Hey boy,

I wish I had the chance to get to know you. You were never born, never existed, but I think about you often. I dream of times where I could look upon you and see a beaming smile, your blue eyes shining in the sunlight. You may not be real, but I know I love you all the same.

I want to take you outside to play catch, to push you on the swings, to take you to grandpa's and go fishing. I want to be there for all your scraped knees and bumps and bruises. I want to lose my given name and replace it with "Daddy".

I wish I could have the chance to buy you a bicycle, help you take off the training wheels. I wished I could buy you a car and get nervous as you peel out of the drive way.

I would love to be told "he looks just like you." or " That's your son alright!" To watch you score touchdowns and home runs, to watch you play with your friends in your little garage band. To have the privledge to watch you grow into a man.

But this is something I can never have, you can never be a reality. I can't bring you into this world, simply because I cannot find a woman that is fit to be your mother. I can't find a woman who is willing to work with me to provide you with a happy and proper home to grow in.

I refuse to let your mother be some bar whore that pisses on the streets. I refuse to let her be some psychotic manipulatior who's master plan is to take you away from me. I refuse to bring you into a world where the cards are stacked against you, where by merit of your white skin and blue eyes makes you a public enemy.

The world has changed these last few years. It has changed in ways that no child should have to grow up in. War is coming, both at home and from far away.

You do not exist, not because of fear, but because of love. For I love you too much to willingly put you in harm's way. Even if you were here, by the time you become a man, I will be dead. I cannot protect you from those who would do you harm just for fun. And this is why you will never be.

Love, Just a Man