What happened when you started demanding better?

4herlight · 2020-05-17T11:05:50+00:00

I started demanding better, and that has resulted in... a completely dead dating life.

No one meets my standards. I feel sad and lonely sometimes, but I'm a lot less angry and hurt anymore, which I think was worse.

FreyaCatLife · 2020-05-17T11:46:22+00:00

38f here. After a breakup with a clown, I was lonely and it was hard. Really hard. I had to stop wanting those little breadcrumbs of someone -anyone- wanting me so I could say 'look! I AM desirable!' I thought I needed those to prove I was worthy or not worthless at least. I was so used to convincing myself that I really did love karate or call of duty or whatever it just took this guy to bring it out of me. I used to mold myself to what he wanted. But isnt that what you do? Compromise. Be nice. I wasn't like those other horrible women he had dated! I was cool. Sexy. Strong. Feel free to roll your eyes.

I didn't want those hoardes of people in my head everyone from my past pretty much reminding me of the ugly duckling I used to be. Not to mention I was a poor divorced mother of one whom Id had as a teen. ...and ptsd from years of abuse in my foster home. I had always been able to rely or pretend that someone out there had my back. That dude that texted at midnight, or the rando that wanted to meet in a carpark. Surely that might be something right? No. Obviously.

So. I decided to date myself.

I decided to shape my life around the radical idea that I wouldn't ever date again. No saviour on his white horse, no dude to 'complete me'. I have to admit I listened to every love song and wept about how that would never be me. I got so sad. For a while. Then I got up and started to plan.

I made a complete life plan and set to achieving it. It took me days. As in a full vision scrapbook. Which now has three volumes and a vision photo album where I put all of those I have done. I get the scrapbook page and cover it over with the next goal.

I have now hiked several continents and checked off so many of my dreams. Things I would have been envious of other women doing. I had to look at what was best for my life. What did I want?

After a while I did end up dating a dude I met on r and I was very honest and told him that I was taking things slow. I was super blunt. It has been the best relationship of my life. Hands down. He is so amazing.

But my list comes first. I'm not going to again wind myself around someone else's life. If it doesnt work out with this guy I will be sad but I have so much to do that I don't want to slow down. That sounds callous but I don't think it is.

Since I no longer seek the dopamine hits in that way, my brain has changed. I now can focus on 'boring' things like not avoiding finances (which I thought were for rich people) and now I have an emergency fund and are sleeping better. I am a better friend because I don't talk constantly about the dude who is currently taking up my head space and 'what (insert behaviour) means'. I overhauled my diet, made a list of everything I thought an educated person ought to know and started to learn.

Sadly, some of my friendships did not survive. That hurt so badly but since I could no longer contribute my part in hours of what some dude did (not in some smug way, I simply didnt have anything to share anymore) we ran out of commonalities and it faded out.

I no longer apologise for what I like or downplay myself. I don't start off sentences with 'this is going to sound stupid'. Yes the megamix central (on yt) Britney megamix is the best and at 15 minutes it is a banger. I don't care if some dude doesn't like it.

I am happy. Really happy.

My son says this is the happiest he has ever seen me and he is calm, happy and loving.

My posture is so much better. I look great. I feel great. It's not all sunshine and roses but it is comfort.

Worth it.

(But you might have to go through some super hard emotional stuff first which you won't want too).

__kamikaze__ · 2020-05-17T16:16:05+00:00

It’s lonelier.... but I’m actually happier.

When I look back at old messages it’s crazy to see how many LVM were talking to me with the hopes that something would happen when I just wanted to be friends. And no, these were not FWB or hookups (never done any of that).

In terms of the guys I actually liked they were blatant fuckboys. I talked to them with the hopes of developing a relationship, while they gave shit responses with the intent of getting into my pants. Fast forward to today and they’re all doing poorly—gained weight and have dead end jobs. It’s crazy to think that if I actually got what I wanted I’d be screwed today.

Meccha_me_2 · 2020-05-17T19:41:42+00:00

I don’t demand better so much as I just expect it.

As a result I’ve found that I reject a lot of guys after date one or two.

If he’s stressing me out or making me feel uncertain, he has to go. I really don’t care to ask them to change, it’s just time to move on.

I agree with others, I date less, but I don’t get lonely because my life is more peaceful without men.

xButFirstCoffeex · 2020-05-17T20:49:54+00:00

I demanded to be treated better and he left me high and dry. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

comet2004 · 2020-05-18T01:57:01+00:00

Just less time wasted. I still find HVM to be rare but in between I'm not texting scores or wasting time.

cirrus_cloud · 2020-05-18T05:59:12+00:00

The fuckboys run away from me like the plague. It’s the best thing ever!

NotYourBizThrowAway · 2020-05-22T23:06:08+00:00

He broke up with me 4 days later. Good riddance prick. Reminds me of the quote “If having a conversation about expectations, standards or communication with your partner ends your relationship then it wasn’t that strong to begin with.”

TradcatAlice · 2020-05-17T12:54:19+00:00

I started talking to a guy a couple weeks back and I asked him to get me a designer purse next month and he agreed. Btw: have not given him sex, kisses, or affection. I make my boundaries clear and he listens.

Idrc if I date him or not but I do appreciate the free gifts.

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