Let's spread some hope and remember there ARE HVM out there! :)

Madholley · 2020-12-17T17:25:28+00:00

My friend and her husband- HVW and HVM- go to therapy together, make decisions as a couple, communicate openly about their feelings, share in responsibilities, and love each other so much. He is a HVM all the time. He is thoughtful and kind. He and I had a disagreement about something at dinner one night when I was at their house and he was calm, respectful, and listened to me...but still disagreed. I was amazed and realized most men in my life get ugly when I disagree with them or vice versa. She is a HVW all the time- takes care of herself, is an excellent friend, is ambitious and intelligent and hilarious. They admit that their relationship is work but that it’s work they enjoy doing. They prioritize each other. I love them and being around them has helped me learn a lot about healthy relationships.

gingerwabisabi · 2020-12-17T19:04:56+00:00

My husband:

Goes to therapy every week due to bad childhood and wanting to keep his head on straight.

Has great emotional intelligence to the point that if he hears me sigh he can correctly ask what I'm happy about or worried about or what frustrating thing I saw.

Very generous, is sad this year because he had to order Christmas presents online instead of going on an all day "trek" to find the perfect gifts around town.

Gives me massages all the time, like automatically if I'm in reach he will be rubbing some part of me. This is AWESOME as I have chronic autoimmune issues that give some pain/discomfort on a low level basis. He has rubbed my back WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP before.

Works hard consistently on self improvement.

Cooks for himself (has his own preferences, I prefer to cook my own food for myself due to said illnesses).

Does his share of chores without being asked, will run errands when I ask (sometimes complains in a joking way but still does them quickly).

Makes and keeps his own doctor appointments, does most of his family relationship maintenance (gifts, meetups) himself.

Loves most of my family, encourages me not to let the problem members treat me badly.

Listens to me talk about feminist issues and then spreads the word to his friends, like re: the recent pornhub developments. He was extremely horrified to hear Rse Kalemba's story.

Has a hard time watching violence on TV unless it's cartoon violence.

Have never once heard or seen him say anything like "suck my dick" to anyone, which is amazing as it's such a common insult guys use.

Has told me from the beginning that he is a feminist ally, but cannot be a feminist. I didn't used to see what a green flag that was.

Is a male Anne of Green Gables in personality. Has listened to Anne of Green Gables on audiobook with me. Has listened/read to others of my most favorite stories. Well read in general.

Does not hold a grudge if told no about something.

Is nice about it when I need to change something.

Has changed things instantly and permanently when I've asked him.

Likes bringing little treats home from the store for me as a surprise.

Has never been a financial burden.

Has a night time ritual with me (he cannot force himself to sleep as early as I need to) that he occasionally sighs and pretends is an inconvenient interruption - but on one rare occasion that I fell asleep before he came in, he WOKE ME UP because "he needed to put me to bed so that I could sleep" AWWWWW.

Supports my extremely ambitious self, although sometimes he gets confused by my intricate plans and somewhat incoherent babble about them (I'm better on paper).

Early in dating he got very sick (whole other story, was life threatening) and there were several occasions when we had a date planned and he would call to tell me his friend was taking him to ER because he was vomiting and could stand, and he was really worried every time about having to cancel. I could NOT believe that, really. SOOO... gentlemanly?

He's not perfect. He has mental issues, including ADHD that causes him a lot of concentration problems, and has had multiple serious medical problems in the time we've been together. But he eats right and goes to all his doctor appointments. He's gotten much healthier since we've been together and his grey hair even went away entirely, which I did not know was a thing.

Me?

Far from perfect -

Getting close to 40.

Unfortunately still fat, though I keep working on it.

Clumsy to the point where I have frequently elbowed him in the face when turning over in bed - and usually have a bruise somewhere on my body that I don't remember getting.

Direct and sometimes insensitive in my talk (no malicious intent, though).

Various baggage from childhood that I've worked extremely hard on.

