We met online. He was nice, polite, somewhat reserved, but easy to talk to and we had some similar interests. On our first date, we met for dinner, and I remember thinking that he was very handsome, tall, dark haired and quiet, and with a confident, graceful walk. We ended up staying at a little pavilion playing Pokemon go (it was big at the time) until quite late, laughing and talking. Things went well at first, I quickly met his brother and future sister in law, and he met a few of my friends as well. It took him many dates to muster the courage for our first kiss, and I was so excited to be having the legendary "taking it slow" experience, which supposedly meant that things would last.

At around 3 months I was smitten and I told him I was developing feelings for him. He told me that he didn't develop feelings that quickly and I was emotionally moving faster than him. I clearly remember wondering if that was a red flag, and then deciding it was me that had been moving too fast (typical pick-me thinking). It stung, but I disengaged some for a little while and things seemed to smooth out. Eventually we did get to a place where we said the "I love you's" and about a year in, his brother got married and we set a soft date to get married, about two years after that. I thought that I had finally found my person and found a great relationship-we barely fought, we got along great, shared interests etc.

There were little tiffs, but things I thought we worked out, or things I could overlook. Never wanting to talk on the phone... He would actually answer all my calls with a loud "SIGH Hello". He was stingy. He never really talked to my friends. A close friend of his had a crush on him and treated me like crap. He talked to her about it a few times in private, but never stood up for me when it was happening. He eventually cut her off. A little disagreement here and there, nothing major. And his mom was abusive, manipulative, and just plain mean, but he told me not to talk badly about her, something I complied with.

We moved in together eventually, near the year and a half mark. I really had to nag for this. By this time I had realized his mother was absolutely a narcissist and so mean that everyone except him had cut her off, and he "felt bad" doing the same so he allowed her to manipulate him endlessly. He was living in her house, paying the mortgage, and didn't want to deal with telling her he was moving out.

I graduated with my masters degree and got a huge promotion. I got "us" a puppy, though it was really for him because I saw how badly he missed his mom's dogs. I was giving him money for my engagement ring (I know, I know. I'd agreed to pay half bc I knew how stingy he was). We were even talking about how obsessed he'd be with our kids and I'd occasionally Google mixed race kids and imagine how cute they'd be.

Then, the very next night after one of these conversations about our future kids, I got home from work and he had packed up his things and moved everything out.

He said he felt like he didn't have a voice in the relationship and that I only cared about what I wanted, and he felt pressured into everything, and never spoke up out of fear of disappointing me. I was absolutely devastated because I really had not seen any of that coming. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not that person, and other than not having feelings as quickly as I had, he had never talked to me about any negative feelings or things he didn't want. He listed all of these instances where I had hurt his feelings, and he had made some subtle comment or acted a little off instead of talking to me about it, but felt like I obviously should've known what he was feeling and thinking... all of these roundabout conclusions he came to using all these weird assumptions and mental subtext.

My biggest concern was, he's depressed and he's going to kill himself. I was so worried about him, because I really loved this man, deeply. I made him start seeing a therapist and start taking antidepressants. We went through periods of no contact, periods of trying to be friends, and periods where I'd let him spend time with the puppy. We were separated for 6 months before his therapist finally convinced him he had jumped the gun with the breakup and that he didn't communicate enough.

We tried to work things out. But everything was a shitshow unraveling. I found out the shit his mother had said about me. I realized the time we spent together was just... being together, no actual bonding. I didn't know him any better than I did before, and the relationship was still very lopsided. I cooked, doted, reassured, gave affection, packed lunches, and tried so hard to understand and forgive, while he showed up and watched TV, and held on to all his resentment. There was no emotional intimacy. We barely had sex, he turned me down all the time. We went to couples counseling, which ended up being even more of a nightmare. She tried to teach him how to spend quality time with me, which was an absolute failure. The therapist pretty quickly and clearly took his side, and basically tried to tell me to be grateful that I had a man (to which I responded, honey you know me better than that). He dumped me after about 4 months of trying to make things work again, when we had another fight about me feeling like my needs were not being met.

We were together for almost 3 years, including the 6 month separation. It was absolutely traumatic to go from thinking I'd be engaged any day, to bawling my eyes out and alone within the course of a single day. But by the time we had the second breakup, I was ready for it to be over. I realized over time that there were definitely red flags throughout the course of our relationship.

Starting from the beginning, the first was the unwillingness to open up emotionally. We were exclusive, sure, but he'd say things like "I don't get feelings as fast as you," or "it takes me a long time to open up but when I do, you'll know". Then there was the inability to stand up for himself against his mother, and always being at her beck and call. If he couldn't do that, how could he have healthy boundaries within a relationship? He'd spend the whole weekend doing other things, his hobby for one whole day and then on the other weekend day, out of town doing unpaid labor for his mom.

I came to realize that he never really showed any real interest in me. He never asked about my day, never had deep conversations with me, or really wanted to bond with me. Seeing me happy didn't really make him happy. He never set aside time to be with me, always just scraps. He'd never talk on the phone with me. I was so open with him that I never realized he wasn't trying to know me, and he wasn't opening up back. I didn't know his dreams, fears, passions. He wasn't generous, affectionate, thoughtful. He actively barred me from his few hobbies by saying I wouldn't take them seriously enough. Everything was my fault in one way or another. I was a bully. I was manipulative and selfish. I couldn't handle disappointment. All things I believed for a hot minute while I was at my lowest.

I found FDS shortly after meeting my now boyfriend (a little over 6 months ago). The content here has helped me be more confident and secure in myself, and be just fine with being alone, which in turn makes me ok with dumping someone showing me red flags. It's helped me shed my pick-me ways, and keep a discerning eye on my boyfriend's behavior.

A mod encouraged me to share my story, and hopefully comments can help pick out and elucidate the red flags so this story can serve as a cautionary tale to help other ladies to avoid falling in love with an emotionally unavailable, emotionally broken, and manipulative man.

PS, I still have the puppy and she is the absolute light of my life. You can check my post history for a picture of her.