Help! Is he HV?

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-08-03T20:58:44+00:00

He sounds controlling, and you should seriously be spending your time fixing up your career instead of picking up his socks. This is how you end up married with five kids, no savings and stuck with a dictator husband who uses you as a bang maid. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being a stay at home mom and having no career unless I have a serious fall back plan (house in my name, money stocked aside etc). I worry that you’re so young and inexperienced, you don’t know what you’re missing. Even if you’re dating more than one guy, your age you’re still kind of figuring out what you want.

staywiththecrown · 2020-08-03T21:19:48+00:00

Just like his career matters to him, your career should matter, too. He may not be resentful now, but if you have a few kids and ask about money, he'll eventually pull the old "I make the money, so what I say goes!" point for everything. You don't want to be like a mouse in your home and be afraid to rock the boat. If you're having these doubts now, listen to them. Men use money to control their partners, whether he's handsome or not. You need to guarantee your future as well.

beautysubthroww · 2020-08-03T22:10:12+00:00

To be quite frank I think become a mother without an education or career to fall back on is stupid as fuck. Don't get me wrong I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM (and there's a good chance I will take a few years off to raise my kids when I have them too). But a woman should at the very least finish her college education before doing this (and in reality should also have a few years of job experience). That way on the off chance something happens--her SO dies, or divorces, or loses his job--she'll have something to fall back on. Also the whole "prime age of fertility" thing is a myth. Women can have babies well into their 30s, and I personally don't know anyone who had kids before their late 20s.

I'm not going to tell you to break up with your fiance. However the fact that he's already being controlling about finances and gender roles is a huge red flag. Your situation sounds exactly like a precursor to being financially abused.

I think you should bring up the fact that you want to finish college and have a career before trying for kids. If he is supportive of this and you're able to come to a compromise then I think you'll be ok. But if he doesn't budge then you should seriously reconsider legally tying yourself to a man who doesn't support your dreams.

eveninghope · 2020-08-03T21:50:38+00:00

So I don't know what you should do, but my parents relationship is like yours. As a woman who grew up in a household where my mom is basically my dad's (who outsiders would consider HV) mother and maid. Witnessing how their relationship functions made me never want to be in anything similar.

K80L80 · 2020-08-03T22:18:56+00:00

Id think long and hard about how much you'll be doing around the house with a bunch of kids. He doesn't do anything now? Don't ever expect him to either.

Only way I'd accept that situation is if he paid me, weekly and additional per child. You shouldn't have to ask for money when your workload will be a million times harder, because you will be the maid, the cook, the baby sitter, the secretary, the accounts recievables manager, the therapist, the Uber.

He sounds high value, but it also could just be manipulation untill you pop his kids out and are trapped. Always have savings.

heythere360 · 2020-08-03T20:52:59+00:00

First things first. No one knows if a man who is HV in his youth will be HV when he’s older. As men gain wealth and opportunities, their amount of interest in them goes up for both men and women. So if this guy has a history of being really good at blocking temptation, then that’s a point in his direction.

Beware if he’s the kind of guy who might fall for someone else despite “still loving you and the kids.” You’re about to live a life totally at his mercy. Only things you will have in your pocket are alimony hopefully and child support. But being a single divorced mother of three can be a nightmare. My mom was one and let me tell, those ex husbands start dating immediately. Now your children have to meet a new potential step mommy every week and if he has visitation which he will, there’s nothing you can do about it.

HOWEVER. I don’t mean to be doomsday. So here’s my advice. If he seems FAITHFUL and willing to work through problems, that’s a good sign.

BUT. Please do not marry him if you’re not 100% ready to jump into the stay at home mom wife. If you are not working, you fall into the old time wife category. Most of our mothers were cleaning up after their men and cooking 100% of the time whether or not they worked. This traditional man will not change.

Also, please don’t marry him and spring on him that you want to work after the wedding or after the first kid. Well of course you can, but this will cause a huge disruption and men can’t handle change well.

