relative to the other people they're drinking/dining with. Usually I've dated guys who make more money, so usually I come out ahead on that one. My current bf and I split our rent the same way. My current boyfriend is very generous, and it's much appreciated, but key to me being comfortable with that were other actions that made it clear to me he didn't expect anything in return. It's one of the (many) things that made me want to be with him.

I guess a lot of why I feel strongly about this issue is also the cautionary tale I see in my mom. My mom earned a professional degree but then wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, and my dad made more than enough money to support that lifestyle. But a few years onward, she was no longer in love, but didn't want to leave because of the lifestyle. So she just kind of became this miserable, bitter person who is mean to everyone. Like logically, I know this is partially on her, but it always made me *really* not want to feel dependent on a man myself financially. Every woman has gotta chase what will make her happy though, I guess.

[–]CoolMelonadeRuthless Strategist[S] 12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Montpellier332 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]CoolMelonadeRuthless Strategist[S] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Montpellier332 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

If I don't plan on having sex after a drink or after 3 dates, why should that concern me?

I wish I lived in a world where women made as much money as men. I would rather make that money myself than have men pay. But the main reason I don't feel bad letting men pay for more than me (most of the time) is because I know we don't live in that world.

Paying for myself makes me feel powerful. To me it communicates "I can take care of myself, I don't need you, and you're gonna have to step up your game to show me what else you can bring to the table." Personally, I think a guy who insists on having to pay for everything on the first date is not someone to be trusted. But that's because I think the men who insist on traditions like that are more likely to believe in other traditional gender roles, even if they don't make it all obvious right from the start. And I don't care overly much for most traditional gender roles. I feel like a powerful woman who lives life on her own terms and expects a lot from her male partners. I feel good about my current relationship and the way we communicate and what we expect from each other or don't. I don't see how that's letting terrorists win.

[–]Lakersrock111Throwaway Account-1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Montpellier33-1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

If what you mean is that the guy is spending more money because he's buying alcohol and you're not, you can always just put down cash that approximately covers the amount you want to pay. A lot of people use venmo for this these days also. Or if it's someone I'm really vibing with and I know I want to keep seeing them, I might say something like "thanks for dinner, dessert is on me" or "thanks for dinner, next one is on me" or whatever feels appropriate to you. If it's a guy I've gotten to the point of spending the night with, maybe I let him buy dinners but I make breakfasts. The point is just that I prefer dating and relationships where the power dynamic reflects some give and take in a way that feels sustainable, while I focus my efforts on judging all their other important qualities. Because I have plenty of standards/checkboxes I'm looking for them to meet. The sooner you make a guy feel comfortable to be himself instead of thinking he has to put on a front to win you over, the sooner he'll show you who he really is.

[–]Lakersrock111Throwaway Account0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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