I think this is a shit test...

TrainingTheBrain · 2015-07-09T12:51:49+00:00

You handled it well. I wouldn't have said anything, but each scenario is different and you know how to handle your wife better than I.

What I highly suggest you read is this post from /u/Archwinger and then reapproach the subject of finances with your wife.

It is hours of your life that bought those things. Once I better understood that, my understanding of the actual value of something was much better understood.

RPMahoutsukai · 2015-07-09T15:26:39+00:00

If she's SHAM and you're the provider, you have to manage the finances of the house. What you buy for yourself and for your family. The more you manage, the better. However, you also have to give her an allowance that is fair, close to what you spend on yourself, and let her spend it the way she wants.

The way it is now, if I understood your post, is that she has no clear limits in how much she can spend, and she has to negotiate every expenditure with you, or risk having you "talk to her" about spending too much if she overspends - a concept which is not clearly defined by you. This is frustrating, like begging your mom to buy you a toy soldier or a candy or a plastic gun or whatever. She has no clear ruleset to abide by, it's a constant struggle for her, she feels you're unfair, you get things but she doesn't, etc. Worst ever, she feels she has to battle you with logic to convince you to let her buy something.

If instead, you tell her "You get $XXX a month to spend on yourself, anything else you bring up, we discuss together and I make a decision", it would be much better for her.

Yes, maybe there could be problem setting the exact amount. Discuss it with her, see how much she wants a month, see if you can manage that, and tell her an amount you reallistically can afford. If she wants more then explain to her that you have spent time calculating your finances, and your family cannot sustain such spending.

Then, maybe first several months there would be problem for her fitting into this amount. Here you "hold frame" and don't let her nag you into getting more money. You can offer her advice, if she wants, on how to better manage her spendings, so she does not overspend. Go into details only if she wants it though, don't patronise.

In some time, she will adapt and actually feel better. It will feel fair, she will be comfortable within reasonable limits established by you, she will be allowed to spend money the way she wants without having to nag you for approval (i.e., if she wants to save on clothes and pay for drinks of her barely known strangers - she can do it). Make sure you also don't ridicule her for stupid spendings like, say, a new pink case for her IPhone or whatever.

PS: Saying all this from experience. In my ex-marriage, I tried to control the finances in a situation where I earned like 5x more than my wife. Made mistakes. Hope you don't.

cholomite · 2015-07-09T15:44:30+00:00

"Listen baby, you know I gotta make it rain in da club, if you're good I'll make it rain all over you when I get home" (slap ass)

Don't justify yourself to her at all. If you are sure in yourself that you are doing what's best for your family financially, and this bachelor party fits with that then I wouldn't have even given her a serious response. If she wants to go over your financial plan with you then set up a time to sit down and go over it with her.

Jessie_James · 2015-07-09T16:52:23+00:00

My take - there's not enough information here to really say.

Can you tell us more about these items?

Recently I sat her down and told her to curb her spending on extras.

How much has she been spending, and on what kind of "extras"?

she has been going overboard.

By what measure? And why? This is important - if you don't tell her how you measure her spending, then how is she - or anyone - supposed to know their limit? And why? Is she bored, depressed, stuck at home too often?

We do have some money to spend.

Wait, what? You have it ... but she can't spend it? How much do you have, and how do you budget it, and does she know the figures? Have you sat down and told her "We have $xxx each month for food, bills, [etc], and [$xxx] fun money, so it's fair that you should get half, and I get the other half."

Or have you not addressed your budget, and there is no definition of "fun money"?

I actually printed out the credit card statements so she could see the numbers. I think she finally got it.

I sure hope you're paying those off in full each month and not letting her run the balances up. I've been there, and it can make a bad problem much worse.

Last night she brings up having some girls go to our pool as part of a day long bachelorette party. I told her that is fine as long as they don't charge the drinks to me, which I felt was reasonable.

I don't know the scenario, but generally speaking if you're going to throw a party for someone, it's assumed you're going to pay their way. How much is all this going to cost? Is there a fee? Is alcohol extra? Can you afford to let her have this once in a while party? Wouldn't it be good for her too? Besides, wouldn't you rather have your wife and friends drunk at your place than a strip bar downtown?

