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Dating apps or not?

February 19, 2023

So I've recently been placed in a dilemma of whether or not to join a dating platform.

I've always been academically focused and always will, but I feel like I'm missing out on something.

So recently I've come across a video from OnPointFresh about dating and in that video there was a part that felt like it was targeted to me, so in brief, he says, you put dating later saying you will do it at a later point in time when you're better, then when you reach that point you say the exact same thing and you end up just postponing it continuously which leads you to miss out on the experience.

So I realised maybe that's what Uni life is about, heartbreaks, intimacy, and more. Maybe I should also stop giving excuses and put myself out there?

He also mentioned that many people meet online through these apps, hence why he suggested joining the Dating apps such as Bumble.

So, my question is, should I join such apps? Or should I just place my non-existent love life on the back burner?

Really appreciate the help, have a great rest of your day.

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Post Information
Title Dating apps or not?
Author KingBacon42069
Upvotes 15
Comments 14
Date February 19, 2023 5:40 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]Mista_Brassmann34 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Never, (again for me personally) steer away from dating apps it's not worth your mental health bro, datingapps are brutal for men and dating in general aswell sadly. But if you really want to try then be ware of dissapointment if you're not a 9 or 10/10. Me myself am a 4 or 5/10 and i rarely got matches and those few convo's i've had most girls started ghosting after a week or so, so i think it's just best to let fate decide for meeting someone IRL, But whatever you do or try i do wish you the best of luck bro. I hope you may find your love regardless what "strategy" you may use πŸ™‚πŸ€

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Really appreciate it my dude, hope you find yours too!

[–]GM_Timephone 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I met my wife on OKCupid so I definitely recommend online dating. However, It's important that you have the correct expectations set from the get-go.

  1. Online dating can be both frustrating and disheartening. You put all this effort into making a profile, sorting through tons of terrible profiles to find someone you think you may be compatible with, put a lot of work into writing an opening message and 90% - 95% of the time you get no response. It's an exercise in constant rejection.
  2. Online dating is time consuming. Think of it like a part-time job. You have to constantly work and re-work your profile and your photos until you find something that works for the type of people you want to attract. You also have to find what openers work for you in order to get responses from theses people, and that's a lot of trial-and-error. To give you an idea, it literally took me a year of constant re-edits to my profile and openers in order to get a steady stream of replies, and keep in mind I would probably get a reply 1 out of every 10 messages sent, and I never sent a message to someone I didn't like the profile of, so I was a lot choosier than many men that use online dating.

As long as you're aware and accept the conditions above, you're ready to get started.

My advice to you is as follows:

  1. Accept rejection graciously. It will happen often, and it's one of the true measures of a man how well they accept rejection.
  2. Be patient, but also take breaks from online dating when you need to. Sometimes I would get so frustrated I had to turn off my profile for a few months and not worry about it. This reset time really helped my mental health and I would eventually be ready to try again.
  3. Be clear. If you're not interested in someone, tell them and thank them for their time. Don't ghost, only cowards do that.
  4. When you get a date your goal for the night should be "to meet someone new." That way, every date is a success. If something more comes of it, it's icing on the cake. If it doesn't it's no big deal.
  5. You don't have to impress them, they have to impress you. Engage with them as your true self, and be confident in who you are. You're not going to find a partner pretending to be someone else. You have an abundance of good qualities, keep that in mind when meeting someone new and try and put those qualities at the forefront.

Online dating is a lot of work and effort. If it's something you think you can handle, and you're prepared for how tough it can be on your self-esteem, then I think it's definitely a worthwhile endeavor. Good luck!

[–]punkerthanpunk 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You don't have to impress them, they have to impress you

Unfortunately one can very hardly apply this in praxis

[–]GM_Timephone 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I did.

[–]KingBacon42069[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this! Will keep them in mind before proceeding further.

