Lifting

I'd used to lift weight a lot when i was younger, but its not been possible the last several years due to injury, I had bone spurs growing on both elbows which were shredding the tricep tendons and making it ache if i did any liftting. typical man, i'd repeatedly put off getting medical help to sort this out. My journey began last summer, when I first came across the red pill material. Taking ownership of the problems one step at a time, i started seeing a physio, he sent me off to get X rays, doctor referred me for surgery on both elbows. Right was done just before christmas, Left was just done last week. a month from now, i can start to lift properly, i've removed a barrier that was holding me back. my lack of lifting the last several years has contributed to my loss of character and beta behaviour.

After my first op, i'd started lifting light, i'd also started injecting testosterone i'd got from a bodybuilding site to help me recover and start making some progress, first time i've done that, and i might get more for when i next start back in the gym. sounds drastic perhaps, but i really need to get some momentum going on this stuff. i also found it helped me to act less beta, feel a bit more aggressive and more able to act within my frame, i'm not necessarily saying its a good idea, but perhaps i can use it to help me form good habits and behaviour patterns which i can then continue without needing it.

Reading

I've read about half the books on the sidebar, i had a barrier in my way to some of the others, my wifes kindle account is linked to mine so we can share each others books, in the past she has berated me for having book titles that she dislikes, so if i start having books about game in there she will think i'm up to something. i've let this prevent me getting books i want for a while now, so i've owned the problem. i looked up how to remove sharing rights for selected items without fully de-linking the accounts, so i can now get the remaining books and keep them private.

Behaviour

i'm learning fast but i'm still a beginner and i have a long way to go. i've STFU, i'm not DEERing as much, and when i do slip up i'm recognising it, i've started to talk to other ladies and doing more of my own activities.

other self improvement

Watching a TV show the other day i made a disparaging comment about a mans body. my wifes response was "you don't exactly have a 6 pack" that clicked something right there, no i don't have a 6 pack, and perhaps its time that changed, i've started doing more ab exercises and controlling my diet a bit, i'm down from 92kg to 86 and falling. the thought of my wifes current lack of respect for my value and wiping the smirk off her face is the single biggest motivator for sticking to that, every time i have an urge to binge on sugar, that gives me strength. i have also started chewing nicotine gum, bear with me on this, it suppresses appetite to help with the diet, it helps to reduce anxiety which helps calm me down when i realise the enormity of my failures and helps me to stay calm in the face of her emotional outbursts, it also suppresses sex drive so helps me cope with rejection. it may make my weight balloon when i stop using it, but i'll take that hurdle as it comes.

i'm studying male grooming, and starting to improve my wardrobe, its time i stopped looking like a bag of shit. i used to wear old t shirts with holes in them, i'm stopping that. i've started to use moisturiser to improve my complexion. My wife noticed this, along with my behaviour changes and some other ladies i added to my facebook friends and shes got really insecure, she thinks i'm up to something but i'm shutting up about it, she can think what she likes, i'm enjoying the fact i've got in her head, but thats not why i'm doing it. oh and we had sex recently for the first time in months.

i'm getting myself assessed for autism, at age 42 it could be said there is no point, i've already developed the coping strategies around it, but one of my colleagues at work has recently had it done at age 50 and said it was well worth it. Perhaps i sometimes react badly to things and more self awareness will help e.g. i can't always tell the difference between my wife being stressed generally and stressed at me. again I should have done this years ago, but apathy has stopped me. this is me taking ownership of the problem.

Frame development

I have a few schemes for businesses i'd like to start, i've been studying myers briggs personality types, my type - ENTP is generally good at generating ideas but poor on the implementation, so thats my way forward, i've chosen a couple of simple things that i've been thinking about for years and i now have a plan to actually move forward with them.

i'm also going to start some more of my own activities, i've wanted to do some gliding for years, so as soon as my elbow is better i'm going to join a club. i've started going out with my friends more in the evenings, my wife has been giving me grief for it but i don't care anymore, i've been doing it anyway. The testosterone definitely helped me man up a bit in this regard, it literally helps you to act like a man, funny that.

Mental state since taking the red pill

No one should fool themselves that this is the easy route, with every new book or article i read, its like peeling layers off an onion, you thought you'd understood it all, then you read further and realise there are still more layers underneath, it is simultaneously exciting to finally understand the problems, depressing to realise how badly you've failed and daunting to consider how much work you need to do to fix it. the easy route would be the blissful, (or not so blissful) beta existence of being a nice guy. but my eyes are open now and i can't go back.

some of what i've done might seem drastic, taking test, nicotine gum etc, yes, but thats because i'm so aware how fragile this all is, how easy it would be to fail and revert back to my old ways, i need to get moving in the right direction and pick up momentum quickly, anything at all that will help with that is fair game, and i'll deal with the consequences later.

I love this community and all of you guys, if you want to call me a faggot for that, thats fine, i'll take that and own it. but its still true because this forum is literally saving my life.