In my years of amassing relationship/situationship wisdom, I have become fluent in the tricky language of scrote. Here are profile translations for those still unsure that OLD is a viable option. These will help to clarify the scrote codes of OLD:

  1. Scrote: “I’ve sowed my oats and paid my price. Now I’m fully ready for a relationship “

Translation:”I’ve ran through girls, women and, maybe even a few men, leaving destruction and disease in my wake. My dick doesn’t work anymore so, now I’m ready to settle for you”

  1. Scrote: “I don’t play games. I see what I want and I go after it”

Translation: I’ve tired of spinning multiple plates and I now have nothing of value to offer. I will wear you down with empty promises and bullshit. If you resist, it is advisable to have 911 on speed dial and a phone location tracker”

  1. Scrote: “I am extremely witty and sarcastic“

Translation: I am an asshole of epic proportions. I will seek out every opportunity to demean, belittle and denigrate you, and every other human being, that falls unluckily in my line of sight. I will then proceed to gaslight and evade any responsibility for the emotional carnage I leave behind”

  1. Scrote: “I’m rough around the edges, quick to fight the good fight”

Translation: “Woe to you, O gentle maiden, for I will curse and abuse you in every manner possible. I will stop at nothing to force my opinion, and will, on you at all cost. I will be unmatched in my quest to drag any hint of resistance from you, to hell”

  1. Scrote: “I say my prayers before going to bed. I have a strong spiritual bond”

Translation: “I make sure to worship the devil each and every night. He is my leader and I, his faithful servant”

  1. Scrote: “I have a very specific type that I’m drawn to on a vibrational level”

Translation: See #5-“My leader, the devil, shows me exactly how to spot naive, vulnerable and pickme women to abuse with reckless abandon. I prefer my victims to be unwitting and/or willing participants in their own destruction”

  1. Scrote: “I am old school”

Translation: “Your only purpose is to lay on your back, stay on your knees or live in the kitchen. Any opposition to these will be struck down (literally) with my fist of fury. Know your place, bangmaid!

  1. Scrote: “I am only attracted to women who can relate to the storms in life”

Translation: “I am only interested in women who are accustomed to being mentally, emotionally and physically abused. I want a woman that will accept all of the horrible ways that I will grind her low self-esteem to absolute dust. I will never provide shelter or respite from said storms. I will only create them”

  1. Scrote: “I hate pretentious women”

Translation: “I hate women with self-esteem, senses of self-worth, values, morals and standards”

  1. Scrote: “I want to meet my lifelong companion”

Translation: “I want to enslave you to a sub-par existence filled with abuse, loneliness, extra duties that do not benefit you, and gaslighting. You, servant. Me, Kang”

*These were actually taken from real men’s profiles from various OLD sites. The accompanying pictures were equally cringe-worthy. Don’t let the tricky language of scrote get in the way of sifting through the douchebaggery. This will be your guide, Fair Maidens.