[–]SaltSpecialistSalt 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

dating experience depends a lot on location. some places a mens value is very low compared to a womens and women will treat you accordingly. however you can use dating apps to your advatage and browse other locations . also always keep in mind that a most of the women use dating apps to get cheap validation that they are desirable so they feel less shitty about themselves. so do not take no-replies or rejections personally. apart from this definitely learn how to be social and talk to everybody(not just women), strike random conversations with random people . take care of yourself physically and mentally and join social activities

[–]avarciousRutabega99 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’ve gotten matches and dates using the apps, in some cases dates I probably wouldnt have gotten otherwise. I’m somewhat above average, or average looking depending on who you ask, certainly not ridiculously attractive, tall, or mesmerizing 8/10 handsome. I’m like a 5 or a 6. I’ve only ever had relationships by meeting women through friends and coworkers.

I guess the apps can be β€œfun”…my cousin met his wife on Hinge during the pandemic. He looks like me, his wife is beautiful and a wonderful person, but she’s no super model and neither is he. Just regular people.

Basically I find the apps not to be worth the frustration and anxiety of picking the right pictures and messaging people back and forth.

If you are hard up for time, use a real dating service, not an app.

[–]vhisic 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know a lot of people had had issues with the apps, ive started using them a lot more recently and seriously i actually paid for one and honestly its been... less than terrible. I met my first wife online before apps for a thing so im still new to them, but ive been talking to a couple of women every few weeks, gone a couple of dates, some successful, some neutral and yea ive even had a bad one who was just out for the free meal.

But overall its been a great boost to my confidence, being able to talk for a few days before going on a date is great because you actually get some information to talk about when you get there so it hasnt felt as awkward as dating used to and awkward conversations were always something i was worried about, but the apps are letting me practice these conversations with various women and im actually getting pretty good at carrying the conversations when they die and keeping them moving.

If your not going to do anything with dating like actively going to meet ups etc, i would personally recommend it. Out of all the apps, Bumble is my favourite, women have to message first and they are of course terrible at it, most opting to do the shit we men know to open with like "hi" or "how are you". but from that point the conversation is open and you take the lead and its the same as tinder etc. I would say i have about 60% less ghosting on bumble compared to tinder.

[–]Sydnaktik 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely, 100% get

If you're in the US with Title IX kangaroo courts you may have a little bit to worry about. But just be careful. Yes, there is some injustice and you could get screwed over, but also, you could get messed up just crossing the street. It doesn't mean you should stop crossing streets, just look both ways before you do.

Lots of guys try to get girls before they get good at social skills. I think this is a mistake focus on getting good social skills first. Be entertaining and respectful, be a good judge of whether people are respecting you and make sure to make friends with men you genuinely respect and that genuinely respect you.

Dating apps is for lazy people and the insanely attractive. If you're an average or even above average looking man, my guess is that you're wasting your time going on a dating app. I hear Instagram gets better results, but I suspect this mostly applies to high profile men.

Acquire social skills, meet women IRL, and start dating.

Some guys don't get attractive enough until their early 30s to have success with women. But even if that's the case for you you'll benefit immensely from the practice and experience in your twenties.

Also, even if you can get dating without getting good social skills first, I recommend against it. Good social skills and good friends lets you have a solid emotional foundation and the ability to set and maintain boundaries. Without these, I believe you'll just set yourself up to get hurt for no reason.

[–]random_sm 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Try to find a hobby where girls might be. Someting like dancing, volunteering or whatever you find interesting. Any activity that will help you interact with more people is better than apps.

[–]richsreddit 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dating apps can be a great tool to help you meet people faster while breaking a lot of the ice that comes with the social gymnastics men have to navigate through for dating. However, the only downside is that rejection and ghosting is pretty common which can have a negative effect on the way you perceive yourself and the people out there you would like to date.

I think there is a way to use dating apps in a way that is healthy for you but you have to be careful to not get obsessed or addicted to it like people are with social media (which is probably strongly correlates with the increase in mental health problems along with lower self esteem in general). As long as you know when to take a break and just focus on caring for yourself when you are emotionally and mentally wounded from the negative experiences we sometimes get in dating then it should work for you.

Otherwise, if there is really no way you can find a healthy balance with dating apps there are always speed dating events or just meetup/eventbrite events in general where you can meet people who share mutual or common interests with you.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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