Specialized dietary needs that are a pain and a half.

etc.

Hopefully this is encouraging!

thinkingaboutfrogs · 2020-12-17T20:02:32+00:00

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just a bit over a year so I’m still vetting but so far I believe he’s a HVM.

Some examples:

He’s incredibly supportive of my career. Recently my phd advisor invited me to spend a few months at an institute in a different country to do research, and my boyfriend was immediately supportive and reassuring. I was honestly overwhelmed by how incredible it feels to be supported when making decisions like this rather than being asked to sacrifice career opportunities for a relationship. Also, he never once asked me for nudes while I was away, which was a green flag.

Also, just yesterday, he surprised me with something he had been working on: he took my personal webpage (which was very basic in html with a few aesthetic choices) and completely upgraded it. He didn’t change any of the information and kept the general aesthetics but now it looks much more polished and has some additional features. He’s sent me the files so I can adjust them to my liking and make the changes to my actual webpage. He’s not a web developer or anything, he just spent his time learning the skills so he could do this for me. He told me “nothing makes learning a new skill easier than turning it into a project for the person you’re ecstatic about”

I have so many other examples, but I think really it all just adds up in the little things (like preheating the passenger seat in his car every time before I get in because he knows I like it warm, getting small birthday gifts for my best friends, making and bringing me breakfast while I’m working in the mornings, carrying both his surfboard and mine up the endless stairs from the beach, etc). Even a LVM can do grand gestures once in a while but only a HVM can consistently show value.

I think it’s also important to note how he treats other people. A little while after we first started dating, a homeless person recognized him outside a grocery store, and I found out it was because my bf had previously gone to the store with him and bought him food that he wanted. Another time, we were working together at a coffee shop and an old man came up to him and thanked him for helping him the night before when he had fallen. It honestly seemed unbelievable to me to see so many people acknowledging my boyfriend for his previous acts of kindness, and he only told me about them after I heard them acknowledged by other people.

masterofthebarkarts · 2020-12-17T18:47:43+00:00

I've bragged about my husband before, but I really do think he's a HVM.

He took care of my sick grandfather when I was out of the country (before we were even engaged). He encouraged me to go to therapy because he knows I have some toxic baggage in my past and wants me to overcome it for my own happiness. He asks what he can do to support me and then does it.

He once said to me, when I was apologizing for being needy, "You can never be a burden to me because you are always my #1 priority". And he really does try to live that every day.

FirePreferred · 2020-12-17T20:50:18+00:00

I've been so grossed out by men lately, thank you for reminding me to focus on the positive things and change my mindset. If I focus too much on LVM I will never get rid off them :D

KittenyCat5 · 2020-12-17T18:33:21+00:00

I think Stephen Colbert is a HVM. I watch clips of his monologue on youtube and it is so sweet to see the way he treats his colleagues and interviewees. I also love that now he is filming from home we can here his wife's giggles/laughs in the background and it is so nice to see how he smiles everytime one of his jokes makes her laugh. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jXCS9sQNut0

Misswinter69 · 2020-12-17T21:02:28+00:00

Only been under 6 months so still in potential stage but he is doing good so far....

we didn't have sex for over 3 months he never once pressured me, never had wandering hands, never pouted, huffed or even brought it up again after the first time I mentioned wanting to wait.

*He is never crass or smutty, never makes pathetic sex jokes or immature innuendos. He doesn't have any bizarre fetishes. For example we were watching a documentary and unprompted he expressed how he finds it so hard to understand things such as bdsm, he said he cannot imagine getting pleasure out of hurting someone you are meant to love. He gave the example of him thinking it would being near impossible to have or maintain an erection during the process of hurting me.

He has similiar principles and values to me. A best friend of his had an affair and the morning after he gave the friend chance to come clean, he didn't so then my bf told the relevent gf the truth. He doesn't believe in 'the bro code' he also made it clear blue balls are a myth and wanted me to know I can stop anything at anytime for whatever reason with no guilt or worry on my end.

