Who was he before he met me? - Pornsick, overweight, unmotivated, unemployed, trapped in what I called a Proust room before the pandemic (he not only was depressed but sick all the time. It might as well have been cork lined).

Who am I? I am objectively beautiful, and that’s not an exaggeration. Yes, I have a dark past - I was a drug addict married to another drug addict 3 years ago for ~9 years - but even in my darkest days I was incredibly successful. I bought and owned a house (where I was the only one on the mortgage) and worked my way up in a job where there wasn’t much room for improvement. I was the breadwinner in my junkie home. Even in those dark days I worked my hardest to make sure my life was always moving forward.

And now I’m in the best days of my life. I have an amazing apartment, an adoring cat, an even better job, and the best of all that I could have (if I have an issue now I just throw money at it). I’ve been sober for ~those 3 years.

He wanted to move in. We were in a LDR for 1.5 years. And I said YES…with terms.

You can’t watch porn. I will not be with someone who derives pleasure from other people’s trauma. I will not be with someone who sees women as objects. He said he couldn’t do it.

He chose porn over me: a beautiful, intelligent, gorgeous woman.

Financially I am employed and he isn’t. He was considering moving in with his parents. I have a lease that I wanted to add him onto. He has 2 roommates he hated.

Before I dumped him, I sent him cupcakes for helping me move: “CITY is less bright without you. Thank you for making moving so much more fun.” It’s not the first time I sent him something to show I loved him. And how many gifts do you think I’ve received? I’ve done nothing but improve his life. I’m warmer than the glow of his computer screen.

But porn is more important. And I am OFFENDED. I am a fucking gorgeous woman. I am an EMPLOYED woman. I am an AMBITIOUS woman. I’ve come so far. I deserve more. And I deserve a partner (bi) who will give me more. What kind of entitled shit thinks that I don’t have options? I’m embarrassed that I settled for him. Porn sick. Limp dick.

I am so glad I found FDS in October. I started reading post after post and the handbook and I realized I was missing something in my relationship. Thank you so much, Queens. Without you I wouldn’t have realized how my talents and beauty and femininity were wasted. Without you I wouldn’t have had STANDARDS,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Onwards and upwards. THANK YOU

Edit: I want to add that I'm angry. I'm fucking angry. Is that unladylike? Who fucking cares. I am angry that I spent so much time giving this man my love and my effort. For about half of our relationship (the half before I knew about FDS) I gave more than I got. And I just thought that was what I deserved. Fuck that. I'm not anyone's therapist or maid or mom. I gave so much. I deserved more in that relationship. And i'm so glad it's done.