I get bored when a man shows actual interest

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-06-23T18:29:17+00:00

I used to be attracted to men that breadcrummbed me and I had to "win" their validation. I was told this was "chemistry" by pickmeishas and poor relationship role models but after the continuous cycle of heartbreak continued, I realized something within me needed to change.

I did therapy for awhile. What I learned was that I was recovering from emotional neglect in my upbringing so I was seeking validation from people who mirrored my upbringing and did not have healthy emotional intelligence because that was all I knew.

I knew I needed to do the inner work, become vulnerable, and increase my emotional intelligence so I would become HV. When you are a HV person, you can recognize the patterns and warning signs earlier to avoid LV people.

I recommend reading Brene Brown books or some other FDS readings. Or even co-dependency Anon online to get started. Therapy is a wonderful start! You owe it to yourself to be fully honest and present with your therapist to really maximize your investment and time there.

Unhealed childhood trauma can manifest itself fixing others, people pleasing, co-dependency, external validation needed, fear of abandonment, de-prioritizing own needs, need to prove ourselves, tolerating abusive/neglectful behavior, and difficulty setting boundaries.

When I first started allowing myself to be open to men that were showing interest, consistency, and reaching out to me--I had to tear apart my past triggers and limiting beliefs. Why did I feel like I didn't deserve a partner that valued my time? Why was it hard to allow a man to take the lead in showing they are interested in me? Why does it feel uncomfortable allowing a man to shower me with (appropriate/healthy levels) of attention, effort, and showing their interest?

It was because I never experienced it before in a healthy way and felt "undeserving" of a healthy amount of attention because I did not feel valued or loved fully from others growing up. It was hard to change my mindset and allow vulnerability to be seen as a protective quality for self-preservation rather than weakness. But the more you practice and engage in healthy vulnerability, the easier it becomes and the more you believe (truly) that you are deserving of the same attention/love you give others freely. You need to begin with you and go from there.

Good luck!!! :)

Howslap · 2020-06-23T18:25:31+00:00

I used to be like this, I felt like I was abnormal to be honest. So I pushed myself to be more vulnerable. Unfortunately I opened up way too much, way too fast and to the wrong person to boot. Now I know that it's healthy to be somewhat wary and to have boundaries in place. People should earn your love over time. Keep seeking therapy and dating casually, I would advise against casual sex so that you don't continue the habit of separating sex and romantic love. Don't be too hard on yourself, at least you are working on yourself and being introspective. Keep up the great work queen!

_Atalanta_ · 2020-06-23T21:15:15+00:00

Yes, desperation is never attractive. I feel it is also our female conditioning to look for a Mr Darcy type, or buy into the beauty and the beast myth..

I have experienced what you are describing and I think it is an attitude thing that we can work to change.

Have you read 'Getting to I Do' by Pat Allen? Title sounds douchey but actually she recommends a very different mindset for women, to really expect to receive and to have confidence that you deserve very good treatment. It is quite a big shift if you don't think this way, but opened my eyes to what I should really be looking for/expecting from a (healthy) partner.

It is a long journey I think to fully shift to believing this, but I think it leads to being attracted to people who really care and treat you well.

FuckinGandalfManWoah · 2020-06-23T22:06:33+00:00

Everyone deserves a therapist. You may have some sort of attachment disorder, as the top post suggested, but the only person who can tell you and help you with it is a therapist!

throwawayitst · 2020-06-23T17:30:03+00:00

Theres a difference bw interest and aligning of interests and being needy /clingy/ low self worth/ low value of his time / overall lack of ambition/ being a doorat/ lovebombing. No self respecting guy will do the latter

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-06-24T00:38:02+00:00

Here, here, here... you doin it right if you are bored. Listen, a high value man will pursue- but... he won’t lovebomb or suffocate you. If you are getting a lot of attention, weed em out and wait. The most patient guys pursue and want to keep you interested but aren’t trying to secure you by incessant messaging. Be patient and wait for the HVMs to rise to the occasion ❤️

2020-06-23T18:00:53+00:00

Maybe you just don't want that energy in your life right now, and that's okay. There's no rule that you have to be entertaining the idea of love and commitment at any given time in your life.

Is that something you want to look for but this is just a mental block? Or could you take it or leave it right now?

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