I've been doing online dating for a very long time since probably 2011 (on and off whenever I'm single). Before the arrival of Tinder, OLD was not as commonly used. Therefore, the pool of dating was bit smaller, but the options were better in terms of finding LTRs.

Since the arrival of the swiping apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc), I've been left wondering why I keep having the same experience with men that I thought had very high potential to be long term partners. It usually goes like this with guys that seem highly compatible before we meet:

  • Lots of bantering and flirtations before first date
  • The first date is always very fun
  • Quick follow-up for a second date
  • Quick follow-up for a third date (4th or 5th)
  • Drop off point around 2 months

I'm usually left feeling very confused and sometimes having a bruised ego considering that I thought I had potential with these men.

Then, I read this article about attachment types: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27665884/attachment-theory-dating/

Now, the title of this article could be better, but the insights are very useful.

A few of my favorite lines:

  • Avoidant attachers tend to end their relationships more quickly and cycle back into the dating pool.
  • Avoidants don’t date other avoidants, research has found, because they don’t have enough “emotional glue” keeping their relationships together; they are too independent for a relationship with each other.
  • So what does that mean? “When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size in the population—25 percent,” writes the Attached authors. “Not only are they recycled back into the dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least not for long).” In fact, they’re more likely to be calling up anxious attachers.
  • There’s just one problem: Avoidant and anxious types are often drawn to each other. Superficially speaking, they often seem to have the very thing the other wants. “The avoidant person doesn’t want to be controlled, so they might find someone who needs them appealing,” says Cohen. “The anxiously attached person needs to feel cared for and may not try to jockey for top position, which is viewed positively by the avoidant person.”

This article really spells out the state of OLD (and most likely meeting IRL dating). It really helped put into perspective what I should look out for when meeting someone for the first time. It also alleviates the "woe is me?" feeling after a stint ends with someone new from OLD. I just keep shaking it off until I find someone who is also a secure attachment. I hope you will find this article helpful as I did which leads me to my next point. Now that I am more secure with myself, I have evolved from being the anxious attachment type. I abide by this recommendation:

  • The lack of crazy emotion is good. Yes: It’s good if you obsess less about your partner. Levine suggests the acronym CARRP for those who tend to overanalyze and worry. “You need someone consistent, available, reliable, responsive, and predictable,” he says. “Don’t give up immediately if that person isn’t meeting your needs, but state them clearly early on: ‘Maybe we can find a way to be a little more in touch.’”