For years, I consumed all of the literature about how to “attract” and maintain a good relationship. I currently follow a few dating coaches and I agree with what a lot of them have to say- especially about letting men be the pursuer, vetting prodigiously and establishing commitment before intimacy. But what makes me angry now is that a woman can have all of the dating and relationship skills in the world but if the men simply do not exist- she is just out of luck.

This used to really depress me but now I’ve found freedom in it because I am deeply internalizing that there is nothing wrong with me. There isn’t some abundant supply of sexy, emotionally available men that want to be in a monogamous relationship and I’m just “not worthy” enough.

Also, these coaches are financially incentivized to keep women on the hopium. I think many of them do have their hearts in the right place but they are deeply disconnected from the current realities of dating for women. They tend to have little to no nuanced understanding of patriarchy or white supremacy and how those determine who pairs up.

Getting found by a HVM is like winning the lottery. It would be amazing but it isn’t something any of us can reliably bank on.