I’m going through a phase where I start to have pickme dreams about my ex, where I tried everything I could to get him back. This has been the 3rd night in a row and it’s embarrassing to remember. In the dreams either I would try to meet him and convince him to come back or I would try to sleep with him, fully knowing he was with somebody else.

I wake up feeling sad and painful and I don’t like it.

My previous stage was anger; after the mental fog caused by traumas was lifted and I realized my self-worth, I was really angry at him for what he did to me. And before this stage? I was crying a lot, I don’t know what to call that stage but I felt a lot of pain and vulnerability. This was 6 months ago immediately after I left him.

Now? I don’t know… I’m just sad.

I know he’s terrible to me —10 years of neglect and abuse (he’s a covert narc and a porn addict who has left some pretty permanent mark on my personality and self-esteem) and I would never go back. Despite knowing this, I have urges to contact him during the day. However I resist and I don’t do it, and I guess that’s why I have those dreams?

My day is pretty much normal outside of those urges. I study, plan for my career, read FDS, eat, take care of myself, do some cleaning, shopping etc. Recently I also deleted my OLD accounts and closed off my social media accounts temporarily, but I’m not lonely because I still have online friends and my sister.

And those dreams caught me by surprise but I guess this is what the pickme culture I grew up with has got me into. Despite the humongous amount of therapy and self reflection and reading and practicing FDS and deprogramming myself, I still have fantasies where I am so de-valued such as those dreams I had. As if on some level, I STILL believe that it's okay to do that to myself, to go back for "love" despite all the dehumanizing hurt he has caused.

If you're going through this, kudos to you for staying strong and not giving into those urges!! Also I would love to hear from your experiences if you have gone through this phase. I don't have a solution for this yet but I'm hoping the urges will go away eventually.