Lost Frame, Need Help

IanIronwood · 2015-08-06T00:22:28+00:00

Find an older black male mentor. Someone who can slip you the generational wisdom you missed. Look around your local barbershop and start learning Game from the old masters. Those dudes can hold frame when they've been busted balls deep. You need a good dose of pure masculinity to charge you up and build your confidence.

This is particularly hard for black men. Black women have traditionally resorted to divorce much more quickly than white women, and the black feminist culture you provide is very real. I've seen it all my life. Now this is the hard part:

You have to ignore it. You have to pretend it never existed. Get yourself into a more traditional masculine mindset, take control of the ship from your wife, and do the damn job like the man you were meant to be. Abandon your fear as unproductive. Don't let anyone shame you out of an unapologetically patriarchal mindset. Especially your wife.

Your dynamic is going to be culturally a little different than most of the guys here, but I'm glad you mentioned it. Black husbands (a rare enough thing these days) have multiple layers of built-in expectation to overcome above and beyond what white dudes do. And in many ways they have borne the brunt of the feminist attacks over the years.

dandar4600 · 2015-08-06T00:34:06+00:00

Agree and amplify to the you only want sex shit test. Other than that read the sidebar and internalize it.

Blackthorn8 · 2015-08-06T02:10:36+00:00

You know how I can tell you're not there yet, "what more do I need to do". That question is filled with problems as it relates to MRP.

What more do I need to do? Insert the rest of the question here.

-to please my wife? Why are you seeking your wife's approval? MRP doesn't work like that.

-to overcome my beta upbringing? Male hamster at work here. This is an excuse. Your past certainly influences your behavior as an adult, but you've taken the pill. The fact that you know this about your upbringing should enable you to neutralize all but the deepest bad habits.

"you only want sex" stop listening to what your wife says, look at how she behaves. The only want sex crap is a shit test. Treat it like one and move on. Acting like a whiny bitch if you don't get sex is a turn off, withdrawing affection and attention is proper dread and a valid part of MRP.

-the slave master comment was a shit test in an inflammatory form. You're wife even tells you she wants you to lead. You should want to lead if for no other reason than controlling your own destiny. You ask what more you can do- do you make decisions no matter how small? Do you plan events or excursions for the family on the weekend? Are you handling any male oriented tasks at your home? You mentioned your income first thing, are you threatened by her making more than you? Is this an issue that will resolve itself in due time? Can you deal with it if it doesn't?

Rereading your text, it doesn't seem like you've grasped what you are doing and for which reasons. Feels like you are much more concerned about your wife's feefees than handling your shit.

Can you honestly look in the mirror right now and say you are the best version of yourself? If not, are you doing the things you need to in order to become that person? If not, what are you waiting for?

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-08-06T02:13:25+00:00

She wants you to be the captain.

She wants you to take care of your shit, and hers too. So to accomplish this goal, start with one thing. What's one thing that she takes care of that you can take care of? Take it over. Make sure you're taking care of it whenever it needs to be handled.

Some challenges that you're going to face: If you add too many additional responsibilities, then you're going to go crazy just trying to master each one. You'll do each one poorly, and you won't have enough free brain-time to think about this big picture, so you'll suck at doing everything. This will lead to emotional shutdown, and this isn't what you want.

So start with one thing. Handle it 10 times, then add another thing. Maybe it's something like the physical act of paying the bills: Actually sitting down and writing checks, or going online and moving money wherever it needs to be moved. Do it for three months without anything being late.

After you've mastered one responsibility, maybe you can put together a good map of "shit the man takes care of" and "shit he delegates to her." You have to be able to do everything, but you don't have to do everything.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-08-06T02:39:11+00:00

She seems to be very aware that she is the Captain and is demanding that I be Captain. But if I do it now, isn't she still Captain because I am doing it because she said so?

Behold the Male hamster. Sure it doesn't go on the wheel like the female version but it is even more pernicious and intractable.

without sex I consciously or unconsciously begin to withdraw. How can I recognize and terminate this program?

Why do you want to terminate it? This is EXACTLY what we suggest men do in low sex marriages.

You are TOTALLY in your wife's frame.

Why isn't SHE working on terminating the low sex program?

Your wife is SCREAMING, crying, BEGGING you to man up and take charge. She is telling you she doesn't want to be your master. She wants you to be in charge.

You only want sex

Only when I don't have it that day.

