Venting - not about a LVM

Kindly_Strain · 2020-04-22T20:16:32+00:00

Therapy usually doesn't help because it's still about your problems. I used to be a real overachiever, but as you age you realise the system is set up for you to fail. What is it exactly that you want to achieve? What exactly does a "not mediocre" job give you and the world? Sometimes we just inherit a vague notion of what a perfect life should look like in order for us to be happy and it just won't. So just focus on being happy. I know this is banal, but I've let go of the competition years ago and am so much happier for it. Got (almost) rid of eating disorder among mental health issues and am doing better than ever.

SeaNegotiation8 · 2020-04-22T21:22:11+00:00

That sounds like a really harsh internal monologue you’re having. I’m no therapist, but maybe your self-talk could change a little?

Maybe you could tell yourself “She has a good job, and I’m happy for her, but I’m the kind of Queen that’s always seeking new ways of being successful cuz I’m ambitious as fuck.”

“She’s very pretty and that’s great, but I’m pretty damn cute, too. Plus, my sense of style is on point, and I look like a million bucks in a pair of heels.”

“She has a nice HVM - and she deserves him! I’m glad he’s around so I can take notes on the kind of qualities I’d like my future boyfriend to have.”

It’s hard to say these things to yourself without sounding forced and hokey, (especially if you’re super ambitious or competence by nature) but it gets easier with practice. Hope that helps?

May26th · 2020-04-22T21:56:39+00:00

That internal monologue telling yourself that you're never good enough? I'm willing to bet that's probably your parents voices.

You can be good and high achieving without having to use those around you as a measuring post for your success. Set your own measuring post - that will lead to true happiness. Comparison really is the third of joy. Particularly as there will always be someone thinner, smarter, richer etc. That's not a personal failing on your part - that's just life.

Using negative motivation like this only gets you to a certain point in "success" before it starts eroding your selfworth and effectiveness. It sounds to me that you are afraid that moving past this negative motivation will lead to you stopping dead in your tracks, you're actually more likely to make progress long-term by showing some kindness to yourself.

Lastly, there's a large, usually content, middle ground between being the "Uber best number one in the world" at something and "a massive loser." Most of us live happily in this space. It's a pretty good place to be.

Jay-quellen · 2020-04-23T00:21:08+00:00

This all sounds sooo very familiar. I say this with compassion: calm your tits and go back to therapy. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Also, I’ll second that your inner monologue sounds very severe - try to be kind to yourself.

Milobear27 · 2020-04-23T00:27:17+00:00

What type of therapy did you try? CBT? There’s a lot of exercises out there to stop negative thinking, but you do have to put in the work. Read feeling good by David Burns. I heard about it here and it’s very helpful.

radical__daphne · 2020-04-23T08:32:08+00:00

You really need to stop. You are going to destroy yourself envying other people. Work on your self-esteem. Take a break. Get out of your head. Stop these thoughts when they come up. You're hurting yourself. Things will go a lot easier when you let go a little bit.

Maybe try exploring these thoughts more deeply and honestly in a journal.

sophrosyne2189 · 2020-04-23T16:12:30+00:00

My suggestion for your situation: Get a piece of paper. Write down all your complaints in your career, dating, life, etc. in one page. Now arrange these complaints into two columns dividing them into things you can do something about and things you can't do something about (out of your hands). Be honest with yourself when you do this. Improving your looks is something you can work on; having an HV man find you and pursue you, not so much (well, you can do something but there's no promise of it turning out the way you want to, how people feel about us is something out of our control)

With the things in the first column (i.e. things you can do something about), think and plan of ways on how you can address them. Set goals. Edit to say: even with a plan, things may still not work out as you want to. That's okay. No one has it all 100% all the time. Your actions are something you can control, results some of the time are not.

With the things in the second column. Pray, relax, sit back, and meditate. These things are out of your hands and should not consume any of your mental energy for one moment more. That HV man your roommate has for a boyfriend, is totally out of your control no matter how much you get jealous of them. Sometimes, other people just get lucky. That does not make you any less of an attractive person compared to your roommate.

JeenyusJane · 2020-04-23T12:14:36+00:00

Really appreciate the honesty here!

featherflowers · 2020-04-23T16:21:41+00:00

Try neurofeedback therapy

Title	Venting - not about a LVM
Author	throwawayventingw
Upvotes	23
Comments	11
Date	April 22, 2020 6:01 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g65zk4/venting_not_about_a_lvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/venting-not-about-a-lvm.677779 https://theredarchive.com/post/677779

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