Help a sister out

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-21T14:34:34+00:00

Let's just start with the fact that he's telling you how things are going to go with your pregnancy, your body, your job and your children. He's not asking or conferring or curious about your views and desires. He's telling you. Just the fact that without speaking to you ever he just said that he always thought it would be a certain way like he's the king.

This isn't the guy for you. I can't believe he thinks you should go back to work 6 months after giving birth to a child. Shows how little he knows either about babies or about recovery from pregnancy. I would ask him how is he going to physically and emotionally support you when he wants to shove you back to work at 6 months.

I also can't believe he would just conscript his parents like that for every day all day child care. That means his mother. He seems to have no issue deciding what women are going to do with their time. It's reasonable to ask for a retired parent's help raising your child maybe a couple days a week (most want to) but not just assume that they'll be there all day everyday like that's why his mother is retired.

It sounds like he has zero understanding of the amount of exhausting work it takes to raise a child, and especially, care for a new baby.

And then on top of all of this he got mad at you? Hell no.

Plants_haveprotein · 2020-07-21T14:50:49+00:00

Even if you end up agreeing that you’ll be a stay at home Mom, he will resent you for it. I also have a feeling he will NOT help you with childcare. This should already be enough. Also the fucking audacity to assume his parents would want that. I know many Grandparents who want to live the rest of their lives in peace and quiet, occasionally seeing the grandkids. Two years isn’t that long, you can find someone else easily who wants that traditional dynamic. Why settle for this? GET OUT NOW!

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-07-21T16:58:59+00:00

These are some of the things that spoke to me that were concerns:

You are at the 2 year mark and are using "living in a fairly expensive town after college" as justification (or implying) why engagement has been delayed on his end. This assumption is not the reality-- you are disreading into his behavior and making excuses for his delay but not seeing if he is actually taking steps to make that a reality towards engagement other than talking about hypothetical scenarios that are years beyond the time-frame you two should be working towards in the here are now. I find a hypothetical disagreement about a scenario that will (potentially) impact your partnership years and years into the future a distraction on what is happening currently in your relationship on the day-to-day reality of your partnership.
You also gave the example of how you perceived him as (seemingly) a HVM based on 1 time where he saved for a necklace you mentioned in passing and buying it for you. This example showcases how when he wants to do something on his own accord, he is able to budget and prioritize (hearing your input/desires/feedback) and take action in making you happy when he wants to. With this said, it seems like you subconsciously brought up this point out of an unconscious resentment that he has not taken the steps to discuss engagement timeline or other areas that are currently impacting your partnership by nit picking over an unrelated hypothetical issue to deflect what is really happening. I would encourage you to be honest with yourself and observe actions for what they are but do not assign context/assumptions associated with the behaviors your parter is presenting to you.
The other item is that your partner is assuming that he will make the major decisions in your relationship and if he expects you to work while raising children, he is expecting you to do the majority (if not 80-90%) of the financial, household, and child-rearing duties in addition to the day-to-day stress of being alive. This is concerning because...
- He is implying that his perspective, values, and input in making decisions as a partnership should take priority over your contributions/feedback. This indicates he does not see you as an equal and will resist or react defensively if you expect/demand him to either increase his contributes or it will grow into butthurt NVM mistreatment/resentment because you are refusing to be his unpaid mommy sex maid baby maker machine therapist. Also, WTF would he even bring you at this point other than sperm? It's hard enough to raise a child with a mediocre man, let alone one who explicit demands that you do pretty much 90% of the parenting duties because he wants to justify 50% of your paycheck so he can live lavishly and fully rested on your time, energy, and contributions. No thank you.
- He is using his behavior and upbringing as justification for why he is deciding to mistreat you as a partner and expect you to give more into the relationship if you want to stay long term with him than he will with you. He is making it clear he deserves to do less in the relationship if you want to marry him and he is not changing. He is telling you this. Do not read into the excuses and try to think you can "teach" this man how to treat you as an equal. He knows that is what most women expect, but he thinks his shitty excuse with poor upbringing old parent BS sob story will rope you in and the sunk cost fallacy you invested with him will make you feel compelled to "make it work" in your relationship with him. He knows this which is why he has the audacity to suggest this to you. He thinks you will adhere to this and is stating (by future faking) that WhEn YoU hAvE KiDs iN tHe FuTuRe hE wIlL eXpEcT yOu tO wOrK 40+ HoUrS a WeEk bEcAuSe I hAd aN oLd DaDdy & mOmMy & I aM aFrAiD tO lIvE pAyChEcK 2 pAyChEcK sO ImA eXpEcT U 2 aLsO dO 2Nd sHiFt aS fUlL tImE mOmMy bC dAyCaRe iS eXpEnSiVe sInCe iT tAkEs aWaY fRoM OuUuUuR MoNeY 2gEtHeR
You also mentioned that he has "clear golas of what he wants to do" and is "smart" but that doesn't change the fact that money is tight and he is stagnant now. Don't fall in love with potential. You are not Bob-the-Builder and should not be his stepping stone forever GF. He is who he is in this moment, and right now he does not seem like he is taking the steps to get ready. If he was, you wouldn't keep mentioning finances and talking about hypothetical, you would be taking active steps instead of conversing for hours. Don't let conversational topics fool you into thinking he is serious. Read and refresh on the FDS guidebook.

thepastamancer · 2020-07-21T17:30:40+00:00

Why would he assume that his wishes alone would dictate how you would manage childcare as a couple???? He just assumed things would be the way he wanted them to without ever discussing it with you?? Fuck that noise.

redbirdflies · 2020-07-21T15:25:19+00:00

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for my ex husband who was supportive when I decided I didn’t want to go back to work after having our first child. There was not a chance that I wanted to leave my sweet baby with someone else to care for him. I didn’t even realize it until after he was born, but I was meant to be the one to raise my child, not his grandparents, or some daycare center. Although I don’t judge any mother who has to or wants to go back to work, it wasn’t the right choice for me.

My ex had lots of other problems that I couldn’t get past, but being a supportive provider and a good father wasn’t one of them

Choose a partner carefully. The future of your children depends upon it.

Relevant-Giraffe7200 · 2020-07-21T16:17:41+00:00

I am confused. What do you want? As I see there are below choices.

Work and maintain same standard of living.
Stay at home and downgrade your SoL
Stay at home and maintain same SoL by pushing him to work harder.
Break Up with him and find someone who can provide better.

Do you see any other option? What do *you* want? What makes *you* happy?

OrthodoxSquirrel · 2020-07-21T14:49:10+00:00

If he really was HVM, then this would have never happened. Sometimes it just takes time for LVM to show their true selves.

Title	Help a sister out
Author	throw122321
Upvotes	9
Comments	23
Date	July 21, 2020 9:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hv4gxe/help_a_sister_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help-a-sister-out.715397 https://theredarchive.com/post/715397

Comments