Background - wife and I are mid 30s, no kids, Second marriage for me, first for her

The Best of Times: When we first met we were on fire. It was so insane where I felt 2 things - "If this is what its like in the honeymoon stage, when this tapers down to normal thats still awesome!" But I also had a feeling there might be a fakeness to it.

The Peak and Fall From Grace: When we moved in together, it was like Jekkyl and Hyde. Like when Dr. Glover in NMMNG says all of a sudden when he moved in, his wife says, "Great! We don't have to pretend to like sex anymore!"

The Blue Pill Arrives: My 1st marraige was a disaster [she was a closet addict, so I left], but it left me reeling. I was shell shocked at first, and it put me into insecure beta behavior, panicking, losing most of my funds, getting fat, etc.

When I found the new relationship it was a saving grace from where I was at. We were connected, passionate, on the same page. I still didnt have my shit straight, but I was working towards it and tought we were good.

When me and my 2nd finally married she switched. Dead bedroom - stopped cold. She'd rage at me, complain about everything. Blame me for everything. Night and day difference from who I entered the relationship with. Panicked again. "Holy shit how did this happen? Please don't tell me I'm in a 2nd bad marraige?"

I was super beta at the time, tried talking and using logic and being "nice" and trying to get back what I thought I lost. I hadn't taken the RP yet or read any of the books.

But it wasnt working and finally I took a serious look at myself and realized I could panic and complain about her, or I could own my shit and the truth was I wasn't high value. I was divorced once, overweight, and struggling financially but hey I was a "good guy."

So I put a focus on "hey before I bitch about her, this is probably just the reaction I'm getting for showing up how I am, so I got to improve"

What I'm doing to improve: So I found this subreddit 2 years ago in a panic, and I said, "Something needs to change now." And instead of blaming her I said I'm going to Own my Shit and see what's mine vs whats hers so at the least I learn the lesson and dont repeat it.

So I worked on myself for 2 years. I lost over 80lbs, down to 14% BF, hired a trainer to get me down to 10%, earn 75k+ a year now, dress good, really got my shit together compared to where I was when we moved in. Hired a coach, got rid of codependent tendencies, I'm a new guy internally and externally. Girls when we're out turn their heads and waitresses initiate flirting with me now. I set boundaries and work on my mission / vision, have side hustles. Read all the books like NMMNG and MMSLP and applied it. I'm a different guy now.

Short term Results: Emotionally shes a million times better towards me and the sex is back to average 1x a week from the previous 100% dead. the quality is hit or miss. Still mostly starfish except here and there. She says she's never authentically had a sex drive. She's had past sexual trauma happen and her hormones are out of whack too. My fear is maybe she was only hyper sexual in the beginning to "get the guy?" Or maybe its me. Not 100% sure.

Today’s Problem:  I figured I'd see a lot more results than I am. I recognize at first I needed to fix myself before I bitched about her... and I see an improvement in her behavior towards me, she's just still erratic and shut down sexually.

I want to master this. I'm tired of the starfish. I want authentic desire. I know I can't negotiate that. But I did at least figure I'd see something more than starfish after all this. I'm a viable, good looking guy who has a lot going for him. I'm not low value like I was.

I've tried different approaches - playful, direct, dominant, fun, romantic, blunt, trying to take her, etc. Unless the stars align and she's in the mood for her own random reason, there's this invisible sexual wall thats getting super discoraging at this point in the game.

I'm at the point where I'm super proud of my progress and also know theres another level so I'm ready to do the work.

I want to master the lesson here so I can either have a phenomenal relationship here or at the very least not repeat the pattern again with someone else.

I'm just having a hard time with knowing to what degree its my work to do, and to what degree she's just not open no matter what.

Maybe its her? Maybe I'm not dominat/alpha/high value enough? Maybe I'm missing something? I'm not sure but I'm open.

Open to suggestions, ideas, thoughts etc