Being a stay at home mom is what he values. He will always be at risk of getting a big head with his success, but I honestly believe if he values family structure, he values all of it including being the head of the house hold and bringing home the bacon.

He has a lot of responsibility on his back and it’s your job to make sure he’s holding up his end of the bargain which is to be a loving present and responsibly husband and father. Yes he will Learn to pick up after himself and have basic decency but I think you should understand that he won’t take well to it if you turn around and are not the Classic stay at home mom he wants as a wife.

2020-08-04T03:57:12+00:00

You're thinking about this in a very bizarre way.

You need to make life decisions based on how things align with your OWN wants and needs. Not if you can morph happily to fit someone elses.
Compatibility is when both partners authentically complement each other in a way that adds more value combined than apart. You can't fake that. It either exists or it doesn't.

You're 23. Do you know anyone who is 46? Imagine being their age and having a kid who is your age now. How does that feel?

You need a counsellor. Get someone who has a background in coaching psychology if possible. You meet with them and say that you've just become engaged and need to really define your goals now so you can set the right boundaries.
They will step you through career, independence, travel, hobbies. They will help you better define who you actually are and who you want to be.

Then you need pre-marital counselling. That's where an expert guides the conversation for each of you to shock the other with "holy shit, I had no idea you thought/expected THAT?!".

Maybe you realise you want to be the worlds best underwater accordian player. Ok, that's a goal that's important to you. Can HE meet you in the middle to make that work without losing his own goals. That could be comprimising on when you'd start trying for kids, how many hours of domestic assistance he'll arrange and pay for each week (e.g. a nanny while you are at university or studying). These are big conversations that have to happen before you legally and biologically commit.

If you feel uncomfortable bringing any of this up with him, then that's a huge red flag.
If you're worried that you'll say the wrong thing and scare him off or upset him, then that's a huge red flag.
If you're worried he'll realise you're not the girl he wants to marry because you suddenly have goals, then that's the biggest and reddest flag possible.

If you can't communicate and work together to solve big picture problems then you won't survive in marriage anyway.

This probably feels overwhelming and urgent, but it's not. You're not in any real hurry. Get a counsellor, and work through it all with them. If the first three counsellors aren't a good fit, then get a fourth. It's a bit like dating in that you sometimes have to kiss a few frogs before finding a good match.

plembb · 2020-08-03T23:00:49+00:00

I had the opportunity to get married when I was your age and I am very very happy I didn’t do it. I’ll be 28 next week and I love who I have become, and I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had gotten married at 22. I’d probably be a stay at home mom with 3 kids cleaning up after my much older husband and living in the rural US south, rather than a marketing manager living alone in a downtown condo in the city of my dreams who is now creating her own business.

My advice, delay the wedding as long as possible. Enrol in university and begin working your ass off to achieve your own dreams. You don’t need his permission to do this, just do it. You will be able to see after about a year of doing this whether he becomes resentful or not. Then you can proceed with either dumping or marrying. But please do not waste these years, these are the years you should be working on yourself and making your own dreams come true, not supporting someone else’s dreams.

burpleseaurchin · 2020-08-04T04:48:06+00:00

From your comments it sounds like you're leaning towards staying with him, so with that in mind... What I'd do at this point is do my best to look at angles that may have been missed. For example, what's his family like? Is his mom a stay at home mom? How much respect does he have for her and what she does? Has he ever made comments on another couple's lifestyle decisions? Etc

BackgroundPlankton8 · 2020-08-03T20:42:38+00:00

I say talk to him. If you want a career, then tell him you are going to have a career. And since you will have a career, you won’t be making dinner 100% of the time. And since you’re going to help with the bills (if that’s what you want), then you will also have a say in what is done with the money. His word is not final.

It’s great that he wants to lead. That’s awesome. But that does not mean he gets to take away your autonomy and tell you what to do with your life.

I say talk to him about your goals (having a career etc) and if it’s a non-negotiable for him, then unfortunately it won’t work for you.

