I'm aro-ace and have never done any sexual activity nor do I plan to, so forgive me in advance if I don't understand much about the dynamics of what happens in the bedroom. I also do not know very much about the way in which the brain registers certain experiences involving sex as traumatic. The same goes for how rape cases are investigated and prosecuted.

It's beyond dispute that consent needs to be mandatory under the law. Sexual intercourse must never be "ask forgiveness not permission" and everyone reserves the right to say no. There is no such thing as being owed sex, full stop. Obviously consent isn't valid when there's coercion, incapacitation, if one person is in a position of authority over the other, or age of consent laws are violated. `

In case you weren't aware, Planned Parenthood formerly advocated for a consent standard with the acronym FRIES (Freely-Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific), which they have since changed to CRISP (Considered, Reversible, Informed, Specific, Participatory). I couldn't agree more that if someone initially consents to sex and finds it painful, they have the right to demand the other person withdraw immediately without argument. The same is to go for a medical context.

On paper, the idea that consent is only valid if it's enthusiastic sounds great. No more having sex you don't want just to be nice to someone who you think will be disappointed if you say no. You could argue that it should be a societal expectation to always do a double-take to evaluate the tone of voice and body language. I remember once someone on r/Menslib (I am aware many of you dislike that sub, and I don't love it either, but I think it was a good point) talked about how giving consent to sex shouldn't be like giving consent to a root canal or some other situations I don't recall exactly (maybe something along the lines of consenting to work overtime, or to a police search, or to take your kids where they want to go). However, a law that requires the consent during sex to be enthusiastic would be disastrous. I get that there already are a lot of actual rapists who never even get arrested let alone found guilty, but that doesn't mean such law would prevent someone from going to prison for failing to interpret very subtle cues.

I can understand that the issue is extremely nuanced because of the way "freezing up" is an involuntary reaction rooted in evolutionary psychology to certain situations where a person feels vulnerable due to factors beyond the other person's control, like stature. And it may very well be that someone can give consent in ways that even a reasonable person could think is genuine and still have it be a traumatic experience. Maybe due to sexual dimorphism, it may very well be that women naturally bear the brunt of this issue more often than men. Perhaps human sexuality is just full of flaws, like men on average desiring sex more often than women on average. Or sex being extremely traumatic in certain instances. Still, it cannot become a legal minefield. Remember when Ezra Klein said that "men need to feel a cold spike of fear" before sex, and used the breaking eggs to make an omelet analogy to dismiss the concerns regarding innocent men in jail? It sounds like the kind of thing an overprotective father who shows his gun to his daughter's prom date would advocate. Are there really no ways to make men aware that the consent may be half-hearted without creating a chilling effect where they are one misinterpretation away from being treated as equal to someone who was told no and then brandished a weapon to get a yes?

Furthermore, how should consent be verified? No, I am not expecting anyone to use a paradigm of consent forms a la South Park. Just wondering from those of you who have experience.

Part of why I'm wondering about this is that I may be in a platonic relationship where there might be non-sexual touching if we mutually agree upon it, but I really do not want to put my hands on anyone who tells me yes just because they're being gracious. Obviously it's not a felony to do this without consent in the way that it would be for intercourse or even touching their intimate areas, but it would make for a very unhealthy relationship.