I am heading to a bachelor party next month with my buddies, so this was a perfect time for her to pull that card. "This is a lot cheaper than the $1,000 you are spending on your trip." I basically replied "that was not what I meant when I said that we need to curb our spending and you know it." This was met with a big sigh and a shaking head

So, this is pretty hypocritical of you. That's a bad move on your part, if you ask me. That's a mistake.

Ok, now the meat of the issue, based on what I think is going on (but this may change based on your reply, so please tell me if you think I'm way off).

I am of the opinion that this is a shit test, but not what you think it is.

You have a budget issue here, and she's testing you because you have not made things clear. If you're the man, the leader, the man with the money and the plan, but you're not giving her enough information to work with, how's she supposed to know what is expected of her? How much money does she get to spend on having fun? That's the shit test! She is asking you what the budget is!

You need to sit down and make a budget. Maybe sign up at Mint.com so you can track everything. And then you need to tell her how much money she has to spend on groceries, cosmetics, how much you spend on the kids, bills, car payments, rent, whatever.

However, you also MUST give her some fun money to do with as she pleases. You're spending $1k on a bachelor party? Great. Why shouldn't she be able to spend $200 - $400 (or however much it is) for her friends to party at the pool? Is it less than what you are spending? Can you pay for it? You say you have some extra money ... why can't she spend some of it?

I think you failed. I think you need to sit down with her and say something like:

I was thinking about the party you want to have with your friends, and I handled that poorly. You should be able to have that party with your friends, and do whatever you want. However, I also need to sit down with you and get you on board with our budget. I didn't do this, and I know that must be frustrating for you. For the sake of argument right now, I'm fine with you having the pool party and you're welcome to spend up to [$200? $400? $600? Whatever you can afford] on your party, however you see fit. BUT, we also need to sit down afterwards and make a budget that we can both follow, every month, every paycheck, and that includes money both you and I can spend on whatever things we want. But we also have to budget for rent, food, bills, and all that stuff, because we cannot put everything on credit cards. Anyway, does that work?

stonepimpletilists · 2015-07-09T12:47:31+00:00

if shes SAHM and cannot handle your money,then perhaps she needs an allowance, or a job?

When mine has a slipup with money (pretty good now, bad before) I would confiscate HER visa, and pay/veto for everything.. She'll get mad, but at the end of the day, when the mortgage isn't paid off, and you have to work till 70 to retire... whose fault will that be?

Good then, your way or highway it is. If she gets a job, she can have more of a say in these things. Raising kids isn't a full time job once they go to school.

B1tfury · 2015-07-09T13:16:31+00:00

"Got the silent treatment all night which I was fine with. I was happy and playing with the kids."

Oh no! Not the silent treatment!... Finally some peace.

The_Litz · 2015-07-09T14:11:29+00:00

You handled it fine, she didn't drag you into trying to validate yourself to her.

About the finances, give her a card that is not linked to your main accounts. You can then set the limit on that card to whatever you think she needs. What she does with it is up to her, if she buys drinks for friends of friends, curtains or whatever.

When the card is maxed for the month it is finished. Next month you top it up again. She will only have the card declined at the cashier ONCE to get the message.

Bellum00 · 2015-07-09T15:10:21+00:00

What's with all these American women who don't work?

In my country this is very rare and frowned upon. Not because women should have a job, but because we dislike laziness. Being SAHM isn't work. Everything is automated, you have a cleaning lady, school and youth clubs handle the children most of the day, ... All a woman would have to do is groceries and cook. That's 10 hours a week max.

UEMcGill · 2015-07-09T16:21:56+00:00

It was a shit test and you failed initially. It wasn't about the fucking money, or fairness. Women don't think in terms of fairness. She came to you because she was conflicted. Then you used DEER (minor amount but DEER) and failed.

The correct response would have been ignore, pressure flip, amused mastery, etc. "Oh wow, look who's calculator works!" then move on. If she persisted, then it was likely a comfort test, proceed accordingly. She want's assurance that she's pleasing you and needs proof that you're convinced you're making the right decisions for both of you.

Title	I think this is a shit test...
Author	TMRPNEWBIE
Upvotes	0
Comments	15
Date	July 9, 2015 12:36 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3co4wv/i_think_this_is_a_shit_test/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/i-think-this-is-a-shit-test.201508 https://theredarchive.com/post/201508

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