You only care about sex

That is not true, I care very much about blowjobs.

TLDR: Man up, take charge, agree and amplify the shit tests.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-08-06T02:55:14+00:00

Also, contrary to popular opinion, money has NOTHING to do with anything except YOUR CONFIDENCE. Seriously, nothing at all. Chad doesn't even have a job and we all know what he gets. The difference is that Chad doesn't care and he fucks her good.

What really matters is where are you leading her? How are you fulfilling her hypergamy? What are you doing to become a better, stronger man? Complaining about your race, culture, and single-mom upbringing doesn't count. All of us have disadvantages and advantages although I feel for you bro. I see black guys like you in my classes all the time. Smart, intense, good, looking, hard working, ambitious, hell they probably all have huge cocks....and none of it matters- they were raised by women with no male role models in their life and are so plugged into the female matrix it is like they are wearing pussy repellant.

I think you are close and that you have got this. Focus on your career, focus on yourself, take charge of the home as the Captain ready to work with your First Officer.

fatalbinoninja · 2015-08-06T12:19:35+00:00

I'm only a few months in so first take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

You seem to have deep seated issues with your masculinity and the importance of being Male. That's understandable given your upbringing and other cultural factors have not helped you much in that area either. You need to discover and embrace your purpose and hold fast to that. Now this isn't your career or any of the small shit you do around the house, this is your life long mission.

And the most important thing you need to remember is that your wife and your marriage are not the mission. She will secretly despise you with the fury of the sun if she is your mission and your marriage will suck because of that. Take care of yourself first, find your mission and then bring the wife along with it. She will love seeing you with a strong purpose and goals. She wants to follow you in this and if you are strong and confident in them then she'll follow you around the world.

Now, to get there I'd read this post on stoicism and then read it another time or two as well. Then read The Way of the Superior Man and start internalizing that shit. I usually read it on my work breaks and over lunch so I have a few hours to digest everything before moving on. Some of the subjects are a little harder to swallow than others but they all speak deeply to your masculine core. Learn to embrace your core and focus on discovering your purpose in life.

More than anything else this will help strengthen your frame. All the talk about oak vs rock is meaningless if your frame sucks. You'll buckle under any shit tests and your wife will know that your physical strength is useless because you don't have the will to back it up and protect her. So focus on yourself. You are the rock which the marriage is based around and you need to strengthen yourself as much as possible.

Also, don't tell your wife any of this. If she asks just say "I'm working on improving myself and becoming a better man." Just leave it at that and don't go into details. Remember, STFU and maintain an aura of mystery. She'll respond instinctively to your changes in a positive way without even realizing it.

mrpCamper · 2015-08-06T12:53:12+00:00

Hey man. Glad you found this place. You've got a lot of work to do but as a family therapist yourself, you know the drill. One thing I'd like you to keep in mind is that you are pretty young still. At 26 I hadn't even met my wife yet and was still very much a kid looking back on it. These changes that you are seeing in front of you will become easier as you grow into them and grow up. Yes, you are a man but the journey from 26 to 40 is a big one of learning about yourself. You have the wisdom of the red pill and time on your side. So, good luck, work hard, lift and read.

watch_ping · 2015-08-06T13:48:46+00:00

You only want sex You only care about sex

A&A "No sweetie, I like blowjobs too!" This is assuming you have a high SMV and are lifting.

I am working out.

You are lifting right? Cardio doesn't count.

enfier · 2015-08-06T19:13:26+00:00

"I am tired of being the one who takes care of everything, I am supposed to be submissive to you, but I can't trust you to do anything because you are not consistent"

So your wife is telling you to captain up. It doesn't work that way. The dynamic she's creating is "Mom has these expectations of you and these are your responsibilities and I will be the judge of whether or not it's acceptable." On some level her statement about your performance is no doubt true, but when you really take the Captain's hat back she'll find that your judgement is what matters and if you have decided that you've done an appropriate job, then she'll need to learn to live with it. In any event, her "not trusting" is mostly out of your control and a terrible barometer for success.

If you withdraw after a week with no sex, that's her problem. The solution is pretty obvious. What you do want to avoid is an if/then reward which can turn something done willingly into a chore. However you reward sex needs to be more random and less obvious.

Title	Lost Frame, Need Help
Author	tifunumber3
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	August 6, 2015 12:05 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3fxx2f/lost_frame_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/lost-frame-need-help.201286 https://theredarchive.com/post/201286

Comments