NessaMonsta17 · 2020-08-03T23:10:55+00:00

I think you guys are in alignment on many things but you are not ready. He has achieved his goals quite quickly and u feel left behind. You also shouldn't have baby's so soon, big family dreams or not. You aren't ready. And he has final say over everything.. You probably don't feel all that equal to him. I think you need to tell him to slow down. 24 years old, is still getting a taste of the water. He has some shit together but he still needs to understand that your hopes and dreams matter too. And that's the issue. It's his way or the high way. He is good to you but it's coming at a cost. And u are probably tired Of his dominant and controlling behavior. Maybe it was cute but now it's tiring. So speak up, you have a mouth. And figure out what you need to be happy before having babies, before getting married! Maybe being a stay at home mom sounds nice on paper but you probably don't want that. Or maybe not right now. And all his pressure is making you feel like running.

I say talk to him. Tell him what you don't like and what you do. Tell him you feel this is happening to fast and you want time to catch up, to get to your career and hopes and dreams.

Hunny you need to stand up for yourself and if he loves you he will respect you. If he cares more about his family goals, then it will go in one ear out the other. After all you will be the one burden with the home making and pregnancy weight. Soooo I'd suggest you put your foot down while u can.

Hhjjuuy · 2020-08-04T10:21:58+00:00

Why do you not have a college education? Do you want one? Does he have one?

If he has enough money to support a small family surely he has enough to support you through college over the next few years before having any children. You are absolutely not at peak fertility if you aren't even sure you want babies right now.

yourealibra · 2020-08-04T11:42:15+00:00

Sounds like being with him is decreasing your own value.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-08-04T19:35:23+00:00

Get financially independent as fast as you can and do not have babies until you are married. You can have babies until you’re 50. There really isn’t a “prime” time.

Just enjoy your life and tell him no on the babies until you have your dream wedding.

Make him earn it.

2020-08-05T05:19:47+00:00

honestly, none of this sounds good. i think you know already where this is headed.

it sounds like he's greasing you up to be his slave and incubator. i grew up with a SAHM and a controlling father like this, he worked in finance. it was hell, to say the least. all i wanted as a child growing up was a mom who had a job because all the other moms had jobs and were happy and nicer than she was.

having children now will lead you down the path of future mental and financial instability and objectification. investing in your education and career will help the children you choose to have down the road when you're older. just because some people struggle at 35 to get pregnant doesn't mean everyone does.

2020-08-15T13:55:40+00:00

Why can’t you have children later and a career now? If you left him you would have a career and children later because you would have to find someone new. If you don’t have a say in having a career and when you have children that is up to you to stay. He seems great in a lot of other ways. But if you want to give up control of your decisions that is a choice. Why can’t you say no or have a say? I don’t think that makes him LV necessarily as i know nothing about the situation but he is certainly not the kind of man we would describe as HV if you have no voice.

2020-08-15T14:04:31+00:00

Okay so if I was you I would not marry him until he agrees to wait to have children at the age you want to have them at and to do whatever you want with your career. There is no logical reason you need to pick between college/career and marrying him if this is a healthy relationship. You can be a stay at home mom later but still have an education. There is no reason he should not be okay with that. That’s unhealthy. See how he reacts to your boundary. If he is angry or shows any aggression then you should not marry him because you will have no voice and could very likely be abused or cheated on or left with nothing in 20 years. Basically you need to assert your boundary as many times / days as necessary to get your Firm boundary across and make sure he agrees without aggression. No aggression at all!! And honestly I’m actually slightly concerned based on your post that you have been raised to be very docile and put him above you. This is not HV qualities for you to have. I am like that so no judgments or anything just not HV

Title	Help! Is he HV?
Author	Patient-Passenger-18
Upvotes	8
Comments	20
Date	August 3, 2020 7:18 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i33ilz/help_is_he_hv/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help-is-he-hv.724211 https://theredarchive.com/post/724211

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