Sometimes, I worry that I'm defined by what other people tell me to be, not because it's what I want.

callmeobii · 2020-04-16T16:15:45+00:00

You are not a bad woman! Not being feminine doesn't make you less of a woman. You are a woman. Rejecting other's femininity or thinking you are "different" because you are a nerd is pickme. But I believe as long as you are accepting of yourself and others, you should embrace your nerdy side!

persephones_torch · 2020-04-16T16:26:08+00:00

As long as you accept yourself, and accept the way other women are if they do decide to dress up, it's all good.

You are being true to yourself, there is nothing 'bad' about that. Quite the opposite actually! If you are happy with the way everything is for you, I wouldn't change a thing.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-04-16T17:22:10+00:00

Another non-feminine nerd here. I’ve learned that you need to be yourself first and foremost. I too used to wonder if my casual unfemininity made me less desirable and so I’d try to be more feminine. Honestly sometimes I felt like I was wearing a costume. I do like to dress up here and there but I am most comfortable in casual wear, no makeup, no bra. Plain Jane is my middle name.

Will it make your dating pool smaller? Sure. I figure if a guy really digs the hyper-feminine aesthetic, then he’s not for me and I don’t want him. I just think about how exhausting and inauthentic that would feel, being with someone like that. I’d be unhappy and he’d be unhappy. My husband doesn’t give a shit if I wear dresses, makeup, if I shave or not. He’s all over me like white on rice regardless.

Kindly_Strain · 2020-04-16T17:09:30+00:00

I'm a big nerd, not particularly feminine and my field is also male-dominated (as well as my friends). Sexual trauma caused me to hide my body and try to attract the least attention possible and also I became a pickme as a result of social awkwardness and emotional manipulation. I have been working on it: to me, style and femininity just mean wearing something that suits me and makes me feel sharp.bNot being a pickme means being confident in my abilities, not acting as more of a tomboy than I am to try and fit neatly into a category, and being clear with all the orbiters who clearly have a hidden agenda. You might be used to hanging out with the guys for work or networking reasons, but you still should stick up for yourself and reject toxic pickme "nerd girl" culture. The sad truth is, you know you might lose some friendships with the men that are trying to get into your pants, and you know which ones they are. Do not humor them, if they do not fear losing their friendship with you they don't value you. You standards might be slightly different to the ones listed here but all the other advice about being valued as a person still applies.

ReasonableSeaweed1 · 2020-04-16T21:29:36+00:00

What's unfeminine about playing video games? We aren't black or white. I like video games, makeup, pink frilly things, weight lifting. People are complex. And there's nothing unfeminine about liking Pokémon.. Sorry I just don't understand! Being a nerd doesn't mean you're not feminine? I love superheroes and video games. Women aren't shallow stereotypes. Do you think a feminine looking woman only cares about high heels and reality TV and can't possibly like video games too?

honeybeeroll · 2020-04-16T23:20:05+00:00

Ofc you're not a bad woman bc you don't like being "feminine"! Femininity DOES NOT equal womanhood. That would mean butch lesbians for ex aren't women and that's totally not the case, they obvs are. Sounds like you're being true to yourself, and are not conforming to any kind of societal pressure to be "feminine" and present yourself in a way you are not comfortable with.

Also, I am curious how you find the advice on here to be very feminine as in, wear makeup, dress feminine, etc? I think the message of FDS is to be 100%happy with your own life and not lonely for a man, set tough standards and boundaries, do NOT bend these for men, REALLY make sure you know who a man truly is before getting attached, and get rid of men who don't meet your standards or break your boundaries (even if it is hard for you to do so). No need to wear make up or dresses to do that!

sadcello · 2020-04-17T03:27:05+00:00

Femininity doesn't define a woman. You're not a bad woman just because you're not feminine. The reason you feel this way is because men and society push femininity on us. They make us feel like we have no worth if we're not beautiful or feminine. This is what feminists call male gaze, our worth is decided by their eyes.

Screw that. Find out what you like. Wear things for comfort, not for beauty or sexiness. Be healthy, it's okay if you don't care about being 'beautiful'. Find yourself, be yourself and love yourself.

jeerie · 2020-04-16T20:24:49+00:00

Hey you are absolutely not a bad woman!? Don't ever think that please!!! There is nothing like a "bad woman"- all woman are devine and super fucking fantastic ok?! Do you know who wants you to believe that your interests are wrong? The media and LVM. Because they make money off of it or think they get you in bed for making you insecure about the way you are.

You are beautiful, you are intelligent and you are special. And you are a woman. Embrace that in every way, shape or form you want to!

Because it's your life. Your womanhood. And your femininity. Whatever that means to you, it's 2020 heck, fuck those old ass gender roles that were given to us by the patriarchy.

You do you, and you're doing amazing sweetie.

Edit: I think women should support each other. We have enough enemies already and this competition culture is just one more way of the patriarchy to bring us down. We are all in this together and perfect the way we are.

everyoneisgorgeous · 2020-04-18T17:31:02+00:00

Honey no. Stuff like this doesn't make you any more or less of a women. Although its deeply engraved in our culture. It couldn't be further from the truth. Just look nice and presentable in whatever you wear. That's key. There's someone out there for everyone.

2020-04-16T20:07:31+00:00

Try journaling? You can even use a quick format of "what made me happy today? and what made me frustrated today?" You'll get to know yourself and your real wants, needs, and goals. Once you get in touch with your true self its so much easier to turn down men (and women) who are trying to sell you on something that doesn't actually benefit you much.

flandersmustash · 2020-04-17T07:34:51+00:00

I have very stereotypically male interests too! But this is society telling you these interests are male. But They are just interests. Society gendered them.

I was a massive tomboy too, and my dress sense is very androgynous as opposed to masculine or feminine but I sacrificed some time and taught myself some basic make up to enhance tthat side of me too. And I’m still not interested in it but I have a 5 minute routine which I’ve now perfected and look great because of it. The moment someone mentions eyeshadow I am turned all the way off lol.

Your interests and hobbies do not define you as a woman. Make sure you still do have close girlfriends. My majority of friends is still male but all my best and closest friends are women.

Don’t worry about what others think of you. Being comfortable in your own skin is what defines you as a woman. Your self esteem only comes from you and not what others perceive you to be. And that is what is truly attractive.

Title	Sometimes, I worry that I'm defined by what other people tell me to be, not because it's what I want.
Author	ReasonableSeaweed1
Upvotes	39
Comments	21
Date	April 16, 2020 3:58 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g2hlvc/sometimes_i_worry_that_im_defined_by_what_other/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sometimes-i-worry-that-im-defined-by-what-other.692679 https://theredarchive.com/post/692679

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