I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months. I took over a year off from dating/relationships after my last serious involvement ended (he was a narc and I had a lot of healing and work on myself that needed doing), and this new guy is the first person I’ve gotten this deep with. I’ve been watching his feet, listening to him, and vetting, vetting, vetting.

Things were looking pretty promising until about a week ago, when his mask started slipping. He disrespected my time for the first time last Sunday; he dropped out of communication while we were in the middle of firming up plans for that evening, and didn’t confirm where we were going to rendezvous. The time we’d discussed rolls around, and he texts me saying he’s ready for me to come over. I responded that I wasn’t planning on getting together anymore because he didn’t respond when I asked him where we were meeting— I told him in no uncertain terms that what he did was not ok, it was hurtful and disrespectful, and that I would like him to not do it again. He initially got (mildly) defensive, but then reached out the next day to apologize. I charitably thought, ok, maybe it was a one-off (he’s always been good about making and keeping plans up until this point), maybe I just needed to clearly communicate that boundary and now he’ll respect it. We’ll see.

Well, last night he did it again. We’d planned to meet up at 730, and at 721 he texts me and says he’s just sitting down to eat, so “730 will be tough.” I was on my way to the place. I just replied, “ok, turning around and going home.” He said he didn’t realize we were meeting at the place, blah blah blah. No apology. Then he has the audacity to ask me what “plan B” is. I said, “plan B is I go to this meeting [I’m in recovery], get something to eat, and then do whatever I feel like doing after that.” He replied, “ok, have a great night.”

🙄

So… I did! I went to my meeting, felt spiritually connected to my community/ my “tribe”, then I went and got some food with this awesome new woman I recently met and have been getting to know. We had an amazing conversation and really connected. I think we are going to be friends. 😊

This morning I woke up feeling grateful that dude fucked up our plans, because it opened me up to an opportunity to continue to develop my connections to my spiritual community and to other women. I woke up thinking about things my new friend said last night, excited about what we can add to one another’s lives.

This is a sea change. The old Pickme me would have made a plan B with the guy (would probably have made the Plan A as well), and would have missed out on everything else life had to offer because of being hyper-focused on a random guy I’ve known for two months who “has potential”. The turbulent/struggling Pickme-in-recovery that I was a year ago would probably have enforced the boundary, but would have gone home and cried/ felt sorry for herself/ ruminated endlessly about “where do I go from here? I really do like this guy, he’s got so many good qualities/checks so many boxes, I’ve already invested so much time and emotional/mental energy in him…” and still would have missed out on what life/the universe was offering me.

Bottom line, I don’t need a flaky, tepid, wishy washy motherfucker in my life. If I did choose to stay involved with him after the shit he’s pulled, I’d be opening myself up to a world of hurt and disappointment. Worst case scenario, he could end up completely derailing my life and I could lose myself entirely, the way I’ve done in previous relationships. But even “best case” scenario, I’d be allowing him to distract me from what is actually important and vital in my life… to stall out on my path of spiritual growth and personal development. And I can’t abide that. Not anymore.

It’s taken years of painful lessons, years of working on myself, and 14 months of intentional singleness/celibacy (after finding FDS) to get to the point where I can finally begin to authentically operate on FDS principles. And I’m definitely far from perfect when it comes to implementation of FDS. I made some missteps and misjudgments with this guy, but I can see clearly what they were looking back in the immediate aftermath of the involvement ending. Sometimes I just have to have my own experience doing the wrong things, so that I can learn how and why to do the right things. And that’s ok! I can easily get back on my path, back where I need to be, because I cut things off before I hitched my wagon to this man.

So if you’re new/newish to FDS and are struggling, take heart! Knowing what you “should” do when it comes to men/relationships and actually being able to do what you need to do in an authentic/skillful way are two different things. And it takes time and practice to get from “head-level” comprehension to “heart-level” understanding. I’m pleased as punch to be leveling up, and proud as fuck to be growing into an actual queen 👑