Here is my confession. I'm 31M Nice Guy engaged to 31F. She has dated the asshole alpha-males most of her life - they treated her like shit, but she still had that carnal attraction to the dominant man. I've known her for 14 years, we finally started dating 1.5 years ago and engaged 3 mo. ago. Then it all fell to shit. She couldn't keep up the show of being the perfect future-wife and, as hard as I tried to be be the Nice-Guy-Perfect-Future-Husband, things only got worse. I know this is a "married" forum, but I'm getting a head start on relationship challenges. It's been rough the last couple months as in January she made a monumental mistake (not cheating), fell into an emotional breakdown about the all the stress in her life, stopped meeting my needs and now we're both trying to heal. We're working on it and have more good days than bad, but it isn't fast enough. My relationship is rocky and it's affecting my career and happiness. Also, she's army, So she really likes a more alpha guy.

I started reading the problems that guys post about and kept saying, "Holy crap, that's our issue!" or "Ohhh... that's what she was trying to say." It's been shockingly on point. Here's a list of beta-ness that I confess to and commit to changing:

  • I've told her that I can be dominant if thats what she wants and she tells me.
  • I feel the need to talk in depth about every little issue. "Good communication" is my mantra.
  • I try to do things that make her feel loved and turn her on, but still get turned down for sex, then get mad.
  • She complains that I pout if I don't get sex.
  • When I pout she worries about me leaving her.
  • She wants me to stop being wishy-washy and just address issue with her head on.
  • I apologize way more than she does when we argue, to try to end the confrontation.
  • I give her wonderful praises and gifts. Then am butthurt when she isn't grateful enough.
  • I spend most hours with my bride-to-be, because we're supposed to be in love and inseparable.
  • I stopped hanging out with my friends because I love (used to love) being with her. She's even asked me to get out of the house more.
  • I've leaned on her as a confidant about my stress with my new job, instead of leaning on my guy friends.
  • I stopped working out. She's told me she likes a guy with muscle.
  • She's said several times that she just wants us to go out and "flirt", meaning be playful like we're dating again.
  • I view her being "feisty" as just being sarcastic and irritating.
  • I stopped making decisions and started asking her about everything, desperately wanting to find what would make her happy.
  • One night it was extra cold in our room. I got her favorite blanket from the living room. She said that was the most "protective" thing I had done for her in a while and she loved it.

So... like I said, I'm due for this course. I've swallowed the Red Pill. I bought the first 3 books and started reading NMMNG last night. I fit about 70% of the identifiers of someone with "Nice Guy Syndrome". Some of them could not have been more true about if I wrote them myself. It's amazing to see that this is a common, generational problem instead of be just a failure on my part. I'm an intelligent, loving, hard-working, Mr. Nice Guy and I see how many of my natural (or learned) responses are not going to help my relationship. I see how I slipped into the "Nice Guy Future Hubby" role right away and stopped giving her any of the fun, feisty, bad-ass that actually turned her on.

Some fixes I've started. I joined Krav Maga (I used to do tae kwon do and wrestling). Last night I went to the Krav gym and she kept asking when I'd be home. I said "late" and that I was leaving my phone in the car. I also told her (instead of asking what she wanted) to get our favorite Thai meals for dinner. I did 2 classes of Krav and it felt great. Got back to the car and she had blown up my phone. When I got home she graciously got me a bowl of food and told me how time felt like it was going so slow with me gone and out of touch. She's really not used to me being unavailable. We talked about our days. I told her about the petite woman that I was paired up with for a while; just enough to rile her a tad. Then I said I was getting in the shower (instead of asking her if she'd like to shower). She asked if she could join me and it was good (wink). Finally, we went to bed and I told her I was going to stay up reading (NMMNG). She was loving and snuggled up while I did what I wanted. This morning was fun and flirtatious. I told her (instead of asking her feelings) that we're going to turn the guest room into a fun room for our solo time for some work outs, yoga, whatever. I also told her that I'm getting a motorcycle that I've wanted for years and she was very supportive.

The "Mr. Nice Guy" in me is terrified of some of the alpha-male stuff coming off as very self-centered and asshole. I don't ever want to be an asshole. I do want to be a leader in my relationship and my career. That said, the few things that I have tried are working better than asking her for the thousandth time "What do you want?" or "What would make you happy?"

Thank you guys. Please let me know if you have any further advice. I will continue the prerequisites. Rock on!!

TL;DR: Here is my confession. Plenty of bullet points of how I've been beta in my relationship. I see that now. My eyes are open as I dive into the first books. One little test (went to gym, left phone off, and more) worked well with my alpha-seeking fiancee.

Edit: Clarification that this is a confession of recognized bad habits, not a defense of them.