Reaching out to make amends for former pick-me ways

Platipus6 · 2022-02-01T22:28:57+00:00

I'd love a true apology from the people who were harmful. Except they give fauxpologies and self-serving ramblings, pity parties and expectations of forgiveness to make them feel better.

A real apology has several parts.

Admit what you did without excuses or justifications - don't say you were in a bad place or didn't know.

Acknowledge the harm you caused them - don't ever mention your feelings.

Sincerely apologize for your actions.

Show contrition or remorse for your actions, not regret at the outcome or consequences, or sadness for yourself.

There are 2 other recommended parts - vow to never do it again, and offer to make reparations, which I don't think would be required if you're never going to see them again, and sounds like a way to squirm in, or wedges the door open for forgiveness which seems slimy here for a 1-way apology and leaving people alone. The 2 final parts would be for an ongoing relationship for someone who has unintentionally harmed another by being truly innocent, it doesn't fly for abusers.

Don't use the word "just" or "if" it's minimizing and sounds weak.

Don't go on about any growth or epiphanies, they probably don't care. Being used as someone's redemption arc and thanked for it is a gross feeling.

eg Hey there, I want to apologize for the <shitty things I did and said (be specific)>. I understand I caused you to feel <betrayed? used? ignored? replaceable> and for that I am truly sorry.

not_a_paper_pusher · 2022-02-01T22:33:35+00:00

There are several women from my past that I would love to receive an apology from, I’m not sure I’ll ever get it but I’d appreciate it.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-02-01T21:54:49+00:00

As someone who has had grimy pick me friends in the past- yes that would be lovely!

Although it would help if you were more specific about what went down?

ElyonVonTiri · 2022-02-02T00:36:10+00:00

Not experience, but real time. Your post just gave me the confidence boost I needed to apologize, something I’ve been wanting to do for yours. Over a decade ago in an old friend group, one of the girls broke up with one of the guys. And I went out of line asking her if she would stay (probably because he asked me to ask her). But later on it made me sick to think about things I said to her. He was a classic narc and started being emotionally abusive to her. They were LDR and she had moved states to be with him. He didn’t want to work or to go back to school for his GED, and she wanted to move forward with her life. It didn’t help that I was being manipulated in my own relationship and not knowing I was, so I was blind to any signs. I wanted to apologize a long time ago, but I didn’t think I deserved to contact her. I don’t know if she will ever open that message, but it’s there now. Looking back, she was so far ahead in terms of confidence and knowing what she had to do. He didn’t deserve 1 second of her time. I don’t think it’s ever too late if it comes from the heart. All they can do is reject it. And it will give you some peace of mind because it sounds like it’s been haunting you for a long time. And might continue to. But the final choice is yours.

Edit: She replied. It went pretty good. Thank you!

spaghettiforhair · 2022-02-02T01:29:09+00:00

I have experience from both sides. I dated a guy who was cheating on his previous gf at the beginning of my relationship with him. She and I were both pick-mes and took it out on each other and not him. After about a year after they broke up and I was still with him, she reached out to me for a couple of reasons. She wanted to apologize, but she was also very worried about me because she had come to realize that he had been very emotionally abusive to her. She was very sincere and sweet, and I wish I had gotten out of my pick-me mindset and listened to her. I stayed with him and the abuse escalated to physical. I took him back even after he sent me to the hospital I was so brainwashed (and afraid of what he would do to me if I rejected him). After I finally got out of there, I reached out to her to her to apologize for a lot of things. Now she's one of my best friends. I'm not saying you'll be best friends with these people if you apologize, whether or not they forgive you is entirely up to them, this is just my personal experience that ended positively for everyone except our asshole ex.

TENTITS · 2022-02-02T00:02:37+00:00

I have done this.

There was one particularly wonderful girl at an old job that I always got frustrated with because she had very strong boundaries about what she was willing do since she wasn't paid well and people always thought of dumping weird tasks onto her since she was the only member of a catch-all kind of department. I used to be a disgusting pickme at work to impress my all-male c-suite management. It makes me want to hurl thinking about it, because I saw them treat her like shit a few times she became a meme and I also bullied her the same way.

Before Christmas I sent her a lengthy text message apologizing sincerely for the way I treated her those years. I told her how much I appreciated her strong boundaries now that I have come to recognize what they were and apologized. I told her that I think of her as an exemplary woman now.

I left it at that and didn't want to push it any further with some type of olive branch and an invitation to hang out because if I were in her shoes I would hate my guts. But she was the better person and sincerely accepted the apology, she thanked me for it, shared that the grief I caused was a topic of conversation with her therapist for a while and it made her feel really betrayed as a woman to be subjected to my assholery as woman too.

We continued to chat for a bit. I made sure not to shift blame onto "the person I used to be" or as a response to my own trauma etc, it would dissociate me/my behaviour from my actions. I did that shit to her, I was responsible, I was apologizing.

Anyways we shared some lengthy messages and updates on our pets. She invited me to a show she was doing (she had a theatre hobby). I couldn't go but I made sure to have flowers delivered to her before the show.

We're not bffs now or anything but we are in each other's network of acquaintances and I think it was a win for good karma and feminism for everyone.

One thing I would do differently if I could is keep tears out of it. Once we got chatting I did tear up a bit and at that point I should have stopped messaging to compose myself. She was also tearing up so it was a heartfelt moment but not too dramatic, no regrets.

Title	Reaching out to make amends for former pick-me ways
Author	lusigusi
Upvotes	120
Comments	14
Date	February 1, 2022 9:19 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/si5xjb/reaching_out_to_make_amends_for_former_pickme_ways/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reaching-out-to-make-amends-for-former-pick-me.1100277 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100277

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