I went two steps backwards tonight. After a few months of not being on LinkedIn, I went back on just to change my profile picture and see what I’ve been missing. I see my ex’s profile pic and all of a sudden, I start getting anxiety. When I’m anxious, my mind goes 800mph and that’s when my thinker part goes onto overdrive. I then find out that he started a new job so I then search up on the company and the job. I then find a job profile of him stating his employment. I found out that he’s had two jobs in one year so far.

What triggered me even more was that his phone number changed. He had reached out to me back in May asking to catch up but I denied and he’s been blocked since then. I don’t know his full new number so I guess that’s why I’m triggered right now (the website only showed the last four digits). He probably remembered my number and has me blocked. I also found myself comparing myself to him: he’s employed, while I’m getting my first masters. I haven’t worked since 2018 (I’m 24 right now) as school was seriously my only job. I double majored in stem and psych and am currently doing a masters in stem right now. So clearly, academics have been my whole “job”.

I hate my anxiety so much… I hate how I compare myself to him, how it makes me search up anything and everything. I’m so anxious that I’m shaking right now. It’s been a year and a few months since I broke up with him and I still get triggered over anything having to do with him. I want to go back to therapy but it’s so expensive. I feel like I jumped two steps back. I’m so disappointed in myself.