*this parts nsfw but the bedroom is incredible. He gets off on making happy, every single time he spends the first 30-40 minutes purely on me, constant massages, foreplay, multiple orgasms on my end before we even get to him. During sex at times he will check in to make sure its all good. Prior to initiating any foreplay he always asks if its ok. I'm not talking about a shy unsure guy needing constant reasurence before he touches me, I'm talking a sexy grown man making it clear what he is going to do before we do it and checking we are on the same page 😏

he's so supportive of my career, him and my mum are my number one cheerleaders. He always encourages me and gives me pep talks when needed but equally makes it very clear that if I decided to pack it all in ans follow my heart in a different job he would support that fully to. He is motivated and dedicated to his career path and is constantly having innovative ideas and putting steps into motion for these to become a reality.
Hes a farmer so works long ass hours yet actively makes time during the day to stay in touch and makes spaces in his schedule to see me. He let's me know he is thinking of me and that he misses me etc. I don't think I have once made contact first, he is always there making plans (he does get up 2 hours before me 😜) He schedules our time with plenty of notice he knows I have other important people in my life to see and he wants to make sure he gets a spot in my diary.
He constantly remembers small details of conversations and uses them.. That film I mentioned wanting to see as the trailer came on tv he will take me too a week later, turns up with my fresh favourite flowers each week, Brings my favourite snacks, cooks my favourite meals, makes me playlists of songs I've mentioned, going out for tea and he's already booked my favourite restaurant, he noticed my scented candle was nearly out and turned up with my favourite brand and scent. All of these are impressive but what is more impressive is he never makes a big deal of his actions, its never a case of I've done xyz so you should put out etc he simply enjoys doing it purely as it makes him happy that I am happy which is so wholesome.
he enjoys cooking for us, but if I cook he stays in the kitchen and helps out. he will do some prep unprompted, he will clean up bits as I am cooking etc whilst chatting about my day and keeping my drink topped up.
He cares for his family and close friends, he is committed and supportive. He will do just about anything for someone in need and never blinks twice about going that extra mile. His parents are getting on and he has just picked up the slack around the farm without issue. He is practical and level headed, he has a quiet sense of calm and order and just gets on with things. He doesn't need to be told to do something he is aware of his environment, notices something and acts upon it.
however the most important point and the only person I have ever felt this way with despite several other long term relationships... Is that from day 1 everything has felt clear and easy. I have never had any doubts, anxieties nor any worries about his intentions. Whilst I followed the fds handbook and kept my wits about me. Everything has just fitted, everything has just felt right, his words and actions match. He continues to demonstrate his worth and show that he is aware of mine. ❤️

FirePreferred · 2020-12-17T17:32:14+00:00

My grandfather waited a year to date after my grandma passed. Him and his gf have now been together for 9 years. They do not want to merge lives or marry at their age (80s).

During May (height of covid too), and with diabetic nerve pain, he drove her 3000 miles to her house in her car. Then he flew back home. My whole family was worried about him traveling but he treats her very well and didn’t want her to drive alone. He risked his life for her. Calls her all throughout every day. He was also amazing to my grandma throughout their 47 year marriage.

Great men are out there.

Aocwannabe · 2020-12-17T21:07:52+00:00

❤️ this thread! (I’m wary of toxic positivity and new age gaslighting like “The Secret”). AND you are correct we need reminders!😘

galvanicreaction · 2020-12-17T19:17:04+00:00

I really like how you made the effort to switch to a positive VP without selling yourself short. What a positive approach!

Title	Let's spread some hope and remember there ARE HVM out there! :)
Author	FirePreferred
Upvotes	74
Comments	24
Date	December 16, 2020 8:50 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kehn11/lets_spread_some_hope_and_remember_there_are_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/lets-spread-some-hope-and-remember-there-are-hvm.478981 https://theredarchive.com/post/478981

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