Newbie here. Discovered this sub through TRP. After reading all the posts yesterday I quickly realized I need to shut my mouth, listen, swallow the pill...and change.

Interestingly, I possess a lot of the components MRP psychology requires. My problem, and I noticed this years ago but couldn’t figure out how to resolve, was I allowed my wife to mold me to her will.

44 here. Together with my wife 26 years in all. 4 children.

Heavy athletic and boxing background. Associates degree. Musician. Writer. Escaped gang life in a hardcore Italian neighborhood eons ago to live a straight life.

Met a girl at 18. Shit tests started a few months in. She comes from a severely disfunctional family. She also endured childhood nightmares no female should endure. She clung to me for safety from the start. I was not educated enough to decipher the difference between true love and comfort then. I’ve come to realize lately she has BPD.

I once had ambition full of flames anyone could see from a distance. As the years wore on I allowed my now wife to smother those flames.

It’s been years alternating between good times and bad, dead bedrooms and not, being on the same team then becoming opponents.

My mistake in everything: relenting. Always following my instincts to stand my ground on matters my common sense compelled me to, only to give in to and allow my will bended for the sake of peace.

It’s led to a ton of bad decisions that hurt our household.

Since my children have arrived I’ve been more steadfast with their futures in mind. It’s brought a world of hell. I ended up giving up a career to stay home with the kids. Looking back I know I was manipulated into it. The plus side to that is it doesn’t bother me because my work here yields excellent grades, a safe haven when she’s at work, healthy grades from doctors and dentists alike, a beautiful home and vehicles in excellent condition thanks to this guys’ skill and hands. Not to mention the plentiful kisses and hugs and lessons a solid dad provides and makes up for from a mother who knows nothing of warmth and passing on wisdom.

But I always relented. Always. Whether it be after a day, or after 2 weeks of the infamous silent treatment BPD’s are famous for. Always. And I’d always do so in front of the echoes of my previous bellyaching. And always have done so knowing my mouth should have been shut from the get-go, that I should have simply offered any of my decisions in a firm, calm matter.

I chose to finally listen to my instincts a couple weeks backand my natural inclinations to handle matters as I once did has risen from the grave. I feel better mentally and physically (this kind of life takes a serious toll on any man), but I still do not feel respected.

Then I realized yesterday I have not been taking the lead accordingly. As I should. As I always should have been.

I also realized I relied on my wife to help create my happiness when I had no business doing so.

I realized my absent sex life is in place because I created the absense through my relenting decisions to resolve arguments on my wife’s terms, no matter how I tried to camouflage the white flag I’d toss in the air with an aura of what I thought was my masculinity.

I tested the waters last night and this morning by way of simply doing as I pleased without input from her or thoughts about her.

My mind has been racing. Hell, my lack of leading as I should have been all along probably worsened her BPD and I hate that realization (and that’s not to make an excuse for her bahavior but instead to acknowledge I created my own mess). There is a lost adolescent component to that personality disorder that essentially begs to be led like a child and that went right over my head.

I’m ready to fix this because I’m ready to listen. Ready for the sake of me so I can be more successful for the sake of my children.

I’ve seen a list of recommended books throughout various posts in this sub. Can anyone recommend the top 3 books I should read immediately? I’ll of course be greatful for a list of recommended reading so long as the top 3 are at the top.

Much credit and applause to those that began MRP and put this information to the guys in need. And a world of thanks in advance.

The first rule of MRP is.... ;-)