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denverkris
[–]AyemHerselfFDS Disciple138 points139 points140 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Giving him a safe word told him he could ignore her no.
I'm not blaming her, far from it. This is why the whole concept of a safe word is bull. She was obviously miserable and it made things more exciting for him. The kind of man who needs a safe word to fuck you isn't the kind of man you want to fuck.
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 66 points67 points68 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is why the whole concept of a safe word is bull.
Never thought of it that way before.
The kind of man who needs a safe word to fuck you isn't the kind of man you want to fuck.
Again, never thought of it that way before (also never been in that kind of situation, not my thing), so thank you for educating me on this perspective.
[–]Recommend_me_movies19 points20 points21 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is so true!! Even when I was very young and just learning about sex it was very hard for to me grasp the idea of safe words - I mean, that would mean that you can say no, cry, beg for it to stop and the other person keeps going because you didnt say pomegranate??? I can't wrap my head around how anyone can still be turned on after "no" is said
[–]thisismygcaccountFDS Newbie233 points234 points235 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
We're at the point where women are asking if it's okay to be upset about being raped.
Fuck this planet.
[–]genben55FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yup.
[–]GiveEmWhipslashFDS Newbie83 points84 points85 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I'm so sorry to OP. I was reared by a survivor of domestic violence and was taught my boundaries were not important. My parent never sought any sort of mental health counseling. I've been in a similar situation.
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I am so sorry for you :(.
[–]GiveEmWhipslashFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you. I am doing better, day by day :-)
[–]notbasic4karenFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same here..I have spent years trying to learn what boundaries are and how to establish them.
[–]christmasforoutlawsFDS Newbie109 points110 points111 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
She is not the problem. The problem is the society she lives in. For every post of a woman asking if she's an asshole for expressing boundaries or for being upset because she's raped or because she's being mistreated and gaslit, I ask you to swallow your incredulity and disgust and remember that she is vulnerable. This is not the time to look down on her. This is the time where she needs feminism most of all.
[–]wedonthavetobeishtarFDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well said!
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
But how, how do we help these women? ffs, this stuff makes me insane.
[–]christmasforoutlawsFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
By giving her knowledge and resources. She may legitimately not know what's happening is abuse and rape. I don't know anything about the rest of the world, what American society has this idea that rape is only committed by strangers in dark alleyways. If there's no overt violence used, it's not rape. Same thing for abuse. American society acts like it's only abuse if he's hitting you (and even then you maaaaaaaybe deserved it a little bit).
You can start by telling her she's not the asshole. That she is perfectly sane and well within her rights to be upset. You can explain that the experience in question is rape and what is happening to her is abuse. You can show her the power and control wheel, a tool created by the national abuse hotline to help victims see what's happening to them by laying out the patterns in front of them.
You could explain that not all abusers act the same way and that it's possible to never be hit or physically harmed and still be abused. You could link her to a free PDF of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? You can link her to Lundy's website where he details his credentials and offers up more reading material.
You can encourage her that she is strong enough to leave. Remind her that she doesn't have to put up with mistreatment and her life will improve dramatically. Tell her that her shitty, abusive partner is not a reflection on herself and that she doesn't deserve what's happening. That the society she lives in that's broken, not her perceptions, not her emotions, not her righteous anger.
[–]jenny_babe22 points23 points24 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Women are socialized to be agreeable to men’s needs and desires. Everyone has their own experiences that factor into this. Don’t belittle women who don’t understand how to stick up for themselves, build them up and encourage them to see their own value and use their voice.
[–]PearsPearsPearsbabyFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
This type of behaviour (not listening when you said no more sex) is why I feel I have a fear of having sex again. It's been years since I had sex but when I do think about it a lot of fear occurs. I decided I didn't want to live like this forever and want a therapist in the future. But ladies the biggest red flag guys give before (it could) lead up to rape is always stepping boundaries and never respecting them. I didn't realize this until much later after the relationship how much he disrespect my personal space and boundaries I take it as a big red flag when a guy does it. I love how some people trying to spin it giving people tips to avoid rape is victim blaming smh. If I knew this tip before I 100% wouldn't had got rape because I would ghost and dump his ass instead of letting it get out of control.
[–]genben55FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Honestly same.
[–]PearsPearsPearsbabyFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Yup there so many men who have problem where they keep touching you when you make it clear you do not want to be touched period! and they do it anyway. Just assholes like this lead up to me not having male friends period. I have some that I trust but I never want more, you can't trust who isn't a rapist or who is a rapist. It boils my blood now when men pull this shit because get the fuck off me! now I refuse to forgive any man who does this behaviour, it's just not forgivable and they pretend they don't know what they are doing. They do because you never fucking see them touch men without consent but they do it to women! it makes me sick.
[–]PrettyAlienFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Perfect. Doing everything you can to protect yourself doesn't mean you are 100% safe, but it will make you safer than if you don't do anything. I feel like too many women operate on a fairness, who is to blame logic, who should do something logic. While many men will behave in a who has more power logic. And that can lead to some bad, undesired outcomes.
[–]PearsPearsPearsbabyFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
THIS! this is a big problem women have we don't want to just assume every man a rapist because "that's not right" but guess what? you don't know who a rapist until they rape you or they giving you rapist vibes. I know a few women who got raped because they were alone with the rapist and that gave the guy opportunity to rape them, they didn't see it coming or they gave "consent" but they feel disgusting with the situation afterwards.
