Everyone's feelings are valid (unless you're a man who was just rejected by a woman) [vent]

a-man-from-earth · 2021-08-24T10:28:57+00:00

Yup. Recognizable. And this seems orders of magnitude worse online than in real life.

It's one of the many mixed messages we men get. Men should open up emotionally more. But the wrong emotions get you demonized.

Tesla7891 · 2021-08-24T14:21:23+00:00

I'm living this. Asked a girl out 2 weeks ago at a place I go to every Saturday. I didn't read it wrong, it was clear she liked me..and I would also always throw her an extra tip. We were flirting, but when I asked her she said no, stating "not now" as she's about to be going back to finish college. As if I'm too needy and clingy... Hmm.

I felt her expecting it to be awkward last weekend or I was to feel entitled like you said or I'm to carry on tipping and being friendly as if I'm supposed to be some highly romantic person who isn't giving up?

No. I told one person in my community that goes where she works every Sat but its not like I liked her that much. I'm hurt that it went from pretty good flirting, to cold feet when it got serious, cause honestly I went and cleaned my apartment, couldn't sleep the night before, and went outside my comfort zone asking her out cause I'm pretty bad at it, don't drink coffee, don't like 95% of beers, and don't like planning and paying for everything if, lets be honest, we don't even get to second base for at leastttt 2 weeks. She's cute, sort of, but there are other fish in the sea, but the ball is in her court and she should respect I put myself out on a limb and it hurt.

Sorry. You just really hit home and I also wanted to vent.

Algoresball · 2021-08-25T00:23:09+00:00

The key is finding a safe place to express those frustrations. Unfortunately a lot of people have no sympathy for lonely men but there are groups and stuff.

Whisper · 2021-08-24T15:13:20+00:00

If you are male, not gay, and sexually active or trying to be, you will get rejected a lot. Even very very expert "pickup artist" types will usually be rejected by more than 50% of women, if they just approached them all. Most people who complain a lot about "niceguys" taking rejection poorly are not quite understanding that they are seeing a reaction, in a single incident, to many accumulated rejections.

And it's that last part that tells us how to address this problem in our lives. If we are hearing "no", over and over and over again, and never "yes", then there is probably something about our approach we need to change, not for anyone else's sake, but so we can hear "yes" more often.

Because that is the real antidote to the hurt of rejection. Not being soothed, not venting, but hearing "yes". Women's pickiness about mating is built into their DNA, but if it wasn't surpassible, we wouldn't be here. And if your ancestors weren't attractive enough to mate, you wouldn't be here.

So, sometimes, what we really need to do is reject the cultural standard of advice about how to approach women (which wasn't written by people who care about you), and take a long hard look at what they actually respond to.

chrisbarf · 2021-08-24T14:19:30+00:00

I feel this so hard. It’s like people expect you to just brush off these feelings you’ve had in you for a while. You’re not crazy for feeling shitty about that. in fact if you were able to make yourself vulnerable to someone, get damaged in that vulnerable space, and then just go back to how you were before you met, that would be borderline sociopathic.

Sit with your pain, let your emotions breathe, and find value in solitude. There’s gonna be anger and sadness but it’s just your brain recognizing what’s going on.

Find your peace king

2horde · 2021-08-25T00:21:33+00:00

I think it depends on

How the man is venting these feelings and
Who he's venting them to

If the audience is a bunch of fake woke assholes who just want to complain then he's not gonna get a real answer since they'll just see fresh meat and attack

But also if he's turning into a niceguy™ and complaining about "how women are" or that it's her fault for him feeling bad, that's not good either.

If you're rejected it's more about how you internalize that feeling of rejection, and what makes these incels something people make fun of is the fact that they can't handle that rejection and so they turn it around into attacks on that specific woman, all women, feminism, you name it, BECAUSE he thought it meant he's "not good enough" and that insecurity makes him fly off the handle, rather than just accepting the simple truth that he's not her type or whatever her reason is and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him in the first place

xhypocrism · 2021-08-24T16:54:08+00:00

I agree we should call out people if they started berating someone who said they were sad they got rejected. That feeling shouldn't be invalidated.

What I'm seeing more of, however, is some guys being rejected, feeling sad, and then bringing a load of rubbish with that emotion (all women are trying to exploit men with their sexuality, women don't know what they want, nice guys finish last, etc etc).

I would support calling out the extra rubbish. That's an opinion/ideology and is fair game for criticism. I would not support calling out the emotion of sadness after rejection.

sir_earl · 2021-08-24T17:02:14+00:00

Your feelings are not your actions, so it can be iffy. Your feelings are always valid, but your actions are not always helpful. If you were nice to somebody only to gain them as a romantic partner, got rejected, and then proceeded to be mean; that makes it seem like you did not care for them as a person but rather was only interested in sex (this may not be true but that's what it feels like IME). If you were nice to them, got rejected, and then was like "I am hurt by that so I think it's best if we go our separate ways"; then it's clear that the relationship has ended in all ways (even friendship). Obviously situations can vary, but I think there just isn't a great precedent in society in dating for healthy ends so we humans tend to revert back to what "worked" last time. That being said, I definitely understand the frustration of hypocrisy in dating. There's a lot of hypocrisy in it, and not just in the rejection part.

Uncoolx2 · 2021-08-24T12:00:50+00:00

That your feelings are valid does not mean your behaviors or your thoughts about your feelings are.

Nobody will say a damn thing if you say "Getting rejected feels bad."

That is valid.

It's the bullshit that follows - the brain vomit - that is, well, bullshit.

"Getting rejected feels bad because...."

No. Nobody cares.

Everybody wants to include their entire life story with each new bad event. Stop that shit. One bad event is one bad event. Failure is going to happen.

Life is gonna suck. Shit will happen that feels bad.

What matters is how you choose to move forward with that.

Title	Everyone's feelings are valid (unless you're a man who was just rejected by a woman) [vent]
Author	elmiraguth
Upvotes	73
Comments	28
Date	August 24, 2021 10:23 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/pakk6q/everyones_feelings_are_valid_unless_youre_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/everyones-feelings-are-valid-unless-youre-a-man.1060515 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060515

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