This is why nowadays I don't see the issue to assume every guy is a possible rapist until proven otherwise. Society also doesn't want people to know statistically you more likely to get rape by men you know. My rapist was my ex, I am highly suspicious of men now especially men I know. I love how I saw on facebook from someone I knew from high school, she post up a picture that says "funny how we all know women who been raped but for some reason many of us don't know any male rapists". I was "Yes we need to drag more people about this" (not exact worded but the gist of the post) in my head. I rather be a bitch and be safe than be nice and traumatized like I was years ago.
[–]PsychologicalVisit0Pickmeisha™️32 points33 points34 points 6 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
I’m sorry I’m new here but this post feels like it’s shaming a rape victim
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]PsychologicalVisit0Pickmeisha™️7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m sorry that you’re a survivor, I’m a survivor as well. I personally feel like putting the blame on the victim to not be raped is to divert blame from the perpetrator. I also feel like any advice that was given from a therapist, was specific to you and your situation.
By saying there is “something wrong with the victim” implies that she was in control of this rape. I didn’t realize I was raped until a therapist told me, and we shouldn’t condemn her if she’s trying to find out if that’s what this is herself.
I get the point of this post is supposed to be empowering, but this wasn’t an appropriate post to use for the way the poster wanted to empower imo
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I could probably have titled it better. I'm really not meaning to shame her, but I see how it can be taken that way, but the point is that she was doing something she wasn't enjoying, and then kept doing it for several more hours instead of stopping. I mean feck, i'm married but I will tell my hubs in a fecking second that he'd better stop if something is causing me pain. I just want to see women realizing and understanding their power, and to stop putting up with this bs.
[–]wedonthavetobeishtarFDS Newbie27 points28 points29 points 6 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
This response still sounds like victim-blaming to me. I’m glad that you have healthy, strong boundaries and a healthy communication pattern with your husband where you don’t fear physical or emotional retribution for speaking your mind, but as someone who has absolutely been in an emotionally abusive relationship chock full of sexual coercion I can tell you that it’s not that simple. Oh, and I had healthy boundaries and an idyllic childhood with parents who adored me and showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. He just systematically wore me down and broke them until I thought I was in the wrong. I can’t imagine what it would have been like for me if I hadn’t had that strong relationship with my parents and healthy childhood as my baseline. I’d probably be in the exact same position this woman was in.
You’re directing your frustration towards the wrong person. It’s not women’s fault for not “owning their power” and “putting up with bs.” It’s abusive men’s fault for taking women’s power away and making them feel trapped.
I know the whole FDS philosophy is about stoic acceptance of what we can and can’t change and healthy boundary-setting, but there is a big difference between blocking a dude for not paying and being afraid to speak up when your man is RAPING you because he’s been steadily wearing down your self-esteem, isolating you from your support system, possibly hurting you physically, and definitely abusing you emotionally and sexually.
I guarantee there is a reason this woman is automatically blaming herself for her rape and it doesn’t have to do with any fault that she has, it has to do with how he and other men have treated her. We should empathize with her and help her, not criticize her.
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
We should empathize with her and help her, not criticize her.
You are right. I was in an abusive situation myself with my same sex partner (prior to my husband) and the person I'm most mad at for allowing me to get into that situation is myself. So i may be projecting here. Thank you.
Oh, and I had healthy boundaries and an idyllic childhood
I absolutely did not have those things. I often wonder what if, but ya. I will reconsider my perspective, thank you.
[–]wedonthavetobeishtarFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. It’s not your fault in any way. ❤️ I’m glad you’re no longer with that person.
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Me too, but thank you for the very well thought out response. I enjoy dialogue that makes me think. I'm glad you got out as well :D. What I want to know is how do we get to women, girls, etc, before they get into these situations.
[–]wedonthavetobeishtarFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you. I really admire that your first thought is how to protect others. I’m not sure what the solution is. One thing I think my parents did not teach me was that there are awful people out there. They always saw the best in everyone, and so did I. I’m more cynical now. If I ever have a daughter, I plan on teaching her to assume the worst with her romantic partners until they prove themselves. To have fun, but keep her distance at first. But I’m not sure that she’ll listen to me. :)
[–]kwalden2Pickmeisha™️13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
When the victim becomes a rape sympathizer, there is something to be called out regardless of victim status.
I’ve been here a bit longer and I agree.
[–]cloeedFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And that’s on living in a society where women are told to endure the BS and suffer through rather than calling out the abusers for what they are... Really hope that the recent movements such as #metoo will make women realize it is their right to say no and that men are not entitled to our bodies!
[–]xosunnybunnFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Trauma
[–]jetpatchAt-Risk Pick Me Youth16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I was like this without any trauma.
I really don't think it's helpful to assume there's only a subset of damaged women at risk from this mindset when actually we all are.
My nan said her whole life that the moment a man hit her she'd be out the door in an instant yet when my grandfather hit her for the first time, in their 70's, she stayed, laughed it off. A couple of weeks later he tried to rape her.
You don't know what you would actually do until you are in that situation.
Mostly women will always try to look for reasons to forgive or blame themselves. This is the standard because women themselves aren't predatory so don't really understand the mindset. It's not a minority or trauma related problem. It's a being a nice person problem.
[–]xosunnybunnFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Our society is traumatizing
[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm sure. Do any of us make it to adulthood without it?
[+][deleted] 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]denverkrisFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I hope it's not, but I'm sure that even if it is, theres some real woman somewhere going through